Do i go? or do i stay?

[FauxLiz]

I am down to the wire and have to decide before the end of the day tomorrow if I am going to re-admit to an inpatient trauma unit. This should be an easy decision as getting accepted is not ever a sure thing but it is not easy. If I go I will lose precious time looking for a job (separated early last month from my previous employer) I will miss several end of Senior year events for my son and i am just plain terrified of going back. On the other hand who knows if/when I will have another opportunity like this, it will cost me nothing as my out of pocket costs for the year have been met and hopefully I would discharge healthier and more functional. Advice, suggestions, encouragement all are welcome.

 

[barefoot]

I don’t know your whole situation and I’ve also never been inpatient so have no personal experience of what’s that like.

My gut though tells me that this could be a really great opportunity for you. You have - I think - intended to go back since your last inpatient was cut short (apologies if I’ve got this wrong but I think I remember reading something about that?) It’s hard to get into and now there is an opening for you.

I get that if you are inpatient you won’t be able to apply for jobs and go to interviews etc so it will eat into some job hunting time. But it strikes me that, if you go inpatient and benefit from it, you will then be getting into job searching/applying/interviewing etc from a much stronger, more stable and much healthier place. You could get a job next week. Are you in a good position health-wise to take up a new job right now? Or do you think, realistically you might end up off sick or having to take time off to go inpatient soon into taking up a new role, which is a stressful thing for anyone (even the most healthy and functional person who doesn’t have PTSD!)

The events for your son...I don’t know. Does he know that you were inpatient before and have an opportunity to be again now? If so, what do you think he would prefer you do now? Take the hospital place and work on getting well or go to his school events? That’s not a loaded question even though I realise it sounds like one! Genuinely wondering what he would want and whether he would be understanding if you missed some of his things or whether, if you took up the place, it would cause huge problems between you and your son etc.

Is there anything in particular that terrifies you about going back?

 

[scout86]

As I remember, you felt like you were benefiting the last time you were there. I say go. The quality of the rest of your life is involved. Wait till you get a job & there will be issues with taking time off. You can find a million reasons not to go. It IS scary, I'm sure. But, especially because of what you said when you were there before, it seems like it's well worth it. Go if you can.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you both @scout86 and @barefoot. When I went last time I did feel as though I was getting something out of it and planned to hopefully return.

I know the program will do me good but this time I am being asked to sign a pre-admission contract that requires my participation in a section of the program that I struggled with before as it created significant negative responses in me caused my significant distress and panic as well as made me feel segregated judged and humiliated.

I am leaning towards going I just don’t know which way I will end up going

 

[Suzetig]

If you have the opportunity and it’s not going to cost you, I’d go tbh. The timing may not be great, but these things never are and you increase the potential to find meaningful work and to sustain it, to be there for more of your son’s achievements, to be available to those you love by spending time focussed on your recovery.

Can you ask how they’ll support you to cope with the part of the programme you’re anxious about?

 

[barefoot]

I second @Suzetig suggestion - can you get in touch with them prior to admission to tell them about the part of the programme you really struggled with and to ask how they can support you so that it will be different this time?

If you don’t go this time, it really just leaves you in the same spot you’ve been in for a while now. Where things are hard and you’re wondering whether you should try to go inpatient but you don’t know if/when you’ll get a place.

Downside re work now - it will take you out of the job search for a bit
Upside - you don’t currently have a job so don’t need to take time off to attend. Once you find a new job, I suspect a big factor in not then going inpatient will be that you’re in a new job and don’t want to take medical leave. You don’t have that issue here. And you will hopefully get to pick up your job search again and start a new role when you’re feeling better than you do now.

The timing will never be perfect. But an opportunity has presented itself now.

 

[blackemerald1]

Yes I agree with the previous suggestions^^^ Speak to your son and discuss the predicament you are in. Treatment v his graduation events. Speak to your pdoc re that part of the program you are concerned with. Getting a job is important - no doubt about that. But getting the treatment you need is imo is much more important.

Is the hospital near where your son is finishing up his education. Can you get a leave pass bc you are a voluntary patient? I imagine the events for your son are during the evening when no program will be running anyway. They rarely are.

I hope you can work it out. :hug:

 

[scout86]

I am being asked to sign a pre-admission contract that requires my participation in a section of the program that I struggled with before

They aren't asking you to do this just to be mean, are they? It's work that you will benefit from, even if it's hard? This seems like it might be the ideal time and place to take that on. You should have all the support you'd ever have and the benefit of their experience.

 

[FauxLiz]

They aren’t trying to be mean @scout86 I participated in this section when I was there in Jan but after 2 weeks I convinced my inpatient T that I couldn’t continue to process that portion in the group as it was more than I could emotionally handle de we began working on that in my individual sessions. This time they are basically saying they won’t make that accommodation for me and all the support in the world will not make me feel any less humiliated, degraded, judged and triggered just by having to address the issues in a group setting

 

[scout86]

This time they are basically saying they won’t make that accommodation for me a

Ahh. That seems pretty inflexible. They might think you can handle something you don't think you can handle (yet). They could be right or they could be wrong, huh? If they're right, and it's something that only SEEMS impossible now, it will be hard, but probably worth it. If they are wrong, and you really can't handle it, that's definitely a problem. Do you think they'd be so stubborn and inflexible as to actually cause you more harm? That definitely seems like something worth discussing with them!

 

[FauxLiz]

@scout86 i don’t think they would be so inflexible as to do harm I just do t think they realized how challenging it was for me. I am also going to be in worse shape initially when I arrive as I am attending my daughters college graduation this weekend and will be forced to interact with my abusive ex and his new family as well as my extended family that was abusive and oblivious to the other traumatic events I endured while living at home and in my hometown.

 

[scout86]

You might be right about them not understanding how hard it was. The important thing, it seems to me, is whether or not you can trust them to do the best thing when they find out how challenging it is. It SEEMS like you should be able to trust them.......