Relationship Dilemma... Please Advise!

[Remindme5]

Hi there,

I have posted here about a year or so ago. Long story short, my ex contacted me after 7 months of no contact. A year ago, he came back from deployment and broke everything off with me after a few years out of the nowhere. I was devastated.


Now he is back in my life. According to him, he now realizes that he needs help because he was suicidal about two weeks ago. He says he is a changed man, wants to start on a new slate, is finally getting help and on medication, wants to work things out, needs me in his life. I'm just extremely happy he is now getting the help he needs, whether we do work it out or not.

There is no denying that the love is still there and I know he needs a friend. I am at a crossroads. I have been deeply hurt by him. In the beginning when he first contacted me, I was angry and resentful. How dare he just contact me out of the blue and expect me to take him back as if nothing happened. I learned to let it go after several talks with him and move forward.

From doing research and from experience with him and his combat ptsd, I know relationships are tough. I've experience most if not all symptoms. I'm such an affectionate person and the fact that he can't call me his gf or won't put the title, which hurts. I'm referred to as his really really good friend. Before he would say he loves me, now I get I really really like you a lot. Sometimes, he does say I love you when he decides to open up. I just can't feel like he is stringing me on. I've asked him about it, and he says he doesn't know what he really wants with me yet. But yet, we do everything that a bf/gf would.

I guess my question is, now that he is in therapy, how successful is it to be in a relationship? If I do decide to continue this "arrangement", I want to feel assure that we might have another shot.

I've taken some time to clear my head and assess the situation. I'm not going to be intimate with him, until I have more of an idea of where this is going.

Just confused at all the mixed signals. Sorry for venting. I need advise/point of view from people going through my struggle in dealing with someone with ptsd. It is def not easy.

One confused milso

 

[Friday]

There are no guarantees in life... But in my own, I tend to have a lot more success when I know what the challenges will be in advance.

 

[KwanYingirl]

His journey will be long and he will be challenged to work hard to resolve some of his symptoms of PTSD. It does sound to me that he wants to manipulate you to 'be' whatever he decided to call you a friend not gf, but you must represent a safe place to him or he wouldn't be seeking your company.

I think you are wise to delay intimacy until you feel more secure with the 'new' him. All of my relationships suffer due to my PTSD. I only have 3 friends that have stuck by me. My family just pretends I don't exist and my daughter has had it with my mood swings. The sad thing is I genuinely care for people and want more than anything to have an end to intrusive memories, flashbacks, anxiety etc you know the laundry list of our symptoms.

Tread carefully and be good to yourself. You deserve to be happy and respected. None of us has a crystal ball to see how he responds to treatment. If he thinks it's everyone else's job to fix him without any effort on his part, he will not progress. Good luck!

 

[anthony]

The issue with PTSD is that one week it craves x, the next y, a month later it wants z. Rinse and repeat, PTSD is cyclic until there is a duration of effective change, where the person has broken the cycle.

As above... has he changed, or hasn't he? Well... time will tell that, nothing else. If you love him, and you think he loves you, and you seem to have your head screwed on pretty well in relation to keeping this slow going for your own assessment... then see what happens. If you don't like what you see over the coming months, get the hell out to never return. If you do, then go with it and work together as a relationship.

I understand what he is doing in relation to not knowing what to express... because chances are he doesn't really know what he feels himself. Especially with medication, therapy and trying to work through his trauma... his emotions will be chaotic at best right now. Obviously not a foundation to start a relationship on, but again, you seem to have your head screwed on and in assessment mode, which is a good place to be considering your history together thus far. He hurt you... who says he won't again? No doubt a top thought for you. The answer is as you suspect... he may, he may not... but if you don't find out, then you would only be guessing the answer if in fact you still love him and would like a relationship with him.

 

[Jane.l]

@Remindme5 I really apologise for going off topic but ...
@anthony re: your 1st paragraph - why don't I know anything about this ???- that is exactly what I do xyz and back round in a manic cycle - I have brought it up several times in T because it's feels so pronounced to me that it almost feels like different people . I have been trying to find a logical explanation or even a way to explain it to my T but you seem to have summed it up in that little paragraph . Feels like a bit of a light bulb moment .

 

[Remindme5]

Thank you all for the responses! Greatly appreciated!
@KwanYingirl : Thank you! Yes, he has said that he feels safe with me, that I won't hurt him. I Don't want to sound selfish and I do know he is going through a lot. That fact that he finally realized that he does need help and is getting help, I think it's a right step in the right direction. I know he cares because he says it and at times shows it. It's just the switch in moods/affection that plays with my mind. I guess time will tell. I've asked me what he needs of me and he said patience and understanding. I know he cares and deep down loves me although he can't say it at the moment. It sucks.

 

[Remindme5]

@anthony thank you for the insight. Very helpful! Now I can see why one week is apple, a few weeks later is oranges, etc.

 

[nursenurse]

He was suicidal 2 weeks ago, and now he is a changed man. I hope that is true, but 2 weeks is not enough time to tell. Go slowly, he needs to prove himself to you, and more importantly to himself. He could just be grasping at straws, hence waltzing back into your life after 7 months. No horizontal mambos, nada for now. The thing is, it seems that you want to be more than friends, when he has been pretty clear about your role in his life at the moment. Don't extrapolate it into the future, what you have now may be what you have in the future. It could be worse, it may get better. Can you live with it the way it is now, forever? Do you want to put your life on hold again?

Protect your heart. Tread very carefully. Good luck.

 

[Remindme5]

@nursenurse wow! That's was a wake up call! Thank you! I myself am trying to figure out what to do, should I completely leave him? Should I stay and be just friend(at least for now). It's just a mind f bc he's words are not being backed up by his actions. Def taking it slow on step at a time. But yes, I def want more with him :-( Just as I was beginning to fully move one, he contacts me and rearranges my whole life. I just don't know.

 

[nursenurse]

Move on. My opinion. Let's you out, reels you back in. Are you his last call out of desperation? I dunno, I had a guy, non PTSD, told me all he thought I would want yo hear, but it wasn't enough, and as soon as I said "Good for you, but it is still a no go" he went back to his old ways, including death threats and such. If his words are not being backed up by his actions, you have your answer. He is speaking out of one side of his mouth.

 

[nursenurse]

PS. He is not rearranging your whole life. You are.

 

[Remindme5]

@nursenurse right...I should have said shaken my world again. I know I should move one. If this was a non ptsd relationship I would have left long time ago. It's just easier said than done. My head is clouded.