Defences showing up when they don't need to

[maybeiamabear]

In my therapy session today, somethings came up.

First - feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness which I have experienced with respect to my past relationships with friends, family and romantically - before I understood what my own boundaries and non-negotiables are.

Now ..i am really struggling to put words to my feelings also because I am experiencing so much fear and anger. Putting up my boundaries and choosing myself feels like "i am losing all my relationships"

And it feels like I am trying really hard to protect myself from these external relationships too from taking my agency to live my life in my own ways.

I feel very scared. I think.

My therapist pointed out that I behave in this fashion "Etiher fall in line or they change", sense of insecurity around career - what are more options do i have

In my head, it feels like I don't really have any other options

1. My father got angry with me because I stopped giving money for his business
2. The girl I got close to - we stopped talking because she felt we don't have a future together because a) i felt very safe b) i am not very ambitious c) because of how my family is (schizophrenic mother, financial failures at my fathers end, school drop out brother) - yes it is f*cked up and yet we keep on living (and thriving)
3. my best friend broke his knee and he needs me around emotionally - i cannot travel and be there in his city, i am afraid that he only wants me because he is in a crisis and once life is normal he goes back to being with his girlfriend and i want to not go out of my way right now to meet him because I have my own plans
4. in my career, i choose a balanced life - instead of constantly being on a path where i am switching jobs to earn more

i dont know if i am seeking validation, i feel very out of my skin

 

[abovedown]

First - feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness which I have experienced with respect to my past relationships with friends, family and romantically - before I understood what my own boundaries and non-negotiables are.

Something in this sentence really got me. I am currently dealing with lot of conflicting emotions (such as sadness, frustration and anger). In some ways I think I too try to protect myself from outside world, sometimes it feels that I try to protect myself from my emotions

For the items you listed it seems you have a lot on your plate right now. I think that particularly #4 is important as work can take lot out of oneself if one is not capable of setting boundaries. You might benefit also setting healthy boundaries (which you in the process in doing (items #1, #2 and #3) in your relationships which affect you financially and emotionally.