Dissociation Or Depersonalization?

[-WillNotBeTelevised-]

I've been going to therapy for PTSD for a brief period so the lingo is pretty new to me. My T has told during our last session that have tendency to dissociate and not even realize it. My T mentioned too that CSA survivors tend to pick up dissociation skills more faster than more already mature SA survivors. After the events of my last few T session I've being jumping through hoops to go out of my way to isolate myself. I am alone at home majority of the week so my mom asked if I wanted to go to Walmart. Which I'm like sure its better than suffocation in the house and not having interactions with other people I don't know. With her rhetoric and reassurance that I could do this I went with it joining their shopping excursion. Everything started getting strange when I walked over to the health and beauty section. Someone's child was randomly screaming very frantic like it sounded as if they were in danger. I quickly j froze my heart rate went up, started to perspire, and wanted to leave. Something in my mind kept muttering to me "He's here and you know it. Get out of there". My eyesight started tunneling once walking through the automatic doors. Everything outside was vibrant in this almost glow like dreamscape. I started not feeling like I was really there it felt like my mind was just in this state of confusion as to if thing around me were actually going on. It was floatly and I really don't remember much at all only bits till I reached a certain interception by the video store I used to rent from. I started to feel a little bit more real around this time I realize how mental I sound I'm still coming to grips that Ive been doing this most of my life. I looked at my phone an I have been wondering for a 3 hours walking 7 miles. I my head keep throbbing almost like a sinus headache. I continued to walk down the street till it got familiar picking up a stick alone the way for protection. Once I reached the house I downed a bottle water, changed, and plopped on my bed to get some rest. Not sure how much time passed between then and now.but I ended up in shower with my clothes on tap on cold. I really fell loopy. My phone is somehow on military time, my keys weren't in the pocket I put them in before leaving the house, and I can't remember anything from my walk. From what my mother and sister said they drove past yelling at me multiple times which I don't remember anything. I didn't feel like myself honestly I could see me, but I didn't feel like me if that makes any sense beyond nonsense. I really don't talk about this stuff because most people either shut down, freak our, or act overly sympathetic which creeps me out. I just really lost looking right now and Im for some insight on this been trying to figure this out for 16 years now with no one explain anything.

 

[hodge]

I'm glad you're going to therapy. I've had experiences similar to yours. It is very scary, feeling unreal and not really remembering everything. I'm glad you have your mother and sister looking out for you. If you go outside in that state you are making yourself very vulnerable, and I hope you can find another thing to do. A stick is not much protection.

 

[-WillNotBeTelevised-]

My sister and mother try their best to be a proponent support system. I do have trouble talking to them about it because I don't want to burden them. They have so much on thier plate already I'm just a inconvenince to them. What do you do to bring yourself out of it or is that even possible? I remember my T saying something about grounding we didn't get a chance to go deep into it. I'm sorry f posting this I probably should have searched the forum for info. I feel like I'm really selfish for this. I apologize

 

[hodge]

No, you are not being selfish, you are just trying to get help for yourself, which we are all trying to do. I just try to tell myself that this is just a flashback. I'm here now and I'm safe. I usually can't do that until the flashback is over, though. But it's still something. Yes, do search the forum, there's lots on here. Though it can be daunting, I know. Best thing will be for you to go into this with your T. Good luck!

 

[gone]

I tend to dissociate in stores and big stores are almost a guarantee.

You're not being selfish. Don't worry.

Your T should teach you some grounding techniques pronto. Don't be afraid to ask. It takes practise and so there's no time like the present to begin.

Grounding is basically about getting your body physically into the present time, and then theoretically your mind will come with it. At least that's how I think of it.

A few options for now (which work with varying degrees of effectiveness for me, hopefully one or another will click for you):

1) Name all the objects in the room or space around you, out loud if you feel safe to do that.
2) Sit down and feel your body in the seated position, everywhere it's connected to something solid, like feet on the floor, butt in the seat, etc.
3) Toss something back and forth between your hands.

Good luck. WillNotBeTelevised-.

 

[-WillNotBeTelevised-]

Yeah I don't know why I didn't google search it. this is how I found the forum I did so and found that its almost like what I learned from DBT to come back to the moment. I'm going to see if I can get some rest tonight not like others thanks both @hodge and @gone I really appreciate the feedback. I need to look more into this maybe if I research it more I can learn how to cope better. Hope you both had a good Saturday :)

 

[hodge]

Gone had some good tips. I hope they are useful for you until your next session. I also hope you can get some rest tonight.

 

[-WillNotBeTelevised-]

Decided to check myself into the hospital it started getting worst + idiations so it feels best thanks so much though you both were great

 

[gone]

Glad you're taking care of yourself, WNBT. Hope things get dialed back for you soon.

 

[-WillNotBeTelevised-]

They'e starting to look up just glad to be out I learned some new techniques to calm my anxiety, so thats the silver lining.

 

[_demolition.lovers_]

This sounds like some depersonalization and dissociation