Dna

[Casey_03]

I mentioned this in a separate thread but desperately need to vent. Throughout this pregnancy, after the father went crazy and became abusive and fled, in the back of my mind I always thought I at least had the truth on my side -- the fact that he's the one in the wrong here, and not me. There was some small comfort in at least knowing I was doing the right thing and he was the coward. But I now realize how easily facts can be twisted and the whole situation distorted.
Another user told a story in a separate thread about how an ex had had a one-night stand that resulted in a child; he never knew if the child was his cause the mother never got a DNA test. The whole situation made the mother sound pretty irresponsible. But then it hit me -- I could very well be that woman years from now when the father of my baby lies and tells people the child is not his. This realization was like a punch in the gut. He had never denied parentage or even tried to claim it wasn't his until the last interaction we had several months ago. Prior to that, he always talked about it with full confidence it was his -- saying he was worried it'd be short like him,, and have bad vision like him, etc. We were monogamous and living together when the child was conceived.
But then bam! Out of nowhere he claimed it wasn't his and said if I wanted to prove it is, get a DNA test. Sounds easy enough, right? It's not, not in my situation anyway. A DNA test would cost me a couple thousand dollars - the test alone is 400 GDP, but to get it court mandated i'd have to hire lawyers here in Ukraine, and they charge 250 euros an hour. I definitely can't afford that. So, great, the truth is on my side, but life certainly isn't, because this all works out in the asshole father's favor no matter what as long as I can't afford to do anything.
Which means he will get away with telling everyone it's not his baby, that I'm crazy, that we never had a relationship and I'm just trying to get money off of him. That hurts me more than anything else because I know these lies mean the baby is the one suffering and being deprived. I guess when he first denied the kid was his I sort of shrugged it off and figured he couldn't possibly continue to keep up that lie and he'd eventually realize it was his. But after that story from another user about a woman never getting a DNA test .... it hit home that I could very easily end up being that woman, with the father of my baby telling everyone lies and everyone thinking that I"M the reprehensible human being here. This keeps me up at night. I can't even sleep.

 

[iamexisisting-z.l]

First off I'll give my background ( uk) I have 2 daughters with 2 dads, my first daughter never met her dad he fled back to U.S and in swooped dad 2 adopting her and had a second child to which he became my abuser.
Over here dad 2 took me to court and through the legal system and he had to pay because he took me not over DNA but custody. It was his choice and after all the cash he spent he wasn't allowed neither child again until they are old enough. He spent ALOT of money on a lot of nothing.
I lay awake most nights and think about how he's contacted my eldest's dad and how he'll come back or how my children will never have a father figure but I know deep deep down in my heart and soul the right and wrongs as do you.
You are an incredible mother already considering that you want to defend your child already but if I can give you any advice let him foot the bill and live with the guilt. x

 

[Sideways]

Would it be feasible/possible for you to get the dna test now, but not bother with a court mandate unless you need it in the future? That might be a way of restoring the power balance without the pricetag?

 

[Casey_03]

Theoretically, I could get the baby's DNA now, but it's risky for the baby (there's a safe way to do it during pregnancy, but that way is not offered here). Also, I'd have to get a court mandate either way to compel the father to give his DNA, so I'm not sure how helpful doing it independently now would be -- it's still a large price tag just to get the baby's DNA, and then more fees to get a court mandate to force the father to comply down the line. The whole situation is infuriating.

 

[Sideways]

In the short space of time I've been a member, I witnessed you overcome impossible hurdles. You're going to shower this baby with love, and that's the most important thing. If there comes a time in the future where you need the dna thing done, the fighter in you will come back out and make it happen, no doubt in my mind about that at all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Casey_03 are you planning on getting a child support order?

 

[Casey_03]

@Sweetpea76 I can't -- it'd require too much money for lawyers. Not something I can file for on my own since I don't live in his country.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Then honestly, I wouldn't worry about a DNA test. Legally you don't need one unless you want to establish paternity, which can come with other nightmares. With no paternity, you are the only legal parent. You have full custody, and he has no visitation rights. If he pushes the issue, let him pay for the court costs to get visitation or parental rights, and have paternity established while he's at it.

If he is talking smack about you in another country, let him. You know who your child's father is. If he is publicly denying your child, then publicly ask him for a DNA test. Let him prove his claims (and pay for them).

Ugg... this stuff is so hard. Good luck. I'll give you best advice I can give as a single mom who had been through the family court ringer - being nice gets you screwed. I was waaaaaaay to nice. I bent over backwards to accommodate. All I got was screwed, and because I got screwed, my kids got screwed. You don't have to be evil or vindictive, but make sure you look out for yourself and your child first.

 

[Casey_03]

@Sweetpea76 Right, I agree. I guess it bothers me because I thought that at the very least, even if I can't get child support (which I do desperately need), at least i had the option of informally reaching out to the baby's paternal grandmother, if I decide to do that. That provided some comfort, as I genuinely want the baby to know his roots (especially why he's dark skinned and mommy is lily white). But I now realize that I can't even do that -- there's too much of a risk that the father will convince his mother it's not his baby, and i'll be helpless to get a DNA test. I just don't like the thought of being vilified and portrayed as some manipulative liar when I am trying so so hard to do everything right and be a good mom. I know the reality is that this sort of thing happens all the time, but it leaves me feeling really gutted and enraged. Just the idea that years down the line, people might be telling stories about me like the one Sighs told ... about how this woman was so irresponsible she didn't even get a DNA test. Ugh. I don't know. End of rant. Thank you for listening and offering advice, it means a lot.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think the point of her story hon was that that woman RUFUSED a DNA test... Not that she just didn't get one. That's a big difference!

It's not the same if you say "come on motherf*cker, we'll do two if you want, you foot the bill for your own stupidity though."

If you decide to tell grandma, tell her straight up you're willing to do a DNA test, but you can neither afford one as a single mom with an infant, nor force her son to get one. If she's a decent mother or grandmother that'd be enough for her to crawl up her son's ass and die.

My son is in college... If some girl called me and told me that, I'd drag him by his ear to get tested on the possibility that I have a grandchild. If she doesn't care that she may be a grandmother, then she's an ass too!