Dipping In The Inner Child Pool

[ghotiff]

@watundah im not sure of your childhood but I thought I'd share this story.

I was sexually abused as a child for many years. I hated being a little girl, as its little girls that get abused. My first T encouraged me to look at childhood photos...this wasn't good for me (maybe it was way too soon).

As I grew into an adult I wanted (and have) separated myself from the vulnerable child me.

When I do what might be considered inner child stuff I concentrate on the easier things for me to access like the coloring books.

The way I started this was to walk around a toy shop and allow myself to see if I wanted anything there. I wasn't ready to buy anything, but just looked and tried to see if anything caught my attention.

 

[illusionist]

Reminds me of a story of my past. I used to walk past a bakers shop, from my past, with my husband at the time. I mentioned to him, at Easter, how I would look in the window and would see the iced cakes decorated with little chicks and always wanted one, as a kid. He appeared one Easter with the Carlton bag( name of bakers) and I instantly went back to childhood.....yes I got my iced cake and my little chick.....she felt the emotions of it and cried tears of joy.....all over an iced cake!

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe part of it was that I had to manage and surpress my emotions from an early age. Learning to recognize then buy a small toy just because I "wanted" it was a big step.

I think for those of us with childhood issues that there will be different hurdles to overcome, but maybe some similar themes.

 

[Chava]

I do not relate to or like "inner child" as a concept or descriptor. It might just be a language thing and finding a way around it. Truth is I am very childish in therapy and that's getting at my traumatized and stuck parts. What seems to help is allowing my body (myself, whichever way of thinking of it works best) the comfort or protection it wants. My adult self needs NOTHING. My "child" or traumatized self wants to hold a teddy bear (but wants to need nothing...freakishly timid about even holding a teddy bear). Or hold nothing but curl into a little ball.

What "I" myself as an adult and as a traumatized person (inner child) want are the same thing....to feel safe. This is where I am stuck. But if I'm honest and able to notice what my body really needs, it turns out it is sort of childish....protection, control of my body and space in very basic body-oriented ways, and some control in the relationship with my therapist...like being able to tell her if she is too close. Or the lights are too bright. Or feeling like she will listen to me and I will be heard. For me, accessing the child part is accessing my trauma stuff and very basic safety needs. I'm sort of shocked, as adult, what these are sometimes (like a teddy bear or a funny sound). But it helps me not feel like I'm in parts....I'm just accessing safety now, from a point where it left off I suppose.

Not sure if that's helpful at all. It might be a visual thing, or a body experience. Or I know getting in touch with things I loved as a kid is helpful because we can love those things as adults...nature, art, coloring, caterpillars, rocks, cozy blankets...and what I wanted then and now is having someone close but also feeling safe beside them. Seemingly little huge things like that. With the right therapist this has not been so difficult to get in touch with these younger parts. The truth is I'm sort of split to pieces, but I resist that as a concept because I want so badly to feel real and whole. Exercises like talking to my inner child, like a separate me and separate child part, would not work well for me. But if it's a matter of connecting with that part, as part of you, it seems easier...not sure if that's what your therapist is suggesting basically, but imagining reading a book to my inner child would be hard because that would feel like a split.

 

[watundah]

Yes, @ghotiff, I have my kindergarten photo and I look like the saddest little girl in the world. I took it into therapy a while ago and couldn't even look at it. I put it into an art project for my next session, so I'll be looking at it hopefully with more compassion. To me, that little face represents pain and fear.

 

[katz]

I also have some pictures of me when I was very young. I found some particular ones that show how angry I was back then. I don't see any sadness in these pictures-only rage and anger. I'm trying to find the pain and hurt that the "inner me" has. I found it much easier to look at pictures that I found on line. I just entered some feelings and a little description of myself. (blond, child, 5 years old) I then looked at the images and tried to find some that show how I feel inside. It was easier to look at pictures of strangers then myself. I was able to start getting in touch with my feelings and how to describe them without getting overwhelmed.

I saved some that stood out to me. When I start feeling something, I can look at these photos and try and find one that fits how I feel. Then I can understand my "inner child" and offer her the support and love she needs . I am between T right now, but I know that I will show them these pictures to help them understand how I feel inside. I was so young when "it " started happening that I did not have the vocabulary to describe the feelings, so now the adult me is here to help "her" find her way out of this darkness.