F
Feralchild
I have BPD and PTSD and my life changed rapidly after an assault and break up. I managed as well as I could at first. Doing what had to be done within necessary time frames.. But lately, now that 6 months has past from the "main events." I'm so detatched and broken. It's not as if I cry all the time or obsess or lose my cool. I mostly just do nothing. I lose myself in shows or video games or in my head. Hours go by and when I'm posed to do something, its as if I'm waking up. Not as if I had no memory, or recollection. More like I was in some other world (whatever detatched activity I was engaging in) and I'm trying to come back to my life, like going potty, or making dinner or cleaning up. This doesn't occur to me as depersonalization or derealization (if those are the correct terms).. My counselor says its still dissociation, but why doesnt anyone describe or share these occurances? I cannot find any psych literature on it.
My point is, I get so trapped and lost avoiding literally everything, that facing daily activities is not easy. Slips my mind, time flows on and I realize the day is almost over and ive done nothing I'm supposed to do. I get so lost or trapped I find myself angered or frustrated or wanting to dive further out of reach when others or "things" (chores, duties, errands, expectations) beckon me.
Then when I'm finally all here I just feel terrible. Worthless. Ashamed of my unfortunate behavior that appears as though I'm just being lazy when really, I'm out of touch, from myself and my life. I then rush and struggle to manage everything ive missed or slacked on only to feel so mentally exhausted that I dive right back into the comfortable detachment I've gotten so skilled at. Its like I'm living on auto pilot. I do simple mindless activities for hours to make the day go on, so I can eventually sleep and then do it all over again. No real desires or goals or future. Just basic survival and trying to fill up the time.. I feel confused about why I'm so lost. Why this keeps happening. Why it feels so nice but is so distructive to my life. And Why I cant seem to stop. Its so natural it just happens and then hours later I'm like "oh dang what have I been doing?!"
People talk and I barely hear them, as if I'm there but I'm not. Like the lights are on and nobody's home. Like pink Floyd sang "over the rainbow, I am crazy... Simply gone fishing." The true story of my life these days. I barely ever actually feel anything. Fleeting things on and off. Sometimes I have flashbacks and cry. Then I just get turned off. I feel dull. Lifeless. I also struggle terribly with comorbid agoraphobia, which doesnt seem particularly helpful considering sometimes people try to connect with me and I rather not. I'm a recluse, I am introverted, barely ever leave my house, detest seeing people or talking to them, often all I can think is I dont want to see their faces, or have them see my face and mostly see their faces looking at my face... Silly? Maybe.. Real, definitely. Even if I did want to see people or could combat my agoraphobic fears I'm not good at "people" or communicating or relationships, I'm often brash and innapropriate make morbid jokes etc. I'm considerably feral... Anyone know where I'm coming from? Share my experience? Have advice?
My point is, I get so trapped and lost avoiding literally everything, that facing daily activities is not easy. Slips my mind, time flows on and I realize the day is almost over and ive done nothing I'm supposed to do. I get so lost or trapped I find myself angered or frustrated or wanting to dive further out of reach when others or "things" (chores, duties, errands, expectations) beckon me.
Then when I'm finally all here I just feel terrible. Worthless. Ashamed of my unfortunate behavior that appears as though I'm just being lazy when really, I'm out of touch, from myself and my life. I then rush and struggle to manage everything ive missed or slacked on only to feel so mentally exhausted that I dive right back into the comfortable detachment I've gotten so skilled at. Its like I'm living on auto pilot. I do simple mindless activities for hours to make the day go on, so I can eventually sleep and then do it all over again. No real desires or goals or future. Just basic survival and trying to fill up the time.. I feel confused about why I'm so lost. Why this keeps happening. Why it feels so nice but is so distructive to my life. And Why I cant seem to stop. Its so natural it just happens and then hours later I'm like "oh dang what have I been doing?!"
People talk and I barely hear them, as if I'm there but I'm not. Like the lights are on and nobody's home. Like pink Floyd sang "over the rainbow, I am crazy... Simply gone fishing." The true story of my life these days. I barely ever actually feel anything. Fleeting things on and off. Sometimes I have flashbacks and cry. Then I just get turned off. I feel dull. Lifeless. I also struggle terribly with comorbid agoraphobia, which doesnt seem particularly helpful considering sometimes people try to connect with me and I rather not. I'm a recluse, I am introverted, barely ever leave my house, detest seeing people or talking to them, often all I can think is I dont want to see their faces, or have them see my face and mostly see their faces looking at my face... Silly? Maybe.. Real, definitely. Even if I did want to see people or could combat my agoraphobic fears I'm not good at "people" or communicating or relationships, I'm often brash and innapropriate make morbid jokes etc. I'm considerably feral... Anyone know where I'm coming from? Share my experience? Have advice?