Difficulty Showing Emotion

[justme4]

I was wondering if many others have this issue. I show almost no emotion either positive or negative.

When I was young, 3 or 4, I would hide in my closet and pretend that my thoughts and feelings were a TV show and that I would blink my eyes hard and force my brain to shut off. When I was young I would call emotion the ugly people in my head and find a spot and shut it off. When I was older and in school I would stare at an object in the classroom for hours and put my negative thoughts into the object. I created at fantasy life for myself and to this day I have trouble remembering what is real in my head and what experiences I imagined.

I have gone on to do well and to the outside person I have a perfect life. It has gotten to the point where I have developed a tic disorder and whenever I think of something I don't want to I automatically close my eyes tight and my head snaps to the side. My startle if off the charts and has gotten to the point where my skin hurts all the time. I am starting therapy but mind bounces like a pinball machine and I get tics. At this point in life I don't cry, but I also don't laugh and enjoy life like I would like to. I hate/am afraid of emotion.

Is anyone else like this? Does it take medication or therapy to open up something that has been hard wired in your brain for so long? Any feedback would be great.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

I definately have difficulty with emotions. Mine tend to range from non-existant to way over the top (I will blow things way out of proportion).

I see that you are starting therapy. That's GREAT! Give yourself some time, it will get better. I do believe in cases like ours - it does require therapy to begin to feel like it's ok to feel emotions again.

As children, if our minds didn't find a way to protect ourselves - we probably would not be here today (or at least would be severely more ill). Emotions are scary because it means your opening yourself up. With therapy you can learn that you have the right to do that and develop techniques to learn how.

I don't have any advice regarding medications - except if this is bothersome to you then you should discuss your options with your therapist and then determine what is best for you.

 

[trapped]

I have a lot of trouble expressing and showing emotion, mostly because of my dad's abusive reactions towards me whenever I did... if I cried, he gave me something to cry about. If I laughed, he'd get angry sometimes. When I showed pride and excitement, usually whatever I was excited about was taken away from me. If a friend, family member, or pet died, I didn't dare show any emotion... he didn't know how to raise a little girl, he was a commanding officer in the army and did know how to raise soldiers though... and showing emotions on the battlefield can get you killed, and well, he just generalized that to all of life... I've slowly gotten better, with a lot of supportive friends, therapy, and time... it's taken a lot of time and trust, and a lot of getting hurt by people who weren't healthy for me to have in my life, for me to learn to show emotion, and I'm not fully there yet, but I'm getting better.

 

[Keenbean]

Hey! I used to have problems with showing emotion and still do to some extent at times, but things are much easier than they used to be. I have been seeing my psychotherapist for over 6 years now and for the first 2 or 3 years I refused to cry. I just couldn't do it. Emotionally I felt very blunted somehow...maybe it was the medication I was on, maybe I just couldn't deal with the emotions so I shut them off somehow. But I was like that most of the time.

Then a few years in I cried one session. Not properly, just a few tears. My therapist was astounded that I finally cried (she actually had tears in her own eyes at that point) but said it was a good thing. And then I was able to talk more and started to cry lots- at good things, bad things, irrelevant things. My emotions went everywhere. But it got better. I went through a phase of monitoring all my emotions and trying to decide which were appropriate to the situation, and feeling pleased with myself when my brain had managed to match emotion to situation (although that's down to individual interpretation of what is appropriate of course). And things started to feel better. Now I am generally quite an animated person and usually let my emotions show (unless dissociated of course) and it feels good to be able to do that. But hard work to get there....

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say really- just that it is worth working at if you would like to be able to handle emotions better. A therapy setting is a good place to work on it- a safe place where it doesn't matter if your emotions are overwhelming for you or if you don't know how to get them out. Keep trying, I feel much better now I have learnt to express them more easily.

Best wishes, KB

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have the hardest time with showing love......With a man, it's all about the physical with me, the act of sex. But with people in general, I have a hard time showing affection. I can *say* that I love a person, and mean it, but showing it is difficult for me....

I honestly don't know how to express some of my emotions, through actions....Anger is different, I pretty much had that one down pat for a long time. I now, know how to control it.....

 

[Xenu]

She Cat, I'm much the same way. I can love someone in a completely non-romantic way, but its difficult to express sometimes without appearing over the top. I don't allow myself to express anger. It has its roots in fear and I associate fear too strongly with weakness and losing the emotional control that keeps me safe.

 

[bluejayway]

She Cat, this is so much like what I do. I know in my head that I love my husband, but it's like the emotion doesn't reach my heart, to the point that it's almost like there are 2 separate parts of me, one above the neck and one below the neck and each one is cut off from the other. Sex is the same way - I'm not mentally present, just physically, and it's rarely enjoyed the way I suspect "normal" people enjoy it. As far as other emotions, I tend to hold them in for the most part - and end up taking something the wrong way & overreacting because of it. I can't get just a little mad or sad or upset about something.

 

[shiraz]

Hi justme4,

You had some very creative coping mechanisms as a child and they are still in place. You can feel emotion again with therapy and learn to recognize and accept emotion in yourself again.

My emotions were completely switched off all my life and gradually with therapy, I have learnt to feel, recognise and express emotion. It has been a long journey and I have to work at it all the time. The thing I have come to realise is that not feeling emotion is creating more trauma. When you don't feel emotion, you allow yourself to compromise and you basically place yourself last. When you do this, it feeds the PTSD.

When I block my emotions off, I know all about it as I dissociate (block emotion). Feeling the emotion means dealing with the pain of the past and when emotion arises in the present, it triggers emotional pain from the past. It is very tricky. It has felt like being a two year old learning emotion. Two year old's scream when their toys are taken from them and cry when their balloon pops and experience a roller coaster of emotion every minute of the day. I had to educate my partner on all this as I was driving him crazy getting upset over really small things, which had enormous roots.

I have an emotions chart I use which helps me figure out the emotions I am feeling and also helps me monitor what is motivating my behavior, whether it be anger or sadness or fear ... not much happiness yet, but I am getting there.

It is part of the healing journey and it must be done.

All the best for your journey toward healing and wholeness.

:Hug_emoticon:
Shiraz