DID Dissociative identity disorder internal rules and emotions

[Leigh925]

Yes! Yes! Yes! I often feel like I am not allowed to tell.....on myself or I will be In trouble with the one part that kind of gets to decide what information comes and goes. In the beginning the other parts couldn't even express themselves in ways that had nothing to with the trauma but we were not allowed to be caught. No one else could know about other parts.

However as I have allowed those other parts to express themselves about other things....food I like, clothes I want to wear or music I like to listen to etc....those parts have started to push back against the part that never allowed it....which caused a lot of confusion, fear and turmoil in the beginning.....now they see that she doesn't know it all and she doesn't have to be always in charge...but when it comes to trauma I often find myself back to that state of confusion when trying to talk to my therapist and leaving in that same dizzy and dissociated way you describe.

I am so sorry you are dealing with that. If I am truly honest though I have to say that I found comfort reading your post because it helps me feel not so alone. You put into words what I often feel but can't seem to describe in a way that others could understand.

I do find hope that my part that is so controlling seems to be more and more open. I guess it will be just a slow slow process for me.

Hope you are feeling better soon!

I just noticed the date and saw that this is an old post. Just wondering how things are working out for you @JEKBreatheandBelieve how is your protector part doing now?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I liked reading your comments @Leigh925 . I am still in the midst of figuring things out with communicating with my parts, but things have shifted some. The fact is that in late December a "new" part (one I hadn't really met before) was triggered, which triggered stronger reactions in other parts and in January caused me to inadvertently link a flashback to an abuser. That sent me spinning because I wasn't able to do anything about it.

I ended up back in the inpatient facility I went to last summer. I worked through a lot of stuff there. My parts and I tried new ways of communicating and are experimenting with new ways to help rule-driven/emotionally-overloaded parts. It's been really helpful overall, but it's still a process. I think in the beginning it is a slow process (and the beginning can take more than a year, because it's that slow), buy communicating in a way and at a speed that feels most comfortable for most parts, is really helping. I still get stuck when talking to my therapist, but it's gotten better.

My protector part mentioned in the original part has made a lot of progress in considering what information comes out and how to best operate with other parts- the with others is much newer.

 

[Powder]

When I start divulging what parts feel, or even admitting they are there, I actually feel my protector choking me until I can't speak. :(

Even on the forum. It's happening now.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Muse , thank you for sharing your experience, but I am sorry that you experience that feeling even while reaching out. I have a part that won't let me speak sometimes, different part than the one that I missed above. I literally can't speak no matter how hard I try. No choking feeling though.

 

[Me Plus Three]

I too experience moments like this where everything builds up so intensely at such an alarming rate that one of my alters shuts everything down or literally explodes in anger at the thought of the memory or... I think they're memories. Some of them I just sit back and say, "did that really happen or was I dreaming?" but the emotions tell me it's real. It's so very confusing and painful especially considering I am not in therapy.
I started a journal for my alters which seems to help a bit but mine are very vocal at times except Olly who is 6 and holds alot of the younger childhood memories I apparently am not allowed to access. But I do find that the journal does help sometimes and mostly in good ways, like they can express what they're bottling up inside.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

But I do find that the journal does help sometimes and mostly in good ways, like they can express what they're bottling up inside.

I have a journal for my parts as well. Sometimes they journal alone and sometimes we journal together. It helps overall.

 

[Leigh925]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve I think the journaling is a good idea. In going to try that. I used to email therapist my thoughts before every session but as I have progressed and built more trust with him I haven't needed to do that but just now reading what you wrote.... I think I miss sorting my thoughts out in written word.

I have read this thread a couple of times and I have a question that I feel goes along with the topic. I normally don't post or ask questions but I have therapy tomorrow and this had really been on my mind since I read this post. I don't mean to hijack this post.

So I do have my protector part and she has progressed a lot and finally allowed the others space to express themselves....most of the time. But I do have these waves of feelings that there are things that the other parts can't talk about or she will be mad. I feel like she is still holding on to some big secret.....except I feel like I have told my therapist on my secrets. There are more incidences of the same stuff or I'm going to detail about every single little thing but I'm not hiding anything else.

I know this sounds confusing or crazy but my question is....could that part be hiding something that the rest of us don't know.

Had anyone had parts....that once they started communicating and seemingly were open and aware of each other....that still kept certain Information secret.

Or

Is it possible that..that part of me is unaware that the others have already told everything and still thinks there are secrets when there are none?

It's so confusing because even though I trust my therapist and he is completely understanding… I still feel like there are certain questions that only somebody else who has experienced this can understand.

Ok I am going to hurry and click post before I change my mind. Hopefully it makes sense. If I re-read it I will be tempted to delete it.

 

[Powder]

@Leigh925 I feel so similar to that. Wondering...

Is it possible that..that part of me is unaware that the others have already told everything and still thinks there are secrets when there are none?

Fortunately/unfortunately more memories keep surfacing, so I do feel that there might always be more. Not sure if the system allows any kind of "full disclosure."

To me it feels like this. I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 21 years, and we share A LOT. But it's not attainable to share EVERYTHING. Boundaries, hello!

I think with a parts system, it's the same. There can be more trust and listening, but it would not feel normal to share it all.

 

[Sideways]

@Leigh925 - I think that yes, there's always the chance that there's stuff that hasn't been shared yet.

One of the things that I also like to keep in mind is that some of the stuff, particularly from the older parts, shouldn't necessarily be shared with the littles. I know that one of my older parts in particular has stuff that would only serve to make my littles frightened and confused. Sometimes, I think it's a bit like TV ratings - some memories are appropriate to share with the littles, while some of the memories are really best kept as adults-only viewing.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Muse, those are interesting thoughts about there being more trust and listening but it would not feel normal to share it all. I shall have to ponder that.

 

[Leigh925]

Fortunately/unfortunately more memories keep surfacing, so I do feel that there might always be more. Not sure if the system allows any kind of "full disclosure."

Thanks for responding. I think you may be right. I have been married 26 years. Although I don't feel this "feeling" in my relationship with my husband....only with my therapist...as it pertains to the work I am doing.

Sometimes I feel like...geez...we gotta be hitting the bottom of the barrel soon. The first year took me forever to slowly trust my therapist and reveal everything that I truly did remember and then to have memories resurface added a whole other layer. I actually don't feel like I have to talk about every single trauma or incident to heal. I will if I have to but so far we haven't operated that way with my therapy.

It just been the last week....this feeling of an impending bubbling up of something new.

 

[Leigh925]

One of the things that I also like to keep in mind is that some of the stuff, particularly from the older parts, shouldn't necessarily be shared with the littles.

That is a really good point. My protector part is actually little. 9 years old. Which may not make sense but I was the oldest of five kids. My mom left when the baby was still in diapers. My father is a narcissist. I took care of my siblings and I protected them at that age until my father remarried when I was 16. My brothers still give me mother's day cards to this day which is super sweet. So on some levels I always felt like it should have been one of the older parts to be the one in charge(like I had a choice) but it wasnt. It was her. Although with the kind of abuse she endured I would say she is much more street wise than most 9 year olds. But she is definitely the dictator of what information goes in or out.

I don't know maybe she is just getting ready to do it herself instead of giving every one else permission to talk...maybe it is just that and nothing new.