Did I Do The Right Thing?

[LostOne83]

I wanted to get the opinion from PTSD sufferers if what I'm doing is the right thing to help my partner. We have been separated for a month now. He finally admitted to me that he has PTSD and that he needs help. I asked him if he wanted to break up he told me no so I suggested that maybe we take a break from each other so that he can figure himself out and he agreed. We haven't set a firm time limit on it, we said about 3-6 months and than we will try again. He wanted to leave and said I could stay in the house but since my family was so far away and didn't have many friends where we lived I said I think I should go be with my family(we lived in Texas and my family is in Maryland). He said if that's what I felt I needed to do he would help me in any way he could to get me there. He told me that we just have to give it time.

He starts his treatment with the VA at the end of May so he is getting help. He said he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already has and that's one of the reasons he feels he needs some space. We still talk on almost a daily basis, some days I know he distances himself from me because he won't answer any of my texts so I just let him be for a day or so and than he'll start talking to me again. Like I've heard people say dealing with PTSD is like a roller coaster, you are going to have your up days and than there are going to be downs.

So what my question is is did I do the right thing by leaving and giving him his time and space to do what he wants and he wouldn't have to worry about seeing me when he sees his family(we lived with his family on the same property but not in the same house)? Sometimes I feel like it was a mistake for me to leave and others I feel like this is what he needs/wants and the best thing I can do is support him and be there for him? I always let him know I love him and are thinking about him and made sure that he knew just because I left that I'm not giving up on him or our relationship. Every few weeks I send him a letter telling him I miss him and I'm proud of the accomplishments he's made so far(he's started doing more things around the house there and not just laying around like he usually would).

Thank you in advance for any responses or advice you guys can give me.

 

[Meadowsweet]

There are more people who call them selves supporters than who actually support, because sometimes doing what will help a friend/loved one with PTSD is counter=intuitive.

We are all different, but from what you've said here, it does sound like you are doing all the right things.

I wouldn't rush to live together again, as sometimes treatment can make things worse before it gets better, and three months in treatment wouldn't be very long.

I hope that it does all work out for you both, and I'm really pleased that you have the respect for people with PTSD to ask for a sufferers perspective. Thank-you.

 

[shimmerz]

Sometimes we need a friend more than a spouse. Being a spouse requires effort and expectations which I am sure he feels he cannot live up to right now. So can you be a friend? That is hard to switch when we are leaving a relationship and you may feel like you are abandoning him but you can minimize that by just letting him know you are always there for him. He has family with him it sounds so he is not being left 'alone'.

I wouldn't rush to live together again, as sometimes treatment can make things worse before it gets better, and three months in treatment wouldn't be very long.

Yes, agree with this. Very much. But if the OP keeps in touch she will most likely have a good feeling as to where he is at.

 

[LostOne83]

@Meadowsweet We only said 3-6 months depending on how his treatment goes because we both don't know what to expect. Like he had said we just need to give it time. I always make sure that I reassure him all the time that I love him and I'm proud of him because my fear with leaving is that he is going to think I abandoned him and that is not the reason why I left. I felt the space would be easier for him and helpful in his healing so he didn't need to be stressed about being the partner that I guess he expects that I expect him to be, if that makes any sense.

@shimmerz I do kind of only feel like a friend I have brought that up to him when we had a prior argument before this whole thing of PTSD came about, I had told him that I just felt like we were room mates and weren't even in a relationship anymore. Guess we finally figured out the reason of why it felt like that and I hope we can get back somewhat to where we used to be. It's just hard because i want to be the one who is there with him through all of this because I love him and want to support him.

yes we communicate on almost a daily basis. I can tell when he is having a good day and when he is having a bad day just by the way he talks to me. Right now I'm guessing he's having bad because I haven't heard from him since Tuesday night and we had great conversation sun and mon. It's just so hard to have those great days talking to each other and than hit a wall. But I guess that's just what this thing is all about and I just need to be patient.

Also no he is not alone. He wanted to leave and leave me with his family and I told him no. His mom has gone with him to the VA when he goes and I think she plans to go with him to his future appointments that way he has someone there for support. Just wish it were me, but I know they say it can get worse before it gets better when they start treatment and I know he wants to protect me from getting hurt more.

 

[LostOne83]

There are more people who call them selves supporters than who actually support, because sometimes doing what will help a friend/loved one with PTSD is counter=intuitive.

When you say that are you meaning that I think it would be best if I stayed there with him for support and be there for him but what actually would be best is what I'm doing and giving him his space and time to figure everything out. Cuz I'm a little confused.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@LostOne83 , It's natural for people to want to help people they care about. Much of the time when friends/partners feel upset or stressed about something, they want a shoulder to cry on and to talk about it, and it makes them feel better. For many people that's what supporting someone is.

PTSD often prevents somebody from talking about trauma, without them having to re-live that trauma as if it was happening right now. So the standard response of trying to be there as a shoulder and a confidante, can create greater anxiety and increased symptoms in someone with PTSD, rather than lessen them.

That's what I mean by counter-intuitive = it goes against what people often think of as being supportive.

So yes, I understand your concerns, but to give space and time is what a lot of people with PTSD do need and you've said that your partner supports this decision. So it does seem that you are doing what's best.
Hope that is clearer.

 

[LostOne83]

@Meadowsweet yes I do understand what you are saying. And I think that's why it is making this situation harder on me because like you said I want to be there and support him but with this situation that can't be done because that is not what's needed. The morning we said goodbye I asked him 'we're going to be ok right?' And he told me yes and than I asked him than why does it feel like what I'm doing is wrong and he told me that it wasn't.

I know that when we were having problems before he admitted his problem every time I would try and get him to talk about anything he would just shut off and I would have to give him his space until he came back and calmed down.[DOUBLEPOST=1398976883,1398976719][/DOUBLEPOST]@Meadowsweet thank you for your replies, this is something very new to me and I want to make sure that I don't make things worse for him and help in his recovery because I believe that this will work for us as long as we continue to take the right steps. It helps to hear things from someone who is on the opposite end

 

[Justyna]

I wanted to get the opinion from PTSD sufferers if what I'm doing is the right thing to help my partner. We have been separated for a month now. He finally admitted to me that he has PTSD and that he needs help. I asked him if he wanted to break up he told me no so I suggested that maybe we take a break from each other so that he can figure himself out and he agreed. We haven't set a firm time limit on it, we said about 3-6 months and than we will try again. He wanted to leave and said I could stay in the house but since my family was so far away and didn't have many friends where we lived I said I think I should go be with my family(we lived in Texas and my family is in Maryland). He said if that's what I felt I needed to do he would help me in any way he could to get me there. He told me that we just have to give it time.

He starts his treatment with the VA at the end of May so he is getting help. He said he doesn't want to hurt me more than he already has and that's one of the reasons he feels he needs some space. We still talk on almost a daily basis, some days I know he distances himself from me because he won't answer any of my texts so I just let him be for a day or so and than he'll start talking to me again. Like I've heard people say dealing with PTSD is like a roller coaster, you are going to have your up days and than there are going to be downs.

So what my question is is did I do the right thing by leaving and giving him his time and space to do what he wants and he wouldn't have to worry about seeing me when he sees his family(we lived with his family on the same property but not in the same house)? Sometimes I feel like it was a mistake for me to leave and others I feel like this is what he needs/wants and the best thing I can do is support him and be there for him? I always let him know I love him and are thinking about him and made sure that he knew just because I left that I'm not giving up on him or our relationship. Every few weeks I send him a letter telling him I miss him and I'm proud of the accomplishments he's made so far(he's started doing more things around the house there and not just laying around like he usually would).

Thank you in advance for any responses or advice you guys can give me.

I believe that you did the right thing. As sad as it sounds, you leaving has shown him that he has to face reality and face is dead on. Being with you and at home caused great comfort and made it seem okay to him the way you two were. But making him face his fear of PTSD sometimes is what needs to happen. It sucks , but I promise you, you did the right thing. You have to keep yourself happy too

 

[LostOne83]

@Justyna I just don't want him to get the impression that because I left that I am giving up on him and on us even though I make sure he knows that and constantly remind him every now and than. I did it because I felt it is what he wanted and what would help him out the most. That is just what I am afraid of, even though too when I left I told him I wasn't taking all of my stuff. I only took my clothes and everyday necessities and he was ok with that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

you leaving has shown him that he has to face reality and face is dead on. Being with you and at home caused great comfort and made it seem okay to him the way you two were. But making him face his fear of PTSD sometimes is what needs to happen.

I gather you're the partner of someone with PTSD, rather than someone with PTSD Justyna. It may be that in the odd case, what you say is correct. But the idea that a persons leaving is 'making' the other face their fear of PTSD, is unlikely.

More often, a person with PTSD needs to be away from the added pressures that a relationship brings, before they can make room for themselves. It isn't necessarily that the relationship is anymore stressful than a normal relationship, it is that there is only so much room in one persons mind for stuff that needs attention.

A person who has experienced severe trauma will often try very hard to keep going with 'normal' life and relationships, without giving trauma attention or a significant place in the mind. By the time a person develops PTSD, the trauma is fighting them and demanding attention and its place in the mind. But work, family and friends are also demanding their attention and place.

Quite simply, it gets too crowded, and there is no place left. The mind cannot deal with the demands of the trauma as well as the demands of family, social and work life. But sadly, it is the trauma that needs their attention most in order to recover, and a person has to make space for that to happen.

Often reluctantly of course, selfishness is not a symptom of PTSD, and given the choice, most people with the disorder would be more than happy to fill their mind with a happy relationship, rather than traumatic experience. But a person with PTSD isn't given the choice. That's not something that a spouse has any influence over, that is the trauma and the nature of PTSD.