Dissociation, i hate you!

[Mari]

I am so angry and panicked right now. I have a legal case going on and I am/was panicked for weeks that my dissociation was going to cause me to miss an important deadline, and that's exactly what may has happened.

I told myself weeks ago to check my mail everyday in case there was something I needed. And I had to tell myself to do this because I check out all the f*cking time because I am dissociating and days and weeks go by and I have no idea the date or the day.

Well, of course the worst happened and I came home last night from work and I have a critical f*cking deadline that is this Sunday which I am likely going to miss (because it's the weekend and the offices are closed)!! I remember telling myself to check my mail, but I was shocked and terrified when I realized that that was weeks ago! OMG, it's the 29th already!!

I f*cking hate you, PTSD. I f*cking hate you. I used to be really competent, and now my brain sucks and my memory sucks and my panic which causes me to forget stuff sucks and I hate you!! And now I get to live with the terror for two days because of course this happened on a Friday and I won't know if I have any recourse for two days. I just want to cry. I just want to give up. This has been so f*cking hard, the whole thing

 

[Muted]

I understand your frustrations @Mari . I think it's really hard to accept our own limitations especially when we can't do all of the things we used to be able to do. Disassociation is a time stealer from our lives and time. I get your panic, my heart still aches from a long periods of time that I was just gone...

Please don't lose faith, it takes time and patience but you can work through this.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

This is the first year in my adult working life that I have forgotten to show up somewhere. It is so embarrassing. I have also had to pull out of something that I have run in the summer for the last 7 years! I feel like I can't focus and it takes 3 times as long to do anything. I feel like a failure. For your situation, do you have a friend that can help you remember to check your mail and not forget scheduled dates?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I hear you @Mari

No words of wisdom. Just yup! It sucks big time! Go get a punching bag. Hurts less than a door or wall.

 

[FireSign8]

It takes time & a lot of planning to get away from this type of stress. I found that notes posted everywhere help me to get things done that need doing. In the future, you might give this a try. Until then, just take a breath & let the cards fall where they may. If the court stuff goes well, that's good. But if the court stuff goes not so well, chalk it up to a life experience & if there is a next time, you will most likely be able to do things differently & in a more beneficial way for your needs. Hope shit goes better for you.

 

[Mari]

This is the first year in my adult working life that I have forgotten to show up somewhere. It is so em...

I really don't. I have friends here, but... I dunno.... none I would feel comfortable asking for that kind of help. I feel sad, too, because I really do wish I had a partner that could help me.

 

[Mari]

I hear you @Mari

No words of wisdom. Just yup! It sucks big time! Go get a pu...

:-) Yes, thank you. So, I'm crying about it now, but maybe that's ok. I can't cry most of the time about anything, and I really need to.

 

[Mari]

It takes time & a lot of planning to get away from this type of stress. I found that notes posted ev...

Thank you, yes. After the yelling in fear and shame last night I realized I can only do what I can do. Try to fix it today and go in to see my attorney on Monday. I'm just so embarrassed and afraid. You know, the dissociating itself feels like it's triggering sometimes. I know I had to check out in the past in order to cope with the unthinkable, but in those moments I was also more vulnerable to danger because I could not protect myself. And so the dissociating makes it worse, you know? I panic because I can feel myself going away and I absolutely cannot afford to.

I know only I can fix this. I have to put more faith in the techniques I've been taught to be more present. I need to offload the shame.

 

[FireSign8]

Thank you, yes. After the yelling in fear and shame last night I realized I can only do what I can do. Try...

I remember reading somewhere in a book many years ago of ideas for letting go of negative emotions. I tried it & it really seemed to work for me. It completely slipped my memory until I read what you said about having shame. It goes like this... Take a sheet of paper & jot down anything that pops into your mind that is negative. Then cut those negative statements into smaller pieces (you can tear them too) & burn them one by one over the flame of a candle or throw them into a firepit or fireplace if you have one & it's a way of "letting go" of some of the bad stuff that so many of us seem to have stored up in our minds over our many years of suffering & abuse by caregivers & other people. It worked to ease my mind & lessened my stress& hate towards myself & those who wronged me.:hug:

 

[Muted]

You know, the dissociating itself feels like it's triggering sometimes. I know I had to check out in the past in order to cope with the unthinkable, but in those moments I was also more vulnerable to danger because I could not protect myself. And so the dissociating makes it worse, you know? I panic because I can feel myself going away and I absolutely cannot afford to.

Right, but in order not to disassociate you have to deal with the grief and the pain. It doesn't work to do that alone without a safe environment, especially when your flooded with everything at once. And then when it triggers other people...things start spiraling so fast and a person can only hang on for so long.

Idk....this really sucks. I guess I really don't have any answers. Sorry, I'm not any help.

 

[Mari]

Right, but in order not to disassociate you have to deal with the grief and the pain. It doesn't work t...

No, you are a tremendous help. It's very helpful knowing that my experience is normal and understood. It means a lot to be able to express my fear and anger and shame and be accepted anyway.

 

[Muted]

It means a lot to be able to express my fear and anger and shame and be accepted anyway

I'm so glad, because I so feel your pain right now. It can feel so hopeless like a catch22 and no way out of the cycle. But, your not alone in how you feel. Hang in there. I hope things go well, I will say a prayer. Please keep us posted.