Distressed About Another New Memory

[Artista]

There is a EMDR thread somewhere where i asked abut experiences. I have heard various things about it. One person suggested I use it to retrieve memories... but that isn't so is it??? I thought it is more to cope with them.

 

[vallie000]

Hi, Artista. Nice to meet you!

I just posted a new thread about my EMDR experiences. Don't know if it's viewable yet. EMDR is, indeed, used to pull up memories, but only when a bit of the memory has already surfaced in the form of a triggered feeling, image, uncomfortableness, or even in a dream. EMDR does both things, bring up memories and help the coping/processing work. If each time you get a memory, you will process it as fully as possible, you won't have to have that flashback ever again. "Processing" means thoroughly looking at and feeling the particular traumatic event, and going through the stages of shock, denial, anger, depression, understanding and reframing (looking at the aspects of the event as an adult instead of a child), and lastly, acceptance.

Peace and healing to you, Artista.

 

[Artista]

Thanks for this... helps clarify it succinctly. I may discuss it with my T this week. : )

 

[vallie000]

This new memory is kicking my butt. It's been over a week and new bits of it are still coming up. I wish I had a therapist handy. I just moved and got my health plan in place yesterday, but it'll be 2 weeks before it's effective. Then I'll have to shop for a therapist who understands this junk and with whom I feel safe and comfortable. So there's no one to help now while I'm in an emergency state. Finally called a crisis help line a few days ago for the first time ever. The person who answered actually helped abate my panic and distress. I was happily surprised because reaching out has so seldom worked. I've tried dozens of times, but few people get it or are willing to deal with the yuck and fear factors of my traumas. I had so many fun plans for this week and they've all been sidelined. I'm so beat down by this memory I can't even imagine what fun or pleasure feels like.

 

[KrisMC]

Thanks for your post Vallie and can relate to a lot of what you were saying. PTSD is very much like a chronic illness. I have lupus which is a relapsing/remitting illness and is similar in that it hits you out of the blue, wrecks your life for awhile, pushes you farther from your goals. Then it goes away for awhile and you have to get up and start all over again. It is a very frustrating process.

I guess there are always limitations in life and I try and look at it that I am very lucky to still be here and have another chance at life. But it doesn't help the pain, anger and fear I experience at times. I want to let it ALL go. I thought I could and still try to run from it at times. Then I realize this is part of who I am now as a person. I don't accept what has been done to me as ok by any means, but I think I do have to intergrate my experiences in with who I have become. So I wonder if it is about acceptance and not so much of getting rid of it and letting it go. It sure won't let me go, so I try my best to accept it...all the horrifying experiences, years of trauma after trauma, the abuse, the inability to escape, the near death episodes, all of it...they are not acceptable but still are a part of my experiences and just like all the good memories in my life will forever be a part of me. Most of all, I had to learn to accept me. That I am ok as a person, perhaps beat to heck, but still valuable and very real. I have a right to feel what I feel irregardless of how others "think" I should feel. Yep, can't stand it when people tell me to just smile or get over it. It makes them uncomfortable I know, but I still have an ownership to who I am and what I need to feel when I need to feel it. It is a shame people have forced their opinions on how I should and shouldn't react to a world that is completely different than theirs. Cause now all I do is avoid people (everyone) until I am smiling again. Really has a negative bearing on my relationships as a result. I am tired of making it "go away" for them, but at least I can understand that they care and just don't want to see me hurt. Yes the whole thing feels like a catch 22. That is ok with me, it is what it is, but I am still here. I am a fighter (for better or worse) and I am going to keep right on struggling through all of this until there is no breath in me. It is who I am and why I am still here. It is all I know anymore.

I noticed the more I do struggle to get through this the longer the stretch in good days. So all in all it is worth the pursuit. I guess the goal for me is to have more good days than bad ones. To attain more good memories than bad ones. Just wish I could put my energy to better use than to do this, but I wasn't really given a choice.

Funny how people think that the trauma itself is the only horror the person faces and that once the trauma is over then the person should just be fine and go on with life like it didn't happen. They never stop to think that the trauma is just the beginning of the horror a person has to deal with and that the affects can last years if not forever. I like to think I did my fair share of "sucking it up" and getting on with life, but it never truly goes away just gets a little easier to deal with as the years fly by. It affects everything I do, every person I meet and every choice I make in this life. And even though all the docs and counselors say that I am lucky to be alive and anyone else would be institutionalized for life for going what I have gone through, it doesn't always make it all better or right in my world.

 

[KrisMC]

Not sure if this helps, but I get nausea, irritable bowel and chest pains with the flashbacks. If the flashbacks are the real bad ones then I have incontinence with them at times. I think your system goes into overdrive. I believe it was explained to me years back that the body has a nervous system response to danger/or perceived danger and the nervous system over reacts. Apparently, in my case, the central nervous system and autonomic nervous systems either over react or shut down all together as part of the flight/fight response. I am still confused by this, but that was what I was told.

 

[vallie000]

We Have a Lot in Common

Thank you very much, Kris, for your reply. I agree with you, it's like a chronic illness and I try to accept it in that way. But because this illness was caused by other people, it seems it is a little harder to have peace with than, say, cancer for example. I'm very sorry to hear about your lupus. You seem to have gotten a double whammy.

My therapists, too, marvel that I'm alive and have been as high functioning as I was before my breakdown. I, too, am a fight vs flight person, so when I remember some horrible trauma such as the one that just came up, my fight mode goes into overdrive. The intensity of the emotions is what throws me into such distress. I feel like my head's going to explode with rage. I did scream into my pillow and beat the bed a few days ago, but this was only moderately satisfying. Today I got back another piece of this rape, a second part in which I was on the verge of dying. I wish I could go through these more smoothly, but it appears that each memory must be processed as a small and terrorized child.

I, too, shrink away from people now. My life is almost completely consumed lately with recovery, and people don't want to hear about the pain and difficulties I go through, and even the progress for that matter, so I have almost nothing to talk to them about. The conversation is fine if it's all about them, but then I feel so diminished afterwards. The only place it seems I can be real is alone in my bedroom.

Nice to meet you, Kris. I hope we stay in touch.

 

[allowedtoheal]

Thank you for this thread again.

At my therapy this week another memory surfaced and I am so sad but grounding and self-soothing again around the pain of remembering. I am deciding to put it into perspective. Guess I'm looking for some hugs here. My early childhood traumas and young adult traumas are very intertwined I'm finding in this event. I know its best to do therapy and I'm lucky to have a good trauma psychologist and counsellor. I'm just a little sad and tired today. I'm pretty sure I'll feel stronger tomorrow. Also, I had some dental work yesterday.

I have done EMDR too but now do OEI, Observed & Experiential Integration. it was described to me as like a combination of EMDR, Educational Kinesiology (‘Brain Gym’), and Gendlin’s Focusing and a bit of a similarity to Dual Brain Psychology.

It is the first therapy that has made a difference for me, having tried a few others (CBT, EMDR, DBT etc) before this plus some coping mechanisms (Assertiveness Training, AACOA, Faith based solutions). OEI is a new therapy and I am really grateful it works for me. It's apparently not like any of the therapies mentioned above so it is a new therapy but as far as I understand there are quite a few therapists who use it. I don't know if you are anywhere near someone who uses this therapy but I find it a little less intense than EMDR which suits me just fine.

I just still need to do calming things after and find some really gentle things to help me not feel too sorry for myself. Chatting to others sometimes helps, hence I am here. Hope you don't mind if I use this as a place for soothing.

Thanks
PS can you tell me why I have this MERCHANDISING thingie in my post?

 

[Artista]

More new info and I feel utterly worthless! No logic is helping this. I can re-read what I'd say to another or think about what should make sense but nothing takes away how I feel and how it makes me feel. The re-living is devastating in ways I am not sure others who haven't had this, can imagine. It's been maybe over 12 hours and I can still smell things.... feel aches.... it's like being haunted.

 

[AdamAnt]

Strength to you Artista...You have to trust in the words of those who have already gone through this that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[vallie000]

So sorry, Artista, you're going through this. Yes, I know about the lingering body feelings. I often feel physically weak and limp for hours after a flashback. One therapist suggested that as a small child I discovered self-hypnosis to deal with the pain and used it as an anesthetic. I believe the constant shocks of the flashbacks have caused my current PTSD. In other words, the surfacing of the memories has resulted in the PTSD that was avoided when I was a child by memory repression. A frustrating outcome, but I'm grateful for the healing.

I wish I had a silver bullet to give you for these flashbacks, but I don't know of any. EMDR helps me, and from the information I've seen on this site, I've learned and used EFT which helps somewhat. Here's my advice to help with the flashbacks:

1. Comfort, comfort, comfort yourself in any way you can except with something addictive. Hug pillows, stuffed animals, soft blankets. Get hugs from other adults and if no one is available, hysically hug yourself.

2. Sleep, eat, play computer games (my salvation), cook, read -- anything you can to diminish the pain while the flashback's shock slowly drains away.

3. Know the trauma recovery process and let it proceed. The stages are: shock, denial, shame/self blame, despair, framing/understanding, anger, grief, forgiveness/acceptance. If you allow yourself to complete the process, you will NEVER have to repeat that particular flashback again. From my experience, if you avoid the process, you are doomed to being plagued with mounting tension, anxiety, and paralysis while your mind fights the battle of trying to suppress the process vs. healing itself by going through the process.

4. Let your brain work to help you understand the trauma and the dynamics around it. Thinking and understanding the event, circumstances, and people involved helps to move us forward through the healing process.

5. Find others who understand, this forum for example. I find it works better if I can express the pain with people face to face and get physical hugs, but finding groups or individuals to do this with is really difficult.

6. Let the anger, grief, despair, even shame come. The thing about shame is that you have to feel it first before you can release it and transfer it to whomever legitimately deserves it.

7. Lastly, know that you will be an emotionally healthier person after each flashback is processed and you will have reclaimed some of your heart and the ability to let it run free and take in love from others. I can already tell the you're able to give out plenty of love, but not being able to take it in leaves us frequently depleted and tired.

My heart is with you Artista as are the hearts of many of us in here. Be gentle with yourself, take time to love yourself and appreciate your specialness and courage.

Smiles.

 

[James B.]

Hello vallie000 - just dropping by to say thank you for your writings.

Your post on anger, it being a secondary emotion, and your advice to 'use anger well' as a vehicle for change was especially cogent to the topic; so succinct and well phrased and has really stuck in my head. It's helping me.


Best wishes vallie000, best wishes always...
James B.