DID Dissociative indentity disorder

[Deleted member 28403]

So, past few weeks, I've actually been coming into understanding more of what is up with me, and how my personalities work, I've started to even be able to recognize them, and sense their presence. I figured out it wasn't just two, as I thought before when I only knew if there was memory of something or not.

I came to splitting them and categorizing them, and I plan to learn more about me, and notice them more. I don't have a specific pronoun or anything, they are simply me, split into different pieces. With some fundamentals still same, but many things completely different.

Any information, advice or feedback would be appriciated.

So, here is a bit of a go on categorizing my personalities/states.

Spoiler: Personalities

Spoiler: Hidden

The set of personalities whose actions I don't remember in the slightest, and can not recall it. Simply a blackout in my memory. Currently found 2, the fight and flight responses.

Spoiler: The violent guardian (Fight response)

The personality that kicks in as the fight response to certain triggers, leading to me fighting to protect myself, in case there is a real danger, or simply attacking whoever is the cause of the trigger. It's a personality that I don't know thoughts of or what exactly leads to it's activation. It's violent and will attack whoever it sees as the threat, but ussually not innocents, only the person that triggered, and the triggers that lead to this personality rising are something that arises as physical threat (e.g. a person spitting at me led to me attacking that person, or so I was told).

Spoiler: The punchbag (Flight response)

The personality that now doesn't appear as often, but during the trauma was the one that was there most of the time I was in a bad situation. It's generally a punchbag, just a thing that appears when something bad is happening, and takes over control. But it just suffers. It doesn't do anything, doesn't react in any way. It can activate for really short period, even just a few minutes, and I have been working on regaining memories from this personality, but still no success. Though for some memory bits I managed to regain everything around the exact blackout spot. About 90% of trauma was in that state, and that is the reason I can't remember most trauma (e.g. I was at school, some kids began making fun of me... *blackout* ...I am suddenly standing a few meters from the last location, completely confused... They mock me more after I couldn't answer to the question about what did they do to me, and say I'm the dumb kid that doesn't remember stuff.)

Spoiler: Shown

These are the personalities which swap out often without anyone noticing during the day, depending on situation, but are still often quite different. They are categorized by roles or emotions they come into, and often don't make any sense. Other than the main one, which can sense all, the other's are generally unaware of others existing, and aren't bothered by it. I can think of them only when in the main state (The unknown).

Spoiler: The main one (The unknown)

An unique personality, differen than the others in many things, the main one, and the one that is almost always there as a background proccess. This is a personality that often seems emotionless, because of how much it's just an analyzer. It's the only personality that is aware of other personalities existing actively. It's the only one that can grab their answer and in a way almost actively communicate with the others. It's not all too stable, and always has a kind of depressed tone to it, the one that shows the strongest reaction to different fears I have. Prone to completely freak out during stress, but able to perfectly analyze when in a calm environment. It isn't one that brings much decisions, but it's the one during which I can end up talking as two separate personalities. (It's the only personality that supports another of the personalities speaking, though not as actively as when that personality is the active one, but more of a discussion or a spoken bunch of thoughts. Basically, it's the only one that when in control of the body, allows for other ones to give their vote, but generaly not more than one other, and it's not paired always.) It's also a personality that can perfectly analyze the purpose, the urge, or the need that drives other personalities, but cannot see it's own purpose. It sees no reason for itself, and sees itself as purposeless. Makes no sense to itself, a personality that lacks a sense of self.

Spoiler: The failure complex

The personality that simply works as a beam scale for the sense of self worth. The one that is constantly afraid of being not good enough, and is extremely emotionally impulsive, jumping from extreme sadness and feeling of unease to extreme euphoria in a matter of seconds. It makes no sense to the outside world often, and came seem as multiple ones. It's a reactive personality. The one that appears there after something really good happens or really bad happens and has a reaction to that. If something good happens, it can go up to laughing out loud crazily in a public place, from levels of sudden disproportial euphoria, while in sadness it can completely fall down, to shaking, self-harming something... That doesn't quite function as anything. (Except, a bit of humour to life the mood, salt or pepper shaker.) It overreacts to a lot of things, but it doesn't appear on really small thing, just medium or large things. And then it completely overreacts to them, and at that point, when the personality is put into the tracks, the small things can have extreme effects also.

Spoiler: The active flight response

This one is, unlike the flight response personality among the hidden ones, an active, shown one. And is a run away in danger response. When in a situation that is unpleasant, it can be activated and in that case I panic and often run away. It doesn't appear too often, and when it does, it's not pleasant at all. It also is a complete overreaction, but always in the negative way of panic. (e.g. me seeing someone that might or might not know me from a previous school that seems familiar, in the street, results in me turning around in place, shaking and panicking while running as fast as I can anywhere else, away from them.)

Spoiler: The depressed one

This personality appears in state of depression, dissociation, and does absolutely nothing about it. It's just a combination of empty feeling, helplessness, and a lack of will to do anything. Also self harm. The depressed personality can't stop grabbing for the skin and flesh every moment and scartching and ripping it away. It hopes that the pain will move it away from it. But just ends up covering my body in scars. It's the one that shows dermatilomania the most. And can often appear on a whim, but rarely without a previous reason, even if it was something before that just got proccessed and caused it. When it's there, I ussually just sit in place, slightly or not so slightly shaking, and self harming, feeling depersonalized, like it's not even me. And quite numb, barely sensing the pain. I don't even notice when the blood starts coering my face and hands, and it can happen anywhere. It can last for hours.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

The one I didnt manage to add, as I accidentally posted the post early, due to a misclick. So here it is, under the shown category, supposed to be at the bottom of list:

Spoiler: The act

A state, or personality. It's simply a negation of any problems, and complete enclosure of self. A suddenly ashamed one that doesn't want to be different, the one that wants to fit in. And thus, the one that tries to act normal, often failing to do so. The personality that simply negates there ever being a problem, and blurs the problems out. The personality that is completely unsure by itself and has a huge load on it's back just keeping itself functioning due to amount of fears running through it. About being discovered as different. It tries to dissaprove others when they say something bad about me, but does it in crude and clumsy ways that just make it seem wierder. It is ashamed of itself, and of all the problems the set has. It hates itself. Stresses a huge load, and can't stay active for more than an hour, as it collapses under the stress it puts onto itself. Can be quite lacking in terms of logic. But simply pushes on as it is. Till it falls down, then it suffers and switches to some other, either gives off to main, which can then keep it as a sub-personality, or just completely drops to the depressed. Feels extremely burdened at all times.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Oh mate I understand totally what you are saying, remember there are at least 5 facets to my personaliy, work hard to bring them back whole again mate, it is a long and arduous road but well worth the effort. I with you great luck in this.

 

[shimmerz]

Really great work @Saelben . Just wondering if you have noticed, if when these parts of yourself appear, do you notice any physical differences in yourself? For instance, I notice that I am shifting gears when my right foot turns in.

I find I AM switching when I rub my forehead. Just wondering if you can see or feel differences physically at all.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

@shimmerz
I noticed that when kinda communicating with the other selves, like when I was in the bus. I was always looking at my face at a 45 degree angle when saying something to it, and looking straight when being it. It's complicated to explain

Certain have physicial effect they bring, but those are simply effects specific to states. But those are things that are most related to how the personalities deal with emotions. Thus the physical effects are shaking and similar. Feeling ashamed because I was so scared of my shadow this saturday

 

[shimmerz]

I was always looking at my face at a 45 degree angle when saying something to it, and looking straight when being it. It's complicated to explain

That's the fun about hanging out with the cool kids @Saelben , you don't have to explain it because most of us live it.

Certain have physicial effect they bring, but those are simply effects specific to states.

Yes. I just used to use those in order to figure out what I was reacting to and if I wasn't aware of what state I was in. It was my 'clue' that I was slipping and what I was slipping into.

You've done some super work around this stuff! Nice job! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

The two hidden ones still bother me. I don't control them at all

 

[Digz]

I have been there and am healing but am still separated at times. It is hard, I can assure you. The best advice I could give you, which I had to learn the hard way, is try not to fight these other sides to you. It is so scary to come to terms with, but try not to get in control of them, but try to do what you have made a start doing - understanding them. It is through the understanding of them that I began being able to work with my other identities. For example, I had an angry, explosive, defensive, untrusting part of my personality that I really struggled with. She always told me how much of a loser I was, how terrible and weak I was and was very controlling. Through lots of work I finally began to understand that she was the part of me that was born in my most horrible, traumatic moment and she was the part that kept us alive - she always protected us, always fought for us and always made sure we got through, and she was still trying to protect us. When I understood that, I could begin working with her and starting to assure her there was no longer a threat. We are not completely 'integrated', but understanding one and other and healing past wounds for other parts, allows us to work together much better than ever before.
Hope that makes sense and helps at all. Everybody's journey is different of course, but if you can understand each part's motivation for being, the thoughts behind their actions, it helps to move forward.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

This post really caught my eye. As of a few days ago after reading someone else's post I've realized that university spent most of my life dissociated....
I'm wondering @Saelben, (please forgive my ignorance) are you talking about multiple personality disorder or dissociate identity disorder a whole different thing?
I'm really worried about what the h*ll is wrong with me....

 

[Deleted member 28403]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder

DID, previously known as MPD.

@imok
I can relate, half a year ago, before lots of work on recovery, I had barely any memory of anything in life, and I would often dissociate enough daily to lose memories within a few days.

 

[Digz]

@imok - it is a scary realisation. Dissociation can be really freaky, however, as you get to understand it, it at least gives you some explanation as to what you are experiencing. I remember times when I could hear myself talking in another voice, as child's voice, but I couldn't stop it no matter how hard I tried - I remember then thinking, 'what the hell is wrong with me?!'
I have such patchy memories I can't exactly create a narrative of trauma or anything, which makes it doubly hard to heal. I still dissociate a bit without knowing and forget so many conversations.
I think DID is one of the freakiest diagnoses for mental health that is so misunderstood and not something that's easy to tell people about without them looking at you like you're a freak. If I tell someone about my issues I generally just tell them I have PTSD for that reason.
From the inside, for yourself though - for healing - it is good to know what is happening with your mind and why. Even if it is scary as when you first discover it.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I read a bit about it now, and I do not have DID. I have a whole lot of dissociating, memory loss and often feelings of 'unreality' but reading the symptoms in detail I dont have it.
I'm sure my counsellor has more insight as to what's going on with me but won't disclose this to me. Or sometimes I think he sees so many layers of trauma layered on top of each other that's it's just a huge tangled ball of string that's too much work to unravel. I've stopped seeing him because I can't afford it right now.
I think certainly my personality development was messed up or halted due to living in an insane violent and threatening home.
I'm sure it is a very scary thing @Digz. I know even all the major gaps in my memory are scary enough. I can't imagine. You guys sound like you've got a grasp of what's going on and are progressing which is great. Imagine never figuring out the diagnosis therefore not being able to work on things, now that would be hell.