Dissociated During Workshop, Feeling Stupid, Drunk

[Chava]

I tried my best (focus on breathing). When I could no longer follow instructions but felt like 9,000 people were yelling inside me, I left. So I'm drinking to solve to inconsolable shame and sadness. Good news is I will go back tomorrow. Old habit would be to quit a workshop entirely after that. Not drinking much but have to say I'm enjoying the better mood, not beating myself up. It's a slipperly slope I know.

This was even the sort of workshop where a teacher could have seen me struggling and didn't , so I feel sort of abandonded by everyone. But I will go back!!!!!!

How do you deal with being triggered in work situations or having to leave altogether in order to let things de-escalate? I feel like FAILURE but I also did the best I can. If any new learning happened, I really saw how my deep habit of disengagement works....I can't look at anyone anymore...like the msucles that operate my head don't work. I shut down badly and can't pull out if it's chaos all around me. Best I could do was leave and return when ready. Hopefully nobody noticided But I still felt alone in that horror and alone in my dumbshiitness.

 

[hodge]

I tried to deal with being triggered in work situations for several years. When I got laid off, it was like a huge relief. When I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't work like that anymore I applied for disability, and that is where I'm at now. Though I've been working very part-time for a few years, but it's really hard and I do get triggered. I just don't push myself like I used to, take frequent breaks, drink iced tea, play solitaire in between work periods. Are you in therapy, Chava? I don't know what else to say. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself like you are??

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Chava are you going to meetings? I'd look at past posts to see if you answered me before but I don't remember where I asked you.

 

[joeylittle]

How do you deal with being triggered in work situations or having to leave altogether in order to let things de-escalate?

Calling a break, or faking a phone call, or just assuming that others will assume I'm going to the bathroom (which is generally where I'm going), like when I need to duck out of someone else's meeting.

 

[sun seeker]

It's such a huge amount of work to fake "normal" when triggered (or dissociating, etc). My heart goes out to you. I'm so pleased to hear you feel able to go back. Good job Chava! :tup:

 

[Chava]

Are you in therapy, Chava? I don't know what else to say. Maybe you shouldn't be pushing yourself like you are??

Yes and yes. Push comes from me, not my therapist. I have not center. Everything is f*cked up. I'm feeling feelings.llike sadness, rage, conncetion...all hard, so I feel displaced even whn doing well. Thanks hodge (hug). xoxox (not smart enough for emoticons tonight)

Chava are you going to meetings?

YES. Women mentting with men in there tongight ..too fucing tiring/consfuisng...I remained shutdown, looking down, lerft.

It's such a huge amount of work to fake "normal" when triggered (or dissociating, etc). My heart goes out to you. I'm so pleased to hear you feel able to go back. Good job, Chava.

Yes I''ll go back . They are looking for inhibitions in movment pattersn I'm at the level of trying to inhibit deeper patterns of running the f*ck away. There are some good teachrs and I totally respect that not every somatic ed person needs to be a trauma expecrt. I thik the class was set up well. It was just a failure for me. So not telling myself I;m the FAILURE. I did some breathing exercsiseson my own tonight.

I'm doing A LOT in therapy...my therapist feels like a real person, I can connect to my pets and actually snuggle, but his seems to mena I can aso fel sadness to a degree I can' mange and RAGE. I don't think very perfectly sober person has it bettr off. I just do want the 12-stp peokep beating me over the head. I won't kill myself tonight. Gas station liguor doesn't make that possiblie. I just need a rest. so I don't guage out my own skin, yo y now?

I'm trying o get a lot of information through therapy nda workinshops....so I have more choices, but it can be overwhelming...and feeling the feelings is very overhweliming. I understand it only really happens when we feel safe. And I guess I fee safe. So oddly I feel INCREDIBLY f*ckED UP. a f*ckD UP LEVEL OF TOLERANCE I SO SO SO MUCH HATE TO SAY, ,but lots of us count progress in no destroying ourselves. I think I'm still movin foraward. Thanks so much for patience and reading. I am very grateful for all of you....I mean it deeply...you help safe me from the vortex I can't esacpae. So i'm drunk ...me h....I'm nowhere near the unreachable vortex

 

[sun seeker]

So i'm drunk ...me h....I'm nowhere near the unreachable vortex

Maybe time to stop for now? Do you think you could do that? I'm concerned about you...

 

[Chava]

My cans are empty ....I'm going to bed.....................................

 

[BlueDream]

I am so sorry that you are struggling with work. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I am trying to figure this all out for myself also.
I just wanted to reach out and let you know, you are not alone!!
I care about you, and your feelings. If I can help in any way, please reach out, even if it's just to say hi, I will be here!!
I hope today is a better day for you!!

 

[Chava]

Thank you @BlueDream ...yesterday turned into a real shit show for me. Today I was able to make some more empowering choices, find little ways to feel safer, and it was a good day.