Disconnected

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

I think I'm just going to start typing and see what comes out. I haven't been going to therapy for 6 weeks now and I feel like I am regressing. I'm putting myself back in the shell I was in before I was in therapy. I'm constantly in a state of dissociating (mostly of the mind). I can hear things, feel things and see things normally just my emotions are tucked far away and I don't want anyone to see them. They are ugly, selfish, bitchy, nasty little things. I've been meditating more but my anger is still the most prominent. As it was when I was a child and teen. I'm afraid I'm regressing because I was making progress but I'm done letting people step on me, you're not going to fall asleep on me and have me be fine with it.

I feel as though I'm angry at the world for making me this way. Not caring if I live or die each day. Relieving traumas and watching people die in front of me. It's heart breaking. I hate myself, I've become more erratic than ever. My husband an I have probably only had sex like 3 times in the past 6 weeks. I'm pushing him away, I'm pushing myself further in but I'm not backing down on my decision. I've been having more nervous and anxious things happen, picking my hair, nails, scabs, nail polish, any type of imperfection that is a part of me. I hate telling people how I really feel because I feel like they will think I'm bitching or just being stupid, to get over it. I can't, I can't just get over it. If you were raped upwards of 30 times, how the f*ck can you just get over that. I like to talk in chaat because I can forget about myself and help others in need. I could care less about myself all the time. I want to see other people happy in hopes that it will make me happy. I feel so dead. :dead: I'm tired of trying to live this fake life of being happy all the time, not being drunk has been the hardest thing for me, that was my coping skill. I wish I was like everyone else who gets off of alcohol and all the sudden their weight has gone substantially down. Nope I'm supposed to be fat. A fat f*cking tub of lard. But part of me is saying but you're looking good, you look healthy and the eating disorder comes out and says yeah well f*ck you, no I'm not.

I don't even know what to name this thead because I'm so disconnected that I could careless about this too. I've noticed that when people reply and if it's not something I'm ready for or something that I want to hear, I immediately get overwhelmed and then shut down. It's like that robot that you twist the knob on the back and it powers up but if you don't twist enough it powers back down after two steps. That's what I feel like, I feel like I'm taking so many steps back that it will take me months to get that back. What am I supposed to do when I don't care about living, dying, life or anything. I've become nothing but the Hulk again. I'm a f*cking light switch. I can feel the fire behind my eyes when I get mad. All I can see is red. I feel dangerous but I'm harmless. I've been using a lot of my time cleaning my house because I can take out all my anger on what I'm doing. I just still feel like I have so much more built up energy and anger that still needs to be released. I need to scream but I can't. I'm black and dead inside. f*cking spiders don't even want to live in there. Just their cobwebs. I wonder if I can edit this in the future if I want to add other things. I don't want to start a trauma diary, I tired that. I dissociated. I don't want people to feel bad for me, don't pity me, I don't even pity me. I hate who I've become. Jumping at every f*cking sound that comes through my house. When my husband is gone, feeling like someone is going to come in an assault me. Feeling like when I go out in public people will follow me out of stores and assault me. Be in the back of my car. When I'm not looking. All stupid, unrealistic things.

Honestly, I don't even know how or what to feel. I'm a hollow shell of who I used to be.

 

[Ember]

I can relate. The numbness and the anger. It takes a strong person to survive. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Tinyflame]

Could it be being triggered, or even grief or exhaustion/ overwhelm?

 

[LittleMrsAntisocial]

@Ember thank you for the kind words. I'm trying to be kind and focused. I feel I am not strong anymore and everyone can see it :(

@Junebug it could be all of those things. September -February are my worst months, I go to school full time and work full time. It's very exhausting in all sense of the word. I just feel so lost all the time.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @ptsdednos I've been there, hugs to you. :hug:

 

[HappyJock]

I just want to say that I see so much of myself in your writing. The emotions, how you express certain things, the anger for making you into who you think you are, etc. Especially when you say that you don’t want anyone to see your true emotions, as you think they’re ugly and nasty, so they’re tucked away. Is there a reason why you stopped going to therapy for that long? I myself go to therapy twice a week, every single week and sometimes would even have a third session if I truly feel like I need that third session. It may not seem like a big deal, but even missing one of the two session has small effects on me. So, not going for six weeks I’m not surprised you have things on your mind.

I feel as though I'm angry at the world for making me this way. Not caring if I live or die each day. Relieving traumas and watching people die in front of me. It's heart breaking. I hate myself, I've become more erratic than ever.​

That’s like reading from my own journal. It’s hard living a life when you don’t really know if you can love the person in the mirror. No person worth your time or friendship, or someone that’s normal would ever tell you to get over it. You can’t get over something like that -- and I’m sorry you went through that. I too, went through something similar so I know it’s something that stays with you forever -- and it’s something you just have to live with and can’t get over. In time, I guess we just learn how to live with the pain. It seems like you’re a wonderful person, looking for ways to help others, which would make you happy as well. For me, personally? I could be held up at gunpoint, wouldn’t give a damn -- but if it were someone else? I’d step right in front of them. Because I don’t care about myself dying -- and if I die, I would die in that situation, hopefully sparing someone else -- and I wake up asking myself why I keep going.

Reading on, I just have to say again, it’s like reading words that are my own thoughts. I don’t know what to say, because I know if this situation were reversed and someone told me something nice, I wouldn’t believe it, even if I would appreciate the gesture -- it’s just how much I hate myself. If therapy helps, I would say maybe go back, it’s always nice to have someone to talk to who will be there for you and only you, and not judge you. If writing helps, perhaps start a private journal where you can reflect on your thoughts and go back to them later. Of course, we’re always here. I would say you’re pretty damn strong anyway -- living life when you don’t like yourself, expressing hate, but you keep going - and I hope you keep on going and find all the answers you’re looking for.

A while ago, I read something that said something along the lines of "Depression starts when you’re disappointed in yourself. Or maybe your disappointment in something else. It eats away at your soul, discourages you and sends you down a road where you’ll feel helpless and pursue self-destructive behavior." It continues to say that Depression is different, because unlike other things, it prevents you from seeing a possible destination in sight. Most people could find a reason to fight in war or win an argument, because they know how they wish that to end. But it's so hard when you don't even see a possible destination. It's like you're not in reality. Dissociation is scary, it feels lonely and it's a place where we feel stuck. But, that's all I really will say at this point. So many emotions, but so little to do about them. We're only guaranteed one life and even with that, it's hard to move on and be 'us' because we don't truly like or know who the "us" really is.

Anyway. Just thought I'd say that all of what you wrote shows to me that there's more to you than you let on, there's a lot of good in you as well as strength -- and the darkness is only understandably part of you, but it does not consume you. I hope you find your way into the light real soon and know that you may not care if you live or die, but I would -- if I found out, of course I'd be sad! Just the fact that you're posting here proves that there's a lot more to you, a lot of good and even through difficulty, there will eventually be good. Our difficulty shapes us, eventually. :hug:

PS: I know what you mean about "Get over it." The people who said that to me, have hurt me by saying this, but are no longer people I admire, trust or keep in my life. Getting over having "DID", going through the "R" word as a child, something like of what you went through among other things is not something you can just "get over." It shapes our way of life in such way where we have to live with these things.