Disturbing Thoughts

[Tigergirl1217]

Hello everyone

Has anyone have something similar to this?
I have PTSD due to vcugs that involves intrusive, violating and invasive urinary catheters and peeing in front of people. Anyways I don't just always have "daytime-nightmares" my psychiatrist says (which is daydreams about the trauma) not always with the original nurses which I call my rapists, they are sometimes about other people I know doing it to me. So has anyone have nightmares about someone else doing the thing that traumatised you like rape, abuse?

 

[Kayle]

Hello everyone

Has anyone have something similar to this?
I have PTSD due to vcugs that involves...

Oh definitely. I'm always hyper aware of any male stranger speaking to me because I couldn't tell you what my attacker looked like. I don't always get triggered, but if there's even a slight inclination of a bad intention.. I definitely think those things. I've imagined someone I know doing the same act, maybe I'd enjoy it? Maybe I was just not in the mood at the time..

 

[Tigergirl1217]

Oh definitely. I'm always hyper aware of any male stranger speaking to me because I couldn't tell you what...

Yep I'm definitely like that and I don't think you enjoyed it if you orgasmed. I thought I was bi cause these thoughts come up while masterbating and I would always orgasm...my psychiatrist says just because you orgasm does not mean you enjoy it..

 

[Kayle]

Our brains are insanely deceiving. Misrepresentations such as these are what lead to an inability to maintain healthy relationships. Sometimes I feel like I'm on a constant tight rope with reality. It's exhausting and euphoric, very hard to stay grounded.

 

[Stickler]

...question:

Was there ever any reason found for your frequent urinary tract infections, and did you keep having UTI's throughout your childhood?

( No, I'm not that smart, I consulted Dr Google. )

Orgasm does not mean you liked it or wanted it.
Orgasm from unwanted genital contact is seriously yucky...if you happened to get aroused during medical procedures, that is not your fault...
(And yeah, arousal from catheterization is totally a thing...I didn't know about that until I got on the Internet...O.O...but catheter play...and using urethral sounds...is a thing. If you choose to explore that be VERY careful not to hurt yourself in the process, alright?)

Since I got turned on as an adult during a gynocological exam, I do have an appreciation of how EWWWWW that can be?
Gawd, medical peeps seem to forget that that is OUR junk, and just because THEY handle the bits of various people all day, does not mean we're used to strangers feeling all over it?
:wtf:
I HAVE to, b/c I get around...but it's really icky.

I have had rape nightmares, but it's a faceless stranger, usually. Mostly I wreck my car in my dreams...or drive it backwards until it overheats...Or fly into the ceiling over and over and over.

 

[Tigergirl1217]

Yup I had chronic utis that caused a reflux in my kidneys

...question:

Was there ever any reason found for your frequent urinary tract infections, and did you keep having UTI's throughout your childhood?

( No, I'm not that smart, I consulted Dr Google. )

 

[Stickler]

Ok, well, was there ever any medical reason determined for the repeated urinary tract infections you kept getting?

Did your UTI's abruptly stop at any point as you got older...puberty, maybe? Or when someone stopped being around you?
Or maybe it was as simple as soda or caffeine. I get urinary tract irritation from coffee and have to limit intake :cry:

Was there any sort of pattern to the UTI's arriving?

Were there accompanying odd symptoms, like pelvic soreness? Loss of memory?

Just curious...

 

[Tigergirl1217]

Ok, well, was there ever any medical reason determined for the repeated urinary tract infections you ke...

I do get strings of utis do to constipation or because of periods when ever I get them I have bladder control problems and a little bit of pelvic pains

 

[Powder]

Just my two cents. I may be wrong about the situation for you.

I think the very fact that your body doing this awful stuff to you is itself inherently traumatizing. (There is a certain feeling I get around people with chronic health problems. It is similar to PTSD, but in some ways WORSE because they can't blame others. Their own body is attacking their sense of safety!)

Add to this the terrible Feeling of Betrayal --that the medical people are invasive, perhaps traumatizing in many ways, but cannot make a dent in the internal problem is not good at all. You're scarred by them, but the problem persists.

Medical trauma is wrapped up in all this, and is really upsetting. My husband almost died as a toddler, and I see signs of traumatization from his hospitalization. Poor little guy! 20 months old.

If you can find a Johns Hopkins or Mayo Clinic (top institution) Dr. who is reputed to be able to handle this diagnosis you have had no luck with, then I would pursue it. In this case, you might find that this is PTS and not PTSD, in which case, it will be better in time.

Since the trauma is ongoing with your medical fight you are still feeling fears or other negative emotions repeatedly and the fear of if it comes back harder this time, I don't know if you have PTSD. You certainly could! But it's not the same as When the trauma ended 30 years ago and I'm just now losing it with the flashbacks, that definitely D. When I'm still in the war zone, that is PTS. I hope this makes sense. If you gain victory and closure, there is every chance these fear symptoms go away, at least as long as life goes okay for a awhile.

You can fight this. I say fight. Even if it costs everything.

I don't have options to fight what happened to me. And those I had, I have used. Even the smallest means of fighting back makes me feel better.

I hope you win and beat this thing. But I'm also not one to judge others' choices because I know that there is a lot to their story and needs.

 

[anna3919]

hi tigerlily, I am going through the same thing you are. I had a vcug as a child and even though it was just one, it traumatized me deeply. I had nightmares and have daytime nightmares all the time. every time I have to pee and I'm in public I get very nervous and terrified. even reading about vcugs gives me high anxiety and is incredibly triggering. I just recently started looking into what happened to me and I'm glad I'm not alone, even though I'm not happy other people had to suffer through that experience. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

 

[Powder]

Do you think that a vcug, and I'm not familiar, but I just looked it up, should be performed under anesthesia?
I am incredibly pissed off that children don't get treated the way they should in medical practice. WTF?
Why do we treat little kids like Fing pincusions!?
What can we do to demand that kids get better treatment and are not traumatized by medical care? Jesus Christ!

I am sorry this happened, and also angry.

Both my perps were medical people. IMHO a lot of doctors are sociopaths.

 

[Tigergirl1217]

@Muse ya I do think it should be preformed under general Anastesia. It's not only the catheterization that is agonizing but also bladder distillation is hell. You feel like you really have to go but they still make you hold it till it hurts