Discussing dreams with Therapist

[loui50]

So my PTSD comes from multiple traumas the 1st of which is childhood abuse. I fairly certain I have repressed memories of sexual abuse. Lately I've been having very graphic dreams of me being raped. I want to discuss these dreams with my therapist but I'm scared. I'm scared to actually say the word rape and to talk about it. I'm scared to go into detail about the dreams because I can't say it out loud. I've written out the dreams and thought of just having her read them then talk about them if I can. The dreams a so vivid and graphic and horrible. The worst part about them is I don't know if they are true or just dreams. I think that's why I'm afraid to talk about them. How could my brain make up such horrible things. I'm really struggling with this. Any suggestions?

 

[Friday]

How could my brain make up such horrible things.

Ever have a flying dream?

Talking about your dreams won’t make them more or less true. Whether they’re completely true flashback style dreams, too much nightmare fuel blend of fiction and reality, or total fiction.

One of the consistent things my nightmares do is cast people I love/trust/respect in the role of villain. I can see WHY my brain does that... I’m a control freak, and it’s the only (well, on a short list) of comfort my brain CAN offer me. I’m otherwise reliving something terrible, but I’m not alone. I’m with someone I love. Not in a role of victim, or someone I’m supposed to protect and failing, but the most powerful person in the room. Which leaves me with a queasy disgusting feeling, but also means -unlike what happened in real life- I know them. I know what makes them tick. I have a chance to use that information. So it makes a twisted kind of sense that I’ve both inserted a protector in my dreams as well as an edge, at least an illusion of control, in what was an entirely uncontrolled situation.

It took me awhile to work out WHY people I loved were being cast as evil sons of bitches. Especially when there was no way in hell they were involved. All my trauma happened as an adult, I very clearly remember all the players involved, and none of them were my 25yo mommy or 30yo daddy. (My parents were retired by the time my trauma happened, but it makes sense that if I’m casting a rescuer? I’d cast them as I remembered them as a child... when they were young/fit/healthy & had the power of God in my child’s heart & mind, the power to make everything safe/warm/happy/good again). Whilst I DID have a few boyfriends I’ve crossed paths with, without knowing? (We were both in the same place, doing the same job, years earlier... but never met). I ALSO know they weren’t involved. Different nationality, race, age, etc. It’s just my mind, doing what it does.

^^^The point of this isn’t to say your dreams aren’t true. The point of this is even knowing for certain my dreams aren’t true? Doesn’t halt the mindf*ck. And that’s just one version of having too much nightmare fuel, that I’ve worked out to my own satisfaction. It’s still nauseating, confusing, disgusting, gutting, hateful that leaves me feeling disoriented for hours/days afterward. (And before I worked out that pattern? It caused me to break up with a few people, thinking I had noticed something subconsciously about them / viewed it as a sign to leave them. These days I just throw up and ignore it. But it took me awhile to get there).

It’s okay for dreams to cause a mindf*ck. Not okay like good/fun, but just super normal. It’s okay not to have perfect understanding of them, or for them not to make sense, or for them to rake you over the coals... and it’s okay to work through that process with someone.

Ain’t wrong to want a little bit of backup. Someone you know/trust to work through things with.

 

[blackemerald1]

A bit off topic.. :sorry:

It caused me to break up with a few people, thinking I had noticed something subconsciously about them / viewed it as a sign to leave them.

^Have you ever been on the mark with this though? Have you found out that you did notice/sense something was not right? That you were indeed correct?

Where does this come from?

I've discussed this with my T and psydoc a lot. It causes a lot of distraction for me. I notice/sense a load of stuff and sorting out the chaff from the hay is exhausting. Often I am correct though. That's not fun anyway.

 

[Sideways]

I've written out the dreams and thought of just having her read them then talk about them if I can.

This sounds like a good compromise to me. If talking to your T about them would take some of the power out of them? Then that sounds like an excellent idea.

If saying the actual words is going to prevent you having that productive discussion? Then work around that.

I’m with @Friday - I have no idea where my head comes up with it’s gruesome dreams (ahem, ‘nightmares’). But that’s okay, our brains are like that.

 

[susannahsays]

You don't have to say the word "rape" if you don't want to. If you feel like discussing these dreams with your therapist would be helpful, I wouldn't let aversion to having to say that word hold you back. You can always just say "force to have sex" if that's easier, or just "sex" if the context makes it clear that it's not consensual.

I have had many nightmares that I know could not have happened. This does not of course mean that what you dream didn't happen, but I would never reason that the mind is incapable of generating horrific scenarios that never happened. We know that this is indeed possible.

Like Friday, I have nightmares that, while inspired by real events, mix in benevolent shit to create maximum horror and confusion for me. I don't know why. All I know is that my dreams definitely aren't biographically accurate. In fact, I'd say more than half of my dreams are not of things that actually happened. They might be accurate in that they involve a particular perpetrator, but they might not mirror the details of any instance of abuse that I recall. And then there are the ones that may or may not involve actual perpetrators but mainly feature people who have never abused me.

 

[NightSky]

My T of 4 years just said tonight she’s finally seeing just how big of a role dreams and nightmares play in the cycles I go through in my “good/stable/okay” times and my severely triggered/self-sabatoging times. And that’s only because I started emailing her recently in detail some of the dreams that were triggering, but not graphic. As more graphic ones occurred I emailed and would keep it general- “they have been graphic and included rape.” They’re not biographically accurate. But I feel them for days. In session she asks if I can talk about them and lets me say no.(which I always do. And she said when she knows I can handle it she will push me more) She asks questions, “is someone abusing you?” And I can say yes. “Do you see their face?” Etc. that kind of processing and support has helped me and helped her help me. It doesn’t matter if it’s biographically accurate or not. I know that’s frustrating. I, too, know that I have sexual abuse somewhere in my childhood with some flashbacks but very few memories of anything ages 0-10. I know how hard it can be to not know what to believe. But your dreams do communicate emotions. And those are important to weed out. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling your T you have no idea if it’s true. I’ve had to tell mine that about all of my flashbacks. It’s ok. Get the support. You deserve it.

 

[Friday]

Have you ever been on the mark with this though? Have you found out that you did notice/sense something was not right? That you were indeed correct?

My waking judgement is far better than my sleeping judgment.

My -fictitious- dreams are filled with hopes and fears, desires and danger, symbolism and synergy. Emotion clouds judgement. Also? DreamTime rules. Where tiny things have the biggest impact, and the most deadly things are the safest, & vice versa. Hummingbirds vanquish dragons. Puddles are doorways, doorways are barriers, feathers are knives but blades snuggle close keeping one warm. Physics marries Entropy and lives happily ever after / impossible isn’t.

I still have good dreams from time to time about my exHusband. Doesn’t mean he’s a good man. Maybe it’s the man he could have been, or the man I wanted him to be, but it’s not who he is. My waking mind knows this. My sleeping mind doesn’t believe in limitations, in the same way. Paying attention TO my dreams? Let’s me know where my mind is at, not where their heart is.

 

[katz]

So my PTSD comes from multiple traumas the 1st of which is childhood abuse. I fairly certain I have repressed memories of sexual abuse. Lately I've been having very graphic dreams of me being raped. I want to discuss these dreams with my therapist but I'm scared. I'm scared to actually say the word rape and to talk about it. I'm scared to go into detail about the dreams because I can't say it out loud. I've written out the dreams and thought of just having her read them then talk about them if I can. The dreams a so vivid and graphic and horrible. The worst part about them is I don't know if they are true or just dreams. I think that's why I'm afraid to talk about them. How could my brain make up such horrible things. I'm really struggling with this. Any suggestions?

You can always write them down, then you can have the T read them. I'm sure that the T will understand why it is so difficult for you to say them.
FYI - I still have not gone into any detail about mine either. Not even a T. When your ready - you will. Have faith in yourself.