Dissociating During Sex (please Keep Non-graphic)

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Looking for some feedback from Sufferers and Supporters alike:

Do you (or your loved one) experience dissociating during sex and intimate moments - I mean whether fully "switching" from one alter to another and/or co-conscious experiences?

Do you find this troubling? How does this affect your intimacy?

If you are a Sufferer and also DESIRING the sexual intimacy, do you find this switching harmful in any way? If you are a Supporter, how do you best "go with the flow" during these moments? (Any and all input from the philosophical to the practical welcome!)

I have also seen much advice about disengaging from sexual intimacy when a "little" insider ("child part") is surfaced, but wondering if this is even practical or possible? What if the "switching" is so quick/fluid that the Sufferer isn't able to disengage without causing difficulty for the other "parts"?

Clarification: I am primarily asking for input with the presumption that the Sufferer WANTS to be sexually intimate (I have found many threads about dissociating where the Sufferer finds this traumatic and/or doesn't want to be intimate, and these are helpful, but not exactly relevant to the area where I'm needing input).

~S2B (Supporter)

PS - if you have a more "graphic" response, you can private message me so we don't offend in this public thread. :)

 

[TruelyTasha]

My partner and I both dissociate, and have dissociated while being intimate. The first thing to do before sex is open up and talk to your partner. Does s/he want you to have sex with her/his parts whether co-concious or not? I can tell when my partner switches, and she can tell when I switch. We are in-tune like that. And we stop sex when someone switches to make sure everything is all right.I'll ask "Whose out? Is (my girlfriend) alright?" The key is keeping the communications open. If she's non-responsive or switches to a little, don't continue sex, but shift to your partners needs. You should not have sex with minor parts, as this could be acting out the abuse and would be re-traumatizing for your partner. Usually when a part comes out during sex, something important is going on, and this needs to be your focus; sex will have to remain on the back burner for the moment.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi, I'm a sufferer with DID and yes, I've switched when triggered during sex. It's no fun, especially when a vulnerable little takes over. Most of the time my (ex) partner managed to pick up on it and stopped. Not all the time though and it caused much distress all around. I'm unsure what you mean about disengaging causing harm to other alters? Do mean that there may be others who are enjoying it and don't want to stop? To me, I think the most important alter to consider is the one fronting at the time, so if they are distressed then it's got to stop. I'm not sure I'm on the right track with what you're asking though.

I agree with @TruelyTasha that the key is communication. I've found that at times when a switch has happened, that alter is unable to continue communicating and that's a good indication of distress/a need for the act to stop. Especially as often, child parts won't have the language to understand what's going on or explain what they're feeling. This is also true of flashbacks, when saying no/stop was either ignored or lead to more maltreatment, so saying nothing and 'freezing' is the only defence available.

Continuing when a child part is out, put rather crudely, is just like having sex with an underage child, they've not got the capacity or understanding to give consent, so it's got to stop immediately. If once calmed down, the host or an adult part wishes to continue then great, but lots of care needs to be taken in case the younger part is triggered out again.

There have been times when I've wanted to be intimate, then I've switched and it's had to stop. It sucks, but there are always other times.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

The key is keeping the communications open. If she's non-responsive or switches to a little, don't continue sex, but shift to your partners needs. You should not have sex with minor parts, as this could be acting out the abuse and would be re-traumatizing for your partner. Usually when a part comes out during sex, something important is going on, and this needs to be your focus; sex will have to remain on the back burner for the moment.

I think this idea of "re-traumatizing" is a big key .. Presuming we have a LOVING relationship, it's my FIRST desire to make sure he's being cared for when we're together in this way, so I am completely ok with "stopping" ..

I suppose this provokes another question, what if his "child part" doesn't WANT to stop when he "fronts"?

I'm unsure what you mean about disengaging causing harm to other alters? Do mean that there may be others who are enjoying it and don't want to stop? To me, I think the most important alter to consider is the one fronting at the time, so if they are distressed then it's got to stop.

Yes, you have understood exactly what I meant :) .. Though it seems even a "child part" may not "want" to stop, so I am really picking up on the idea of discerning whether the moment is "distressing" or not .. that's a helpful distinction! But this provokes another question - what are some "indicators" that the moment is "distressing" even if HE can't tell (cuz he's so "into the moment")? How can I best care for "all" of him?

I've found that at times when a switch has happened, that alter is unable to continue communicating and that's a good indication of distress/a need for the act to stop.

This is a good "practical" tip, and a "safe assumption" .. So I like this as a general rule of thumb. Again with communication being key, and with sexual intimacy being (for us) primarily about "oneness", if part of him is shutting down, or being forcibly shut out by another part, that's a breakdown in our "communication" and a good point to focus on. Any other practical suggestions?

Very helpful, thank you!

:hug: :inlove: :)

~S2B

 

[Ice_Fire]

Though it seems even a "child part" may not "want" to stop, so I am really picking up on the idea of discerning whether the moment is "distressing" or not .. that's a helpful distinction!

In my eyes, whether a child part wants to stop or continue is irrelevant. They may not want to stop because it feels good, but a child part is just that, a child. There are plenty of abused children (*sigh* me/my alters included) who did have a physical reaction and didn't want it to stop. But that doesn't mean the adult had any right to do it in the first place or continue. If your partner physically metamorphed into a child when they switched, would you continue? I think your answer would be a 'no way!'

If he can't tell, then he's not in control. Switching in itself is an indication to stop, to check in and see if the person you actually started to have sex with is there and able to give consent. If not, then you're no longer having consensual sex. Sorry to be blunt, I'm in no way making you feel like you're doing anything wrong. But that's just how it is. Unless the host part can continue to give consent, then it stops. Open up the communication, talk about it with them etc. It might ruin the mood, well...it probably will, but only for that particular moment. The last thing either of you want is re-traumatised alters who then automatically switch 'out' and front every time you're intimate because those bits of brain wiring have associated your relationship with that of previous abusive ones.

I'd err on the side of caution and just keep communicating. :)

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

There are plenty of abused children (*sigh* me/my alters included) who did have a physical reaction and didn't want it to stop. But that doesn't mean the adult had any right to do it in the first place or continue.

I may have to be more "bold" about speaking to the fact I think his "wee one" has shown up in a given moment .. His past traumas included sexual abuse, but we definitely have the conflict of his having desired the physical pleasure at odds with the having been violated.... :( :inlove: (there is no "broken heart" emoticon? that would be so fitting right here ...)

My main concern on this dynamic is that I don't want to cause him further harm even if he *thinks* he "wants" it .. so this is tracking right with some of my other instincts, too. I'm still not exactly sure how to reassure him that it's "ok" if we "ruin the mood" temporarily. *blush*

~S2B

 

[Ice_Fire]

Patience, repetition and reassurance I suppose. Keep telling him it's okay to stop and necessary at times, but that it's not something to feel bad about. It's hard though, I've managed to get it wrong plenty of times.

 

[Ronin]

If I switch / blend / something like that, we usually pause. Talk it out with something non verbal. When it comes to telling my state, I'm way better with sign languages / hand gestures / eye communication / body communication than words, and the partner is awesome at reading people in general, not just me. Unless it's clear why on earth I switched because emotioons (younger me's still don't quite grasp the divide sex / fight). In every case, getting that out of the way first before any continuing can happen.

That said, sex is one of the activities I'm absolutely focused in, and also absolutely distractable (feeling like myself/grounded enough? processing complex reactions follows on! the last thing I want to do is continue with safe pleasant territory, I just discovered how to make safe some other ones, let's enjoy that first. Hilarious ruining of mood. It's not even I don't want to continue, just not that way.) So that dissociation isn't even about escaping, but finding where I escaped from/to first. Trying out shelters and how useful they still are.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

That is a packed post, @Kaia .. still chewing on it. :)

Could you elaborate the "escaped from/to" dynamic? Maybe give an example if you're comfortable?

I intuit that "escape" is a huge part of what's going on with us at times... He has a RICH "fantasy" life, but I feel sometimes his "escaping" (even though it often and maybe always "involves" me) actually EXCLUDES me. Like it's more real than what is real ... It's often a "beautiful" place, certainly lets me see into him in ways I wouldn't otherwise, but I'm not sure it's *healthy* (for him, OR for "us") .. does that make sense?

~S2B

 

[Ronin]

Escaped from, meaning the traditional 'don't want this happening / let's run to own head rather than be in the moment'. Escaped to, well many times in my life rape was basically the safer thing. Rape meant I'm in some way wanted around, it meant I'm going to be alive, so a preferable variant; and I'm at times lost between the two (is spacing out something to be done and safe enough to be done or am I focusing on how to be useful better) before it clicks to me neither of those mechanisms (not even remotely the same situation).

And you're definitely making sense.
Is there a way to connect to his fantasy life / would he even let you that close?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Is there a way to connect to his fantasy life / would he even let you that close?

Oh yes, in fact this was a huge part of our "getting to know each other" process. I was a 37 year old virgin when he and I moved our relationship to "more than friends" .. so he was kinda on a mission to show ALL of his inner world to me, wanting me to see as MUCH as possible so I could make an "informed" decision.

We have had many "role play" type conversations, and he is big into showing me pictures that line up with what he's imagining so I can "get in his head" .. he is very clear about what he finds sexy, what he wants to try, etc. He is also very protective and respectful of me - he won't push me beyond the boundaries I've been willing to explore, cuz he is very conscious of my complete inexperience, sexually.

He has been very patient and gentle with me .. and surprised to discover that some of my own fantasies line up with and overlap his ...

I have had some fear that *encouraging* him by playing into the fantasies might lead to other, unforeseen complications .. And because he has only recently been able to "hear" his "little" EP, some of the fantasy has taken on ... let's say, it's been .. a surprising dynamic. He's been SO open, neither of us expected this particular development ...

Thanks to ALL of you for your replies! and thank you, @Kaia , for asking!

~S2B

 

[Ronin]

I'd look at it differently - if you know what drives his (all of their) behavior, if you know their dreams and thinking and stuff like that, you have more ways to catch them if they're falling; you're having extra access for all the spaces you might fear now are 'falling apart'. It's not really making people you care for fall, or encouraging it; it's tandem sky dive.