I used to blame myself for not managing to successfully get help, but now I see that I tried and the deck was stacked against me.
I remember a few times crying out for help from outsiders. I disclosed to different people. Once I went to the police station to ask for help, but that guy was in jail so their attitude was – “I’m not sure what you want us to do”. Once was to a self defence teacher when I asked him how to protect myself from my then-current abuser. He was young and not equipped to handle my disclosure and so didn’t say much, but the next week when I apologised for disclosing he said that he’d forgotten about it because people disclose this to him all the time … and that was the conclusion for that particular cry for help. I could describe numerous other times, but none of them worked.
Point is, today I am high functioning, much older and wiser, I have a good job, a good family and enough money behind me to throw around at solutions….if anyone is going to be in an ideal place to ask for help, its me. But here I am with all these resources at my disposal and I still can’t get help. When I asked for a referral my doctor made everything worse by comparing me with a girl who had a much worse childhood than me, and then disclosing some of the more extreme crap she had to deal with (severely triggering and I felt so guilty for asking for help when her abuse was sooo much worse, I lost many days to that 15minute appointment). The T that I was referred to started making everything worse and I thought to myself, be strong it will get better, but it hasn’t its just ended up making everything worse… out of respect to her I’m planning to not share her significant stuff-ups but to make a point, when I described one of them over the phone to the new place I’m going to see (they asked what went wrong) they said that they wouldn’t comment on that for legal reasons….hmm…
So, point is, its now been about 8 weeks since my last appointment. I’ve managed to organise a new potential T, but the organisation process took some time (and a lot of emotional energy which I don't really have to spare) and the waiting list means its still another 2 weeks away. If she is crap, then its going to be another long wait and worsening symptoms….I’m really trying to stay hopeful, but I’m struggling.
I’ve also been enquiring about finding a live-in therapy place so that I can go through a bunch of this work without having the fears of damaging my kids and career while I have the worse symptoms since I was a child….(I have the money, so it is an option)….but guess what…. I’ve discovered that there are none available in my country.
So while I’m incredibly frustrated, and currently regretting opening up my Pandoras box…I can see a silver lining with this, which is... I now forgive my younger self. For years I thought I should have tried harder to get help. Well I’m desperately trying now and its not working….so how was it going to work for her…so young, so frightened, and so lacking in resources. The media implies that there are all these resources and all you need to do is reach out and people will be there to help you…Hogwash.
I remember a few times crying out for help from outsiders. I disclosed to different people. Once I went to the police station to ask for help, but that guy was in jail so their attitude was – “I’m not sure what you want us to do”. Once was to a self defence teacher when I asked him how to protect myself from my then-current abuser. He was young and not equipped to handle my disclosure and so didn’t say much, but the next week when I apologised for disclosing he said that he’d forgotten about it because people disclose this to him all the time … and that was the conclusion for that particular cry for help. I could describe numerous other times, but none of them worked.
Point is, today I am high functioning, much older and wiser, I have a good job, a good family and enough money behind me to throw around at solutions….if anyone is going to be in an ideal place to ask for help, its me. But here I am with all these resources at my disposal and I still can’t get help. When I asked for a referral my doctor made everything worse by comparing me with a girl who had a much worse childhood than me, and then disclosing some of the more extreme crap she had to deal with (severely triggering and I felt so guilty for asking for help when her abuse was sooo much worse, I lost many days to that 15minute appointment). The T that I was referred to started making everything worse and I thought to myself, be strong it will get better, but it hasn’t its just ended up making everything worse… out of respect to her I’m planning to not share her significant stuff-ups but to make a point, when I described one of them over the phone to the new place I’m going to see (they asked what went wrong) they said that they wouldn’t comment on that for legal reasons….hmm…
So, point is, its now been about 8 weeks since my last appointment. I’ve managed to organise a new potential T, but the organisation process took some time (and a lot of emotional energy which I don't really have to spare) and the waiting list means its still another 2 weeks away. If she is crap, then its going to be another long wait and worsening symptoms….I’m really trying to stay hopeful, but I’m struggling.
I’ve also been enquiring about finding a live-in therapy place so that I can go through a bunch of this work without having the fears of damaging my kids and career while I have the worse symptoms since I was a child….(I have the money, so it is an option)….but guess what…. I’ve discovered that there are none available in my country.
So while I’m incredibly frustrated, and currently regretting opening up my Pandoras box…I can see a silver lining with this, which is... I now forgive my younger self. For years I thought I should have tried harder to get help. Well I’m desperately trying now and its not working….so how was it going to work for her…so young, so frightened, and so lacking in resources. The media implies that there are all these resources and all you need to do is reach out and people will be there to help you…Hogwash.
