Destined To Be Nothing More Than A Caregiver?

[kahlan]

From a fairly early age I was forced into taking care of other people and learned no real skills for taking care of myself. My dad died when I was 8 from a long battle with cancer. My life from 6-9 was either going straight to the hospital after school and every weekend or bouncing from family member to family member. He and my paternal grandmother(who also died of cancer 6weeks later) were really the only people I was close to early in life. My dads sister, also my godmother, i had looked up to as well for a time until I overheard her saying she didn't know why I had to be included in family functions/issues as I wasn't blood related. (Horrible thing for a 9 year old with already faulty socializing skills to hear.) Anyway, after my dad's passing my already abusive mother withdrew even further. We both went into "grief councelling" of which I don't remember much except my last session where I tried unsuccessfully to get my therapist to teach me how to play chess(he had an amazing ornate chess set in his office) . Mom got hooked on the valium her shrink prescribed. She was nearly catatonic and me without any real structure began falling behind in school and acting out for attention. The only time it seemed I could get any type of reaction out of her was by being bad so I guess I thought that a beating was better than nothing(not to mention the beatings I took for no apparent reason). Well during this time we pretty much lived on pop tarts and macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles because anything else was too hard for her. I was dirty, the only real "meal" I got regularly was lunch at school or sunday lunch at my grandparents. She was so far gone in her pills I had to fetch her water for her because she couldn't move(but lord knows if I took too long she moved awful quick to assault me).

During this time I spent the weekend at my aunts house which turned into 2 Weeks. I was told mom had gone away for a church function, later I found out she was hospitalized for taking an entire bottle of valium and half a bottle of whiskey. There was talk of me being taken in permanantly at my aunt and uncles house, around me was all hypoyhetical talk, and I thought that would be amazing (to this day I wish it would have happened) because they had three girls close to my age and a son a year younger than me, who was also adopted (my uncle took his sisters baby in because she had no way to take care of him herself). That never happened so I went back to daily beatings and waiting on my mother's every whim. (Keep in mind as well my grandfather handled all our household finances because my mother was a compulsive
spender and hoarder). At ten I was doing all the household chores including cooking
(not well not having much guidance in that area)

Spent the next 10 years taking care of her because I didn't know how to be different, and anytime I would try to talk about it noone believed me because she had a perfect mom face she showed the world(pta? homeroom mom, teaching assistant).

Fast forward to early 20's had my first real boyfriend. He was bipolar and hated taking his meds. I had to take care of him as well. Neglecting what I needed to be happy to try and keep him happy. His father died unexpectexly and he bolted. Had a few on and off relationships where me not being very good at taking care of me didn't last long because I would become needy and co dependant. I got in some pretty serious financial problems and some legal trouble. This is when I got involved with the abusive ex. Again I was thrust into the role of taking care of him and suddenly a child (our son was mot planned or expected). I finally got the courage to walk away but don't know where to start with taking care of myself and my son when its a struggle to provide even the basic needs.

Itellectually I know that I'm not in a good place to be in a relationship again, and have set boundaries (it helps that N. and I don't live together) but I fear falling back into carer mode neglecting myself. My new therapist I'm not really connecting with so I really don't feel I have that outlet right now, and the one really close friend I have that knows all of this is dealing with her own serious issues...and doesn't necessarily approve of N. so maybe this is my only.real outlet at the moment.

 

[sisu]

Holy smokes - we do walk similar paths as adults due to emotional issues of our childhood.

I know exactly what you mean about not knowing how to take care of yourself, but taking care of others all the time. I tend to lose myself in relationships because I am so busy taking care of them, that I forget to take care of me. I will take that scrap of love they hand out and be happy, then when the relationship implodes I am left standing there wondering what happened. I was so caring, giving, loving, blah, blah, blah. Why oh why would they leave someone like me when I took such good care of them? I NEED to figure this one out. I NEED to be able to keep "me" while still being in a relationship. Obviously in a relationship there will be lots of "us" - but you can't ever lose the "me".

I don't know what to say or think about N., but it sounds like you are very aware of everything and know your boundaries. I am not aware enough of how to keep the "me" alive yet in relationships, so I am staying away from them for a while.

 

[kahlan]

My problem is always being aware of it but totally lost on how to fix it :(

 

[sisu]

Yes, that is the question.

In stepping back from my relationship with J (the ex-bf), I can now see clearly all of the issues we had. But while IN the relationship I did not see those problems. So I think the fact you have the awareness is a good first step.

I think that I read somewhere that you got out of the abusive relationship just a couple months ago. How long have you been with N? Why doesn't your friend approve of N? What is she seeing that you aren't? Do you think N can be someone who could be good for you and your son? Maybe start with some of those questions...maybe it will give you some clarity.

 

[kahlan]

O boy, had this all typed out and my phone died lol.

N. and I had been friends for over a year and a half. Got to be really good friends along the way (met on an online game :$ ) realized we weren't that far from each other and met for coffee (took.all the precautiond of meeting somewhere public where I knew people just in case). Nothing romantic came up just two.good friends who could somewhat understand how we were feeling and lean on each other without judgements of those issues. My relationship with the ex had been over for quite awhile even at the point that my friendship with N. started but I stayed in that house because 1, I was scared of raising my son alone and 2, deluded myself that my son would be better off with both parents. Id attempted to leave a couple occasions but always backed out of it because I'm more comfortable with what I know no.matter how destructive it is. After I moved out (N. was actually the final kick in.my.pants that I needed- insteaf of everyone just telling me I need to go, he helped me plan and prepare, that helped me feel better that I could handle it) is when we started moving out of the friend space. He's very much unlike anyone else I've been with, he's not abusive at all, doesn't lash out at me, he's actually more introverted with his anger and protects me from it. When we have disagreements we walk away then after a few hours/days we talk it out. That's new too. The biggest issues we've had have revolved around my issues or miscommunication. (Biggest was I refused a large amount of money because in my.experience generosity always has strings attached and I hurt his feelings because he was at a loss on how else to help). As far as how fast the relationship has progressed we made sure no matter how fast we wanted to dive in neither of us would be able to handle that.

Right now.dealing with the continual.fallout from the ex trying to maintain some.control over me plus N. isolating due to his good friends suicide, add work stress and a VERY active 3 year old I'm stressed beyond belief. I underestimated how hard all this would be, figured with all the crap I've gone through, I. could handle this too. This whole experience has had me evaluating myself (these forums are a blessing and a curse lol. As much as I've learned to help cope, I've also.dredged up a ton of stuff I had stuffed down so I could function for all this time.) I know I can deal, its just going to be hard.

As for my friend..she's not thrilled with how N. and I met even though I did everything I needed to do to be safe and he's exactly who he said he was, plus having been around bikers her whole life doesn't trust him because he used to be involved with an outlaw biker group( he retired from the club and walked away a few months before we got together). She sees the surface not him. :/ I'm frustrated and depressed and feel like I'm just floating with no direction.right now. Timing on all this sucks really bad.

 

[anthony]

Wow Kahlan...

Let me just say that you're not destined for anything other than what you want your life to entail. You really do have control over your choices for the most part, and many things in life can adapt to suit you, instead of the other way around. Your history seems to depict a learnt behaviour of caring, however; whilst both a good and bad thing (passiveness), you state a good awareness. You seriously don't know how much that is most of "the fixing" actually achieved.

Your solution is actually very simple, it's called Dead Link Removed. Caring to excess is a sign of passiveness, which then makes you aggressive (angry) at the other end of the spectrum. It is normal to live in all three main areas, passive, assertive and aggressive, though the first and last should be minimal compared with assertive, which is standing up for yourself, making decisions that you truly want to make and then accepting your decisions and their outcomes, learning from any mistakes.

You have a history in childhood of caring for your mother, when the reality is that she should have cared for you. Kids do that when a parent fails... and its for nothing other than love and acceptance for them. Both good qualities, its just the long-term outcome that screws you up overall. This flows into your adulthood and thus you spend excessive time in your life at either passive or aggressive as a result.

Changing your behaviour takes time... but to be perfectly honest, IMO they should issue this book to every female in school years so they leave as an assertive personality. I believe it would change a whole lot of adulthood abusive statistics, drastically.

 

[kahlan]

Arrrrggh! I always go from the "good girl" submissive role straight into overcompensating aggressive. The friend I mentioned above-S. has always pushed me to stand up for myself more! "Be a b*tch, its not always a bad thing!" Finding a middle ground there is tricky though lol. She's about the only person I know that can actually get where I'm at right now. Exhusband was abusive and now she's a social worker at a domestic violence shelter/organization. I had been forced to isolate from her because any mention of S. would set of the ex. Its funny in a way how scared he is of her. He's a pretty large man and she's not even 5 feet tall :o . I've always looked at her as kind of a surrogate mother figure and she's always supportive while at the same time will tell it like it is whether or not I want to hear it. Right now that's the biggest relationship I want to rebuild! Its just hard now because I always feel like I'm imposing. Her actual daughter is an even bigger mess than me so I allow the conversations to turn to her and her "stuff" (her daughter has been putting herself and two young children in some really pretty risky situations- around drugs and rumored prostitution) because I'm not as bad off. Minimizing my own problems!!!! Typical me!

I do want to thank you for giving me an outlet to write all this down and be able to have an "outside" perspective, and both of you here for at least listening :) . I know what blocks I have, I'm trying to figure them out so that I can fix them. Its just so hard :(

 

[sisu]

I think I need that workbook too! I am fairly passive - I was always described as very laid back. I have a hard time being a b*tch too - I don't want to hurt other people. The result is I end up getting hurt or I feel used or worse. I hardly ever stand up for myself. I always figure, its not worth it - I'll just suck it up and move on.

However, mess with my kids and I'll be all over you! :D

 

[kahlan]

O ya, the kid gets threatened in any way, mama bear comes out!!!! Lol