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Sufferer Difficult childhood, abandonment, former gang member, now in recovery

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"Different traumas, same problems".
You are definitely right about that!!

Let me explain...

My guy, a combat veteran is a plant manager and I also work there. We hire alot of people through a temp service. Most of them come from the inner city of Detroit. One of the men we hired was in a gang and was incarcerated for 15 years. Manslaughter. He says he's lucky he didn't get life in prison. I don't know any of the details. Anyways, him and J (my guy) became friends. He's a good guy. Changed his life completely. Raising his two younger kids by himself. His oldest daughter just graduated college. J and him had a conversation once about their similarities. And J said we both had to hurt people we didn't want to. And we both live with it every day. Different traumas, same problems!

I have a girlfriend from work, also from Detroit. Her hubby is/was (not sure about that) a gang member. She was telling me about his behavior. Anger. Hypervigalant. Sleep disorders. Trust issues. Etc... I told he it sounds like PTSD. He should see a doctor.
Again, different traumas, same problems.

This is why we're all here. To figure out this bi*ch called PTSD.

As for you not being sure if you love your kids?? You fought for visitation. That speaks volumes to me. Lots of dead beat dads out there!! Your feelings and emotions will come back. Give it some time. All those things you missed out on as a child. Go do those things with them. Ride bikes. Picnics. Sing and dance. Sports. Coloring....:)

It won't be easy. But one thing we know is you're tough and determined.

I was sexually assualted though by a few men in exchange for drugs for my mom from 4 to 9.
This could be considered to be considered human trafficking. Something to possibly check out: the Human Trafficking helpline at 1-866-455-5075. Also, with the serious head injury you have had, you may qualify for help with the Brain Injury Association - they have chapters in every state. They might know of some other supports and perhaps even mentoring and from trauma and brain injury angles. Therapists might be thrown at first because of the crimes you have committed against others, but keep going back there too. Try to not read their minds about if they are judging you or not. It's different to have a reaction to what someone has been through or what they've done, than it is to judge them as person.
I was tested after the swelling in my brain went away. But i think it was a study for sociopaths. They monitored a lot of my brain activity over the course of a month. But i dont think i was tested to see if my injurys play a part mentally. As far as the human trafficking thing. Im good for me to call that number would be inviting my mom and her problems back in my life. I have not seen her for 20 year nor heard her voice.
But its hard to not feel judged therapists. Some of their looks they give are like they are disgusted with me... But I havnt given up... Just my latest therapist moved away now im on a waiting list for a new one... Going to be a long wait though.
I love the violence and miss the life. Being hit or hitting someone makes me feel alive. But I have 2 children and i want to change for them. But talking to docs dont do anything. ...

Good to talk with you in chat tonight, @AricRiley.

Are you familiar with Cure Violence (formerly CeaseFire)? It's a public health anti-violence program, and it was featured in (an Oscar nominated) documentary called The Interrupters. The model they use is to treat violence as a virus and the way to stop it from spreading is to 'interrupt' the spread by working with individuals. The reason I mention it is that the interrupters aren't just do-gooders, they themselves have violent pasts. I don't know if there is a partner organization near you, but you might want to do a bit of research on it. They've been successful enough that other cities have created programs based on their model, treating violence as a public health epidemic. Perhaps there is a similar organization where you live that might be a resource for you, with other people trying to transform their lives in similar ways.

Another organization (featured in the great documentary, Hard Road Home) is Exodus Transitional Community. It's in the New York City area, and it's founded to break the cycle of incarceration. It was founded by and is staffed with people who've been there.

The reason I'm pointing these out is that while I have not been where you are, and have not had your experiences, I know there are people out there who have. They have sites that may be able to lead you to people and resources that all us well-wishers who haven't been in similar circumstances just can't provide. If nothing else, their sites may have some key words to help you track down something closer to you, or just research other places than can be part of your healing process.

That said, I admire you sharing, and wanting to make life better for yourself and your children.
But you are not alone , at least here you get to be you.... and I doubt seriously that anyone is judging you... you will start to feel better here as time goes on and you read and meet more people..... we are the last people on earth to judge, our life has been too damned hard for that nonsense..... we truly just want to support and encourage you... I know, that's just too simple , right? Ya, that's why it works... it's simple and it's real.....
@AricRiley ,
Glad to have met and talked to you in chat last night.

Glad you are here. I see you got the guts to share what you've been through. :hug:@AricRiley :hug:

I witnessed many violent deaths as a child. As well my mother handed me over to my violent and abusive, father for him to do with as he pleased with me. He tried to train me to kill just like him. I've been in therapy a long time. Hard to find someone who believes me and can help me and is not overwhelmed by what I've seen.
It's was very difficult and inspiring to read your story. I think you might relate to this book called, A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah about a child soldier who had his childhood stolen which is a version what happened to you, hopefully you can remember that when you are feeling down about yourself. You weren't given a chance to make and it's a miracle that you are where you are today.
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