DID Did therapy goals

[Sideways]

So it's a while now since we established I had DID. I've run the gamut of T's and p-docs who don't believe it exists, those who seem to see it everywhere, and shades of grey in between those two extremes.

I have parts. I think I know all of them. I can get in touch with all of them (except one that I just can't bring myself to acknowledge). They still take over at times, at other times I experience degrees of co-consciousness.

What now? My T wants to have a conversation on our approach and our goals when it comes to treating/managing my DID. But I don't know what I want. I hate some of them. But at the same time, they're all part of me - I feel like trying to get rid of any of them or permanently shut them up would be a bit like amputating a limb. It's shitty, but they're all part of me. I kind of feel like I'm entitled to keep them, even though the system is pretty dysfunctional in its current form.

But I don't know what I'm going to be aiming for when I talk to my T. I don't know what I want my goal to be. Something functional, but also realistic. Beyond that, what is the treatment goal for DID???

 

[SeanCharles]

There are some great books out there on this subject. One that comes to mind is called "Got Parts" you can view that here: Dead Link Removed

Hopefully this is not against the forum rules... I am sorry if this is in violation.

 

[Sideways]

I've tried Got Parts. Maybe I'm ready to revisit it, but the first time around it was the catalyst for a major meltdown. Not sure why - I think that some of the parts suddenly being given too much air time before I was ready to handle the shite they have on board, the whole thing just completely blew up...:O_o:

 

[Satuma]

I don't have DID but from what ive read you can never get rid of parts of yourself. But you can get more integrated and in that way become even more close to all of yourself.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I was talking to my therapist about treatment goals and outcomes a few days ago. Of course, I'm dancing around diagnosis, so she wasn't necessarily speaking about DID, but ....

She said that the goal always is integration, but in her experience, that didn't usually happen. People just got to the point where things were managed in a smooth and seamless way between parts. Cooperation, not integration.

I find that prospect both comforting and terrifying. Maybe I'll feel different at some point, but I can't imagine losing my different parts at this point.

 

[Sideways]

@theshadowoftheliving - that's pretty much exactly it. I'm aiming for integration...but we know already that's probably never going to happen.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

It was pretty scary to hear her say that. I kinda wish she hadn't. But I think also, her point was that everyone is 'multiple' in that parts exist for everyone, so she was just trying to normalize what is happening for me.

 

[ladee]

Having problems concentrating today Ragdoll, but I read you and will try to come back later and reply... in the meantime... I am silently setting by the door... knowing you are safe .

 

[Sideways]

So I sent an email to my T (one of the ways I sort out my thoughts - lucky him!). I think maybe I've nailed what the issue is:

"I've stored memories and emotions differently to other people. If I start "communicating" with the different parts of my brain, I'm opening the floodgates for all of the emotions that I've kept nicely boxed up to start flowing around uncontrolled. All the anger, fear, blame, guilt, resentment, self-loathing - if I let my parts "talk" to each other, I'm letting those emotions out of their boxes and I won't have control over them any more".

I don't much like the thought of losing the tight control I have over my emotions.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Ragdoll Circus I like how you've put this. On one hand I want integration, but not really - I just want the parts I don't like to disappear. As long as they are sectioned off, I still have the parts I really like (the functional ones) intact. If the emotions from the ones I don't like spill out? They might contaminate the only version of myself I feel okay about.

 

[Sideways]

I really don't have a problem with getting the communication lines flowing with Ruby, my spiritual part - she's like a walking meditation session, like totally zen all the time. I could do with more of that.

But the part that holds the bulk of my anger and resentment? I'm really struggling to see how letting that out of the box is a good idea. I get that it just sits there festing and coming out and taking over every now and again and that I get myself into nasty situations like that. But at the same time, I read threads about people struggling to control their anger and how destructive that can be and I think - why would I go there? Just because that's how everyone else lives, with free access to all the different parts all the time, doesn't mean it's better, or that it's going to work for me.

 

[ladee]

The likelihood of things coming out like a Poltergeist monster is probably not going to happen... I know I thought if I Iet some of me loose, I was going to be locked up. But it came out in pieces... as much as I felt like I couldn't handle it, because I was projecting. I had never let it loose, so it was normal for me to see it all coming at once. Just as other things surfaced, and as overwhelming as it was, because I needed to feel it to heal it, it still wasn't more than I could handle with help.. Yes, we get flooded sometimes... but that is when we pull out our tool box. We start to be able to tell when it's going to get large and we can do a few things to help our self along the way.. and the worst that is going to happen is I am going to cry a river. Or I am going to feel rage... Or Fear... or what ever is in there...
I know it's not going to kill me, 'It' is not more powerful than what I know and who I am searching for. The fear of the feelings is usually always larger than the feelings, at least for me.
If I don't let it out, get it out, shove it out, invite it out... what ever needs to be done... it will eat at me, distort my thinking and suicide thoughts play havoc....
Now, when I can get somewhat rational.... killing myself would be preferable to dealing with some pain???... I know that sounds simplistic, and it's not. Not by any means...But that is how PTSD plays such powerful games with my head and feelings...
It's pain... it has an end to it... It is not going to outlive me... Because hey, who the hell am I without all that stacked neatly away? And that fear of the unknown adds to the fear of the feelings... So while I am mind f*cking myself and waiting time, it festers and comes out anyway... when all along I could have had help with it... could have been under more controlled environment, could have been safe.... I let it have it's way. Until I learned , just feel it... just get it to hell over with... I just got tired of it 'owning me'.
It was about picking my pain... let it kill me, or let it out... either way it was coming out.. so why not have some say so about it... I CHOOSE to not let it kill me...
I was having fear over things I thought I knew what it looked like... and it never looked like what I thought it did..
I don't know if this is making sense... I am fog brained today... side effects of a med... but I wanted to respond to you.
You are in a situation, safe, monitored, and all you have to do is stop some of your misery....It's not easy, not always simple... but neither is living in the pain of not knowing....
My hope for you, is that some of this gets left on that damned grey carpet where it all started... what a good place for it...
Nothing wrong with me wanting you to be happy and whole...I can set quietly for a long long time... but I'm with you... because you are there to do work... and you will. And you will be afraid, and you will do it anyway. Seems to be your pattern... and you always end up doing it anyway...
So, again, setting quietly, waiting with you... I've been there, you are not alone.