Distressed About Another New Memory

[Iam]

Artista....I am right there with you. I know it's hard, but you are doing a great job. You are courageous and strong. You have been such a help to me. I wish I was there to give you a hug. When I had my panic and shame attack on Friday many of you suggested that I do something to take my mind off it. I went down to the barn and cleaned stalls. I was still somewhat panicky afterwards, but it was bearable. Maybe go to your artwork and draw, listen to some music, maybe even get your son to play for you! I know how much joy he brings you. HUGS Sweetie.

Vallie000, that was wonderful advice. Thanks for the reminder of the stages of acceptance. It's so easy to forget the process we must go thru.
'

 

[Artista]

Appreciate the replies here. It's been too overwhelming and I must just keep going with "normal" life... the kids, etc. It seems I must keep moving. Nerves. I am actually writing this in a public library while my kids are at a friend's bible school. In public I must keep functioning. Otherwise I don't want to. This flashback has churned up unthinkable things. I will copy out your list vallie and keep it with me. It's hard to focus right now.

 

[vallie000]

Artista, my prayers are with you.

 

[vallie000]

James B, you are soooo welcome. If it's not too much trouble, please post any successes you have with this under the Accomplishments & Success thread. I look at this daily for encouragement.

 

[James B.]

Artista, my thoughts are with you - so sorry you are are experiencing this. Really am. You are a shining light here. You have been so kind to me, and I really wish I could do more. Please be strong and be kind to your self. Hoping you feel better soon.

vallie000 - many of my success/accomplishments are old, and some of my current ones are I hope, signs of better thing to come - but need to give it time to see how stable current progress is.

However, am going to think about your idea, and post up. I *have* had some accomplishments. Thanks for the encouragement. Think this may be good for me.

 

[allowedtoheal]

I am so grateful for this thread. I feel like I happened upon it just in time. That feeling of working on things over and over and for years and being so consumed by therapy that I feel like I have nothing else to talk about has kind of blanketed me. It is temporary but still reading your posts give me hope. I want so much to be done with this but maybe that feeling is so intense because of this recent memory being remembered. I take a deep breath here.

My jaw and head still hurts from the dentist and sometimes the physical pain makes me feel the emotional pain or is it vice versa. Poor timing on my part to go to the dentist but who knew this memory would come up. I thought I was done with that experience.

Artista, it appears you have many pulling for you here and I would just like to add my support. I want to give out some safe hugs and I feel like I need some too.

Vallie000, I know this process you wrote above but I so appreciate the way you have made it be a list. My therapist said to me when I confessed feelings of shame: "It is his shame, not yours". I appreciated your list because after that I felt discouraged, depressed, angry and more shame. I must say it doesn't always come in a neat order but it does all come. The time it takes to process each issue, memory, flashback etc is a lot. I guess I really need to look at it like my cross to bear too. I think I have to go to the police but I am so scared to do this alone. Maybe my therapist will go with me. I feel like I want to get all dramatic at this point but really I just need to settle. I know stuff, sometimes I would just like, you know, something like a hug. Maybe I just need sleep. I have been working for a few weeks so I am extra tired too.

I'm glad this flashback is out for the most part, it just takes time to get through all the pieces. I want to believe my own words but I am feeling like how come I didn't remember the stuff that went on in this abuse. Is it called lying to myself or just denial and why shouldn't I have forgotten. It was traumatic. Back and forth I go.

Really, I am trying to see the light.

 

[vallie000]

Terrific post, Allowedtoheal.

RE: dentist concurrent with flashback. I've been saying for years, "It's hard to schedule my flashbacks for Thursday at 4p", meaning they come when they want to come, not when it's convenient for me at a therapy appointment. We have no control over when flashbacks will pop up so don't blame yourself. I've learned to approach my life as flexibly as possible and to give up on leading a scheduled life because when a flashback arrives, my life crashes for the days or even weeks it takes to work through it. I did go to work for years while new memories were coming up, but I could only manage about 20-30 hours/week with every non-work hour taken up by processing. Triggers are a little easier. I can generally get enough processing done on them in 10-15 minutes to set them aside to be finished up later.

Something to consider about going to the police: they are generally dismissive at best, hostile at worst and often further injure the survivor. Really, really get prepared before you go see them. It can be very healing to get justice though the legal system, but it is quite a process to get through. If you think your perpetrator is still perpetrating, that is an additional and strong reason to consider legal action. You definitely need to round up support and advocates. Evidence is essential. Your therapist is not evidence; medical records and testimony from witnesses or others who were abused are. Also consider whether to take criminal or civil action. Criminal requires a higher standard of evidence than civil does. A lawyer or legal aid would be a good place to start.

Lastly, the mind forgets because it does not have the resources or safety to process the trauma. Forgetting was the ONLY way you could stay alive and sane. Praise your forgetfulness.

Be patient with yourself and remember Rule #1: Never, never beat yourself up; others have done enough of that already.

 

[Artista]

Appreciation for all the supportive words and virtual hugs. Vallie000 MORE good words to read. You sound like you are on a triumphant path from this.

ATH... I am hopeful as well. I had found this forum at the recommendation of an important person, someone who's been through things too. It was important for me to find this place because certainly i would feel completely certifiably insane if not for the empathy from others who are warriors in this fight against trauma and pain we didn't ask for. If i didn't have a safe place to share and read what has been working for others, it would be beyond lonely. Sounds like you keep riding this roller coaster and I do know it isn't a quick fix but yes... the length of time to heal sometimes seems insurmountable. Like now, for me. And the dentist pain you mentioned.... I have kinda bad cramping at "that time of the month" and it was causing this flashback to be even worse i think since it was all so near the surface and the imaginary/real pain very tap-able! Triggers.

I must be honest... the last flash back was just too much. Knowing there is actually more... well, terrifies me, paralyzes me and I don't have a great deal of time alone to process this. I have to keep moving with my kids and other responsibilities (or am I hiding in them??/ unsure at times). No time to fall apart. Detrimental to my healing no doubt. I just came back from a run I started at 5 A.M. with my dog. Even though I've been exhausted since this episode, I had to run. Usually it helps much more than it has. I just can't believe this turmoil and emotions. This has thrown me further than I expected. I am a fighter... don't feel so. I am not hopeless, just feeling lost a bit in this one. Bound again and can't get out.

Means so much what you all have to say. I have been on now and then but not even posted of late. Can't seem to pull a lotta cheerleading out at this moment. I even feel like canceling my therapy this week. feel too raw yet I know that is probably when its best to go.

 

[allowedtoheal]

Vallie,
I laughed out loud reading the post about scheduling flashbacks, lol...I'm not sure what I find funny except to say yeah, it goes from the ridiculous to the sublime. Sometimes just so totally consumed and then poof! gone.
You sound so mature in all of this...I thought I was...but age has nothing to do with it, I must say.
Old doesn't mean I am emotionally mature. I wish it were different. I want to be a good role model/mentor but I am more in need of consoling and encouraging than people chronologically younger. But...zounds!!! I must admit, I did not think of this until reading your posts just now, Vallie and Artista: I did not think, dwell or ruminate on this recent 'flashback' all day today. WOW, maybe this sharing with others is really working on this one. I think I just wrote all I could last night, in whatever way I could and in a way it was a form of letting go and gee, I just came to realize, yeah, I didn't think of this all day today. Ha ha, wow! so cool!

It didn't go away it just didn't come up. I really like the idea of recognizing the difference between triggers versus flashbacks, Vallie. I agree, a flashback is a rude, unwelcomed intruder whereas a trigger is more under my control, for the most part. I can sometimes walk away from triggers but flashbacks show the past abuse.

Thank you also about the bit about the police Vallie. The criminal is no longer alive but on further consideration more recently I remembered he had many people in his clutches. I just don't know if they were all like in the same boat as me...more denial I expect. I wish i could collect them all together and comfort them and be comforted by them. I shake my head here, in disbelief Yes, I think going to the police would probably take much strength. I will contemplate mounting a team of helpers to take some next steps and try not to go to the police alone. Thank you for informing me about this.

I try to look at the truth but I guess like you say, Vallie, I protected myself with this very ability to bury, hide, deny, dismiss, pretend.

Artista, you are so amazing. Your cheerleading is the very fact that you admit to going through all this and that you are in process. Then, I don't feel so alone. I just want to encourage you too to do only what you can. You will be more at peace in the long-run knowing you attended to your children in the midst of these remembrances. There are times I wish I had not left everything until I was older but there were other circumstances in my life at the time so I didn't have too much choice on the matter. It wasn't intentional but it has made it seem like my life will be over before I am finished with all of this. I, at least, have been able to receive some help so I don't want to take it for granted.

I agree too, on the empathy displayed here on this Forum. I know things, I just forget some of them. Sometimes, I am strong and sometimes I am weak. But so far I am beating this disorder.

Thank you both and thanks a again for being so open.

:)

 

[Artista]

Well.... ok, I guess just sharing is indeed supportive as you suggested above. I am in numb stage in some ways. I DID keep my therapy appt. but didn't tell her squat details-wise. Had some other issues to tackle as far as "home' life is going that appears almost detrimental. Plus I just couldn't verbalize and honestly... written word seems worse to me. THAT doesn't just evaporate into the air. It's in black and white in front of me or tangible and hate that thought even more so. I know I will get it out eventually... last time I had major flashback it took 2 weeks to process and then tell her. Gotta just keep trying I guess.