Dissociative Disorder?

[driftaway]

I'm sorry if this has been asked before. I am so early in my journey and you guys have such rich experience to share- thank you all for being here.
Anyway, I'm wondering about the way my memories work. Sometimes I have flashbacks and it's really not happening to me... Im hiding in the corner (I feel myself curled up and kind of not present) watching it happen to this little girl. I'm frozen. Then there's other times it happens where I'm in my body and my abuser is assaulting me. It just depends...but the viewpoint never changes...if he is doing x to me I know I'm in my body but when he does y, I know I'm not. It's just strange.

Another thing I wonder about is how hard it is for me to recall things. On Friday night I remember being suicidal but I can barely remember why or what I did. It's like I'm living as someone else- that's how distant I feel from the person I was Friday

To say the least this stuff is terrifying because the more I hang out here the more I realize how much ptsd overlaps with dissociative disorder and I question the extent of my own knowledge and understanding about my own dissociation.

I've also had times where I know I was derelizing/depersonalizing- like looking in the mirror and having no idea who it is or calmly watching from the other side of a mirror as my other self had a flashback. Or being in a room and feeling just WEIRD because there's a specific object that doesn't belong there and then suddenly I'm somewhere else?
Wow to type it all out I feel like I'm nuts. Can anyone relate?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I spent several years of my life mainly dissocaited.

The main thing by which I know I am strongly dissociating is that I blackout

 

[Ronin]

Not nuts & makes sense & I betcha you'll have people relating like all across the board.

What's your main question, if I may ask? Simply if that makes sense to people, and/or is relatable?
Or if it's a disorder on its own? May be, may not be, 'just' from the description of it sounded like fairly trauma typical, you'd have to consult a qualified diagnostician to say if it's a separate disorder or typical for the one you're here for. ;)

 

[mary1979]

I always thought there was a disassociating aspect to my personality until I came here and learned that my experience of it compared to the majority here is not the same so now not so sure.

I can do what I classified as disassociating for years at a time.
Basically for me its just the instance of not feeling anything for either myself or anyone.
My emotions switch off.

But I've never blacked out or done anything I didn't remember and my rages are usually when I feel too much, not nothing.

So now I dont know wtf that is lol

I can relate though, to what you explained about feeling like a third party for some of your abuse and not others.

 

[Zanshin]

Sounds typical to some of my flashbacks, also. Some are right in my face point-of-view memory, some are like watching a (really bad) TV show from outside my body but I can't turn the channel.

 

[Ronin]

compared to the majority here

Everyone experiences (and then describes experience, not the same thing) things differently.

My emotions switch off.

IS dissociation. (Any disconnect between perception and awareness of it and/or affect.)

 

[Sideways]

With ptsd, various states of dissociation is really common. And since it's a spectrum, you can dissociate to different levels at different times.

To make it nice and confusing, dodgey memory is also really common with ptsd and depression.

I have DID and a terrible memory. So a lot of the time, if I can't remember yesterday or a conversation I've just had, it could be I was dissociated, or it could be I just don't remember. Very unhelpful!

 

[Ronin]

it could be I was dissociated, or it could be I just don't remember.

Or I don't remember, because someone else was dissociated and doesn't remember. :confused::D

Totally not helping the matters, indeed.

 

[Friday]

I always thought there was a disassociating aspect to my personality until I came here and learned that my experience of it compared to the majority here is not the same so now not so sure.

Disassociation is a very wide spectrum. It took me awhile when I first came here to sort it... As within that very wide spectrum? I've come to find I have my own personal spectrum. Actually, I have several. Each piece tends to have its own little spectrum of what I do. Some of its PTSD. Some of its ADHD. Some of it is IDFK ;) But it's all disassociation.

It took awhile for me to wrap my mind around all the moving pieces of it. First I figured out all my own pieces... Then I overlaid my own personal spectrum(s) over the spectrum itself, to sort of see where things fit. It has been useful to me. IDK if that would be useful for anyone else to do, but for myself I really have to visualize a thing in order to grok it. And to visualize it, I need to see the thing itself, and then see it in relation to what else is around.

I can do what I classified as disassociating for years at a time.
Basically for me its just the instance of not feeling anything for either myself or anyone.
My emotions switch off.

Yep. That's one of mine.

Distant // Muted // Numb // Dead Inside // Cold&Hard // EmotionFreeZone 'PathUp

^^^
My personal spectrum of losing my emotions, as I visualize it ATM.

Until recently, being in an EmotionFreeZone had nearly always been for years at a time. Fairly recently I've learned I can have shorter bouts of it, which is nice. Because losing my emotions terrified me (when I did have them) as it was sooooo much work to get them back. :wtf: If I even wanted them back (and most of the time I didn't). Life is easier without emotions. I've come to learn, however, that it's a gear I can consciously shift out of, if not shift into, yet.

Emotions. Sigh. Such tricky bastards.

 

[mary1979]

Disassociation is a very wide spectrum. It took me awhile when I first came here to sort it... As wi...

I've always preferred myself Switched off. I am much more logical, straight forward and clearer thinking in that state.

When I'm switched on, every damned emotion quickly turns to anger.
And I mean quite literally, I can even turn a happy feeling into anger if you give me enough time, but the more unsteady emotions, fear and pain, flick a switch and I'm seething.
I'm no longer violent nor do I yell, but mate, the shit that comes out of this mouth when I'm wild, would make a biker cringe and send a normal person into hysterics. I go for the jugular, especially when I feel slighted, I'm really ashamed of me when I'm in feeling mode.


Switched off me is much nicer, but unfortunately that version of me upsets my husband almost as much as jugular striking mole does because I'm so cold like that.

I dont think I have alters like many here describe, but the two sides of me, are polar opposites.

I think I should do as you did though Friday, and try to find some way to gauge myself on the spectrum...

Talking it out here helps me process better, actually I've just said more in those few sentences than I've allowed myself to Think, in weeks. Hmmmm...

 

[Friday]

Another thing I wonder about is how hard it is for me to recall things. On Friday night I remember being suicidal but I can barely remember why or what I did. It's like I'm living as someone else- that's how distant I feel from the person I was Friday

One reason I've started journaling is to do an end run around this.

My memory issues come from several different places, but making a diary has been hugely helpful in both reminding myself "What/why/who/where/when/how???" Was going on yesterday, last month, a year ago... As well as to start seeing patterns I'm either in or cycling through.

I've always sucked at diaries. Bad. But they've become very, very useful in dealing with both PTSD & disassociation. Memory & my own motivations, being only 2 reasons why!

 

[katz]

I'm sorry if this has been asked before. I am so early in my journey and you guys have such rich experien...

Hi, Lillie
I do the same thing, so you're not alone. I have most of my memories from the 3rd person. I have a pretty good idea of what happened because I was floating up by the ceiling! I know that this may sound weird, but it is completely normal. (I read quite a bit on the natural defenses of the mind and emotions) When your mind is protecting itself, it can do lots of amazing things. We all try to survive. Our minds and bodies are "programed" to help us stay alive. Even if it means "stepping out" or disassociating.

I run into the problem that I can't remember my memories from the 1st person. I learned from a very young age how to disassociate. It has really turned out to be a problem for my therapy, even now, as an adult. (Although it has helped me to remember the "wheres' and the "whos" of each situation from so long ago)

As the years have gone on, I have learned to "anchor" myself. It really helped me when I would feel a certain "feeling". I would look around the room to find the reason for the feeling. Sometimes I find it and sometimes not. It could be as little as a smell or a color. Sometimes it just goes away as suddenly as it appeared. I am able to feel it starting up and I usually find a place to sit, so I won't hurt myself.
Then, while I look for the trigger, I am constantly saying to myself, "you're ok. It was all in the past. You're going to be alright. They/he can't hurt you anymore. You're a grown-up now. it's all over."
This helps me keep my bearings on the fact that it is the present and not a repeat of the past.