Dilemma this weekend...

[barefoot]

My mum died 9 months ago. It’s still a difficult, painful, shocking thing for me to think about. I haven’t really processed it yet. I avoid thinking about her and talking about her.

It would have been her birthday this coming Sunday.

I initially thought I should spend time with my family for her birthday but have more recently changed my mind and decided I don’t want to do that.

None of us have mentioned getting together and then I got booked in for a colonoscopy the day before her birthday, so that felt like good timing in that it was a good reason to count myself out of pretty much everything that weekend. I told my dad about the colonoscopy date.

My colonoscopy date has now been moved, so I am now free this weekend. I still don’t want to go and visit my family or speak to them this weekend. I feel like I somehow need to create s little protective bubble for myself this weekend and being around challenging family dynamics st such an intense time will be upsetting and stressful, I think.

Other spanner in the works is that it’s also Father’s Day here this Sunday (my mum’s birthday)

I am sending him a card and gift. I usually see him on father’s Day as am usually there that weekend for my mum’s birthday anyway. If I wasn’t there for whatever reason, I would call him.

I don’t know what to do on two fronts:

- do I tell him my colonoscopy has moved or do I continue to have him believe it’s going ahead this Saturday?

- do I call him on Sunday to say happy father’s day? It feels awful to say happy father’s day when we all know it’s my mum’s birthday and the first year she isn’t with us. I don’t see how I can speak to him and none of us mention mum’s birthday. But I really don’t want to talk about her.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I want to avoid everything about this weekend - so feel inclined to have my dad think colonoscopy is still happening this weekend and then I can be too groggy to call - but I also don’t want to cause any upset just because I’m too much of a wimp.

Any thoughts??

 

[Teamwork]

Always be as honest as you can. My moms birthday and Father’s Day always joined up too and it caused issues yearly. Everyone grieves differently so not wanting to be in a family gathering is part of your process and only you can honor it. Call your dad today and have the Father’s Day chat with him. I can’t tell from your post how your relationship is with either of your parents but if you have strains there do the smallest amount possible. Your dad would be trying to sort his head out too, regarding loss of his wife so being honest about where you are at may help open him up too. Again, I don’t know the relationships, whether they were not solid but just doing things your way is best even if it means an early phone call and no visit.

 

[digger]

Surgery get cancelled on the day all the time, so if you didn't want to tell him in advance about that you wouldn't need to. Pretending it went ahead and then saying you were too groggy on the Sunday to call might backfire if he finds out you having the procedure in two weeks instead?

I think if you are sending a card, you wouldn't necessarily need to phone as well?....But I don't/didn't have a good relationship with either of my parents. Do you have a good relationship with your dad?

Another option might be to be too unwell over the weekend to either be able to have the procedure (valid reason for a procedure being cancelled) or visit or call - it's not really untrue either.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks both. We have an ok relationship. He’s not always easy to talk to. He isn’t very emotionally intelligent and lacks empathy. And that can make things hard sometimes.

My sister lives with him (my mum as well before she passed away) and it’s a difficult, gloopy, codependent dynamic. I find that very stressful and try not to get sucked in.

I ended up speaking to him yesterday. He actually called me, which was a surprise.
Told him the procedure just got moved. Told him the new date.

I acknowledged my mum’s birthday this weekend - I don’t think he would have brought it up. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it/her. Me neither. But he couldn’t even seem to acknowledge that this was a difficult time for us all - he said my sister seemed “very emotional, for some reason.”

Yeah...perhaps because it’s mum’s birthday coming up (and she was the one who found her) plus she’s recently been diagnosed with depression. But, yeah dad, no idea what she’s got to be emotional about!

Anyway...seeing as he seemed totally avoidant about the topic of my mum’s birthday, I think he’s probably happy for me not to be there this weekend. Perhaps it would be too intense for him, just as it would be for me.

As we had a chat yesterday and his Father’s Day present probably arrived today, I don’t feel I need to contact him tomorrow. I think it’s enough.