DID Dissociative identity - creating alters for other people

[Upside Down Eagle]

This might be complicated to follow - and then maybe again it won´t be at all. It´s quite confusing for me and something I´ve been trying to understand for years. For those who are up to it, I would appreciate your thoughs and your input.

I talked about this before. I have a habit of projecting "real identity" unto inanimate objects (like stuffed animals) and pictures of people. Before, whenever I talked about it, I would think of it as a harmless thing. But I´m noticing an overlap between this tendency of mine and extremely intense dissociative episodes.

I don´t know if I have DID but I do have a strong dissociative personality that has a tendency to "fabricate" a new (illusory) personality for people or inanimate objects (when I was a kid, it was always stuffed animals or toys and it was mostly benevolent). But as an adult I have done this "to" other people (not placing blame).

In that sense you could say I create an extra personality for the person in question. I´ll call this an alter. Maybe it isn´t but I want to give it a name. Sometimes I do this consciously (in the case where I want to fabricate an "imaginary friend" alter for someone I know (whom I am usually overly attached to).

But most times I do this unconsciously when somebody activates a trigger in my mind by crossing my boundaries, in a way that I feel powerless and makes me fly back in time to the mental age of four years. In this case the alter always becomes destructive, wants to harm me, or wants me to auto-destruct.

I identify with these destructive alters so much that I will feel that my own identity has been usurped by them or temporarily stowed away somewhere in the HDD of my mind. I also identify with the constructive alters, by giving them certain qualities that I want to achieve, them being "more powerful than me" by definition.

In either case, when it concerns the actual person (so not my projection of them), I often become entirely unaware of my own identity, and lose my self in thoughts of them (how are they feeling, what are they thinking, what do they think of me, why do they behave this or that way, why do they hate me, etc).

This combination of losing my own sense of self, combined with identification of my self to the (illusory) alter that I created of someone else, means that I lose an idea of a "boundary" between my own identity and the identity of the other person, and most often when I fight it, "they" will get more intrusive and gain more control.

All this being said, I am convinced that my imaginary duplicating of people is not beneficial or benevolent even though it might have seemed so at first. Even when I create a benevolent duplicate of someone, they have complete access to my mind, can usurp my identity at will, and can become "evil" when I start to feel like their victim.

Huge story. Really just trying to comprehend myself and trying to put a stop to this.
I decided to try and stop talking to one of these imaginary alters I had created. The alter recently became threathening and intrusive. I want to take away power from them and going back to who I am.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it has overlap with DID and maybe similar solutions?
I very much want to understand this. As far as I know I have combined my extremely vivid imagination (as a kid) with a fragmentation of my identity (which I then learned to project outwards).

Thanks for reading.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hmm, so these things that you "create", I'm quite confused.

Are they replicas of other people, or let's say "people pleasing" alters made to be perfect for those people?

It both is an isn't complicated to follow. My experiences with alters always include me having a blackout, so no memory of what happened then. But from what you wrote, it seems like they are almost an outside thing that you can interact with, something like an imaginary friend?

There are some overlaps with DID, yes, but depending on your answers to the questions I asked, might have more overlaps with schizophrenia and similar disorders.

Could you maybe describe an episode of this, might clear up a little.

I hope that any of this helps, :hug:s and good luck!

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Hey Saelben,

They´re replicas of other people. I re-create their identity in my head.
For example I´ve been talking to a picture of this one dude for years. The personality he has acquired (that I assigned to him) over the years, has nothing to do with his actual personality. It is a personality that caters to my needs specifically and that is a kind of father-figure (protective & listening). But some of these duplicates I create are "evil".

It both is an isn't complicated to follow. My experiences with alters always include me having a blackout, so no memory of what happened then. But from what you wrote, it seems like they are almost an outside thing that you can interact with, something like an imaginary friend?

They are an outside thing that I interact with but they have the potential of taking over my identity, so they can be my imaginary friend or my imaginary enemy. However to me they feel very real, and in those moments of dissociation I´m sometimes uncapable of remembering that I "created" them.

PS. I never blackout though. I still remember everything that happens in the episode, when it happens. For example the ones were they have told me that I should end my life.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Oh, interesting. Isn't that sort of common?

Like, religious people talk to their God, or people talking to imaginary friends and similar? But when you are talking to a a wardrobe, you are supposedly wierd?

Though, if those harm you, then they are something that needs to be dealt with. :hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I think it´s a form of dissociation. I´ve learned to not be "with myself".

So instead I am constantly creating outward projections that I can identify with (positively or negatively), rather than being present in this moment as Me. I am in fact handing over my "awareness" of myself and my feeling of being in control to something external (but illusory).

I am not sure if religious people also dissociate from their selves by talking to God. I think rather they are still aware of themselves while they are talking to God. Much like how it would be if I was talking to one of my friends. Not entirely sure though because I do not relate to God that way :)

 

[Sideways]

@Radise
I have DID as well as borderline traits, and sometimes it can be impossible to tell the difference (if that helps).

Sometimes, though, we just come up with new ways to cope, including ways to distance ourselves from the world and other people because the emotions are too intense...Of course, coping strategies can be weird, and often get out of hand and start creating more problems than they solve.

Sorry to here it's utter confusion. Hopefully with some grounding things will normalise a bit for you:)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Radise
Hmm, so if I got it right now, you get to the point of interacting with an object, and seeing it as someone else, personificating it. But it also completely occupies your concious so you are lost and talking to this Jack the Door Mat, without being aware of yourself at all?

 

[shimmerz]

I remember talking to a friend on the board here who recalls actually 'bonding' with her dog. Like an attachment thing. Because there was nobody in her family to attach to. I wonder if it is an attachment thing? Does that resonate at all? Attaching to inanimate objects is MUCH safer than.... well, some of the other options when one is abused throughout their developmental years.

I attach indiscriminately to people, that is my MO, but also to my teddy bear. I felt like she and I were one and I protected her because I couldn't protect me. Same with dogs and cats in various foster homes. There were many notes about this in my CAS documentation while in foster care.

I also recall while I used to go catatonic, if there was somebody in the room with me, because (I think) I knew I was totally helpless physically, that I would literally feel a merging of souls (if you wish, or whatever other words you may want to assign to that). I felt like I could feel them more than I could feel me.

I am pretty sure that must have been how it felt when I was so young and being sadistically abused (hmmm, first time I have ever admitted to the sadistic part). I mean really, in order to live the brain literally has to program itself to anticipate every single move the abuser will make.

Not sure if this touches on anything or not @Radise , but this is what came to mind when I read it.

 

[Chava]

recalls actually 'bonding' with her dog. Like an attachment thing. Because there was nobody in her family to attach to. I wonder if it is an attachment thing? Does that resonate at all? Attaching to inanimate objects is MUCH safer than.... well,

This makes sense to me (though let's clarify that a dog is not a thing, but a fabulous being to attach to!). :hug: (insert me hugging dog emoticon) I've always had an easier time connecting to animals, as well as strong attachments to gadgets and objects, but I often associate them with safety or spiritual aspects. Like I feel a little autism spectrum, though for me it really is more explained by the developmental aspects of my overall trauma. But this isn't all bad. Like @Saelben suggested, there is a point where my quirks are not far from what religious people do (not calling religious people quirky, btw).

I do have different parts of myself but don't care to label them, just integrate them better. It helps me to work with images. So I wonder what your images do for you...if an attachment thing, like @shimmerz wonders, or filling some other gap. ? I think it's helpful that you are aware and curious about it, especially if this habit is sometimes unhelpful. In the past I have very well sabotaged my finances through my need to have certain protective objects, or imbuing them with qualities I could not find in myself. Now I'm still doing that, but with more awareness (so less gutting my checking account, using my objects more intentionally). For example, I'm kind of into gemstones lately. I don't care about what anyone says about the mystical healing aspects...I actually find certain calming properties in the colors. To me that seems very normal and helpful. So I'm more trying to actually make use of that vs my constant hoarding and collecting of new items...like try to slow down and more often connect with just one, versus buying 100 and never really connecting (this is getting off track, and quirky, I know...like I even carry my attachment/relationship problems to my objects :wacky:).

I don't know if you are religious or not, but if you could look into what you are getting from some of these "connections", I wonder if you could attribute some of this to goddesses or other things, not actual people from your past. ?? Research the world's list of goddesses, their images, and helpful attributes. ? And I think they can definitely be friends. :) They are meant to draw out those more helpful or universal parts of yourself, too. And I partly wonder if you are doing something kind of like this with your pictures, but it's not well organized and not always helpful.

I don't have DID and wouldn't know if this is related or not. I relate to being dissociative and also having fragments and different versions of self, though I don't have amnesia. Not sure if any of this relates well or is helpful. But basically, I think it's good you are aware, curious, and unless they are very destructive maybe could can learn more about yourself through looking at these connections more carefully. I also notice my quirks and compulsions do slowly transform once I become aware of them (or they at least transform slowly into something more useful).

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

@Saelben

No as an adult it´s only towards people. Meaning that I could create a duplicate personality for someone that is mostly imaginary. Then for example I can speak to a photograph of them (which is inanimate but still people, rather than jack the doormat). But I´d be speaking to the persona of them that I have created. That is to say that the persona I have created does not necessarily match at all with the actual personality of the person in question.

What I mean with not being aware is that I will not be aware of my own identity at that moment, because I am completely focused on the persona I created. I don´t know how else to explain it. When you are dissociating from yourself, you´re not aware of your identity either. You will still have one but you will not be in touch with it. So what I mean to say that for me the speaking to the picture is a way of dissociating.

I know a lot of people here are talking about beneficial personification of something (like a teddybear), but it´s specifically substituting my own sense of self by the presence of an illusory other person. The other person is illusory, first because they aren´t really there (it´s just a picture of them) and secondly because I sort of overhauled their actual personality and imagined a whole new one for them.

There exists a displacement of my awareness of my own individual personality. If you talk to your teddybear, I don´t assume that they will acquire a whole personality of their own which can then invade your own personality, so that your own personality seems to dissappear (a bit like a lunar eclipse - the moon is still there but you can´t see it because there is a shadow overtaking it).

I specifically thought of DID because of that. There´s nothing unusual about just talking to your teddybear or your cat, or even God. But in my case I feel like I am specifically dissocating by doing that. It´s just a different way of dissociating and a dangerous one, because I hand over control of my "self" to a personality that I have imagined. In that sense it could be seen as an alter. These "external" personalities can become very dark and violent.

@Chava and @shimmerz

I´ll take the example of this Wizard guy (some guy I had a huge attachment issue to). I grew incredibly attached to him because he approached me with the air of a protective parent and I fell into that trap (he did not set that trap on purpose, but it was a trap nevertheless, for me). His "real" personality moved on when things didn´t work out between us and I felt so abandoned by the guy that it caused me to self harm. This was three years ago.

His "imagined personality" however continued to be there for me but sometimes I also got really angry at the imagined personality. He never turned "evil" in the sense of taking over my sense of identity. Until last week. I went to visit him and I was reminded of the breach between his real persona and the one I had created. I felt victimized by his real persona for abandoning me, and *poof* the trigger in my head went off, and his "imagined personality" turned evil.

Meaning that I wanted him out of my head and I wanted to return to my sense of Self but my whole sense of self had been overshadowed by his imagined personality. Which illustrates my point that while it may seem benevolent, it isn´t. As I have said in some cases they acquired voices of their own and told me to kill myself. I want nothing to do with it and I´m angry at myself that this is happening and angry that I can´t explain it better.

I want to return to just being me.
I don´t need to take distance from my own personality by constantly being engaged by illusory ones. I´m so f#cking tired of it.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

PS

I don´t usually have a strong emotional reaction to anything I talk about on here. I´m noticing that it´s a very touchy subject for me and I get angry quick. It has nothing to do with you guys though (the anger). I appreciate you guys helping me out. :hug: If I seem snippy on anything don´t be scared to call me out haha. But I will try not to let the anger interfere with it too much.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@Radise
Thank you for the wider explaination, a lot to learn here. :hug:

Now, did I get this right? Does the projected personality take over your own, like, controls your actions?