Do I Have A Right To Know?

[Annie Wilson]

My boyfriend is suffering from PTSD after a year deployment at Gitmo. He told me he had PTSD before we even started dating, and it wasn't until I was ready to make a commitment with him that I began researching PTSD, and I've learned a lot.

One of the biggest things I've learned how to do is talk to him. Being able to effectively communicate has been great for our relationship. One thing we haven't talked about is his triggers. I have asked, and he told me that he would tell me if I ever had the possibility of setting off a trigger.

I feel like he doesn't want to tell me what his triggers are because I might "baby" him or encourage him to do something out of his confront zone. The only reason I feel like this is because he will switch his entire demeanor at a drop of a hat whenever we're talking.

I love my boyfriend, and I will never leave his side as a friend or girlfriend. We both trust each other, but sometimes I feel like he's trying to protect me which is sweet, but I just want him to get better. I understand that our relationship isn't going to be easy, but I know he's worth every challenge we will have to overcome.

My question is should I encourage him to share his triggers with me, or should I just let it alone since he already answered my question at his comfortably level?

I don't want to push him away, force him to talk, or discourage him from talking to me, but I do want to help him in his recovery... I just really need some advice.

 

[Friday]

A right to know? No. Absolutely not.

Would it be useful to know? Maybe. Depends on a lot of factors. Knowing 10Nov tends to throw Marines into a helluva tailspin, or Memorial Day / Veterans Day for a whole lotta prior service, or what anniversaries he has that f*ck him up, or that XYZ is guaranteed to put him in a funk for ABC period of time... Those can be very useful. Knowing that sun burned grass triggers him this week but not next week, because it smells different next week? Or that today is a bad day for hoses but yesterday and tomorrow are fine? Not so useful. In no small part, because stressors and getting triggered is not only unavoidable, but also no one else's fault or job to sort out for us. Not triggering someone on purpose is useful. But there is simply no way to know every trigger or stressor. Shit happens.

Some reading on Triggers & Stressors Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say leave him alone. When he is ready, he will talk.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have asked, and he told me that he would tell me if I ever had the possibility of setting off a trigger.

You've asked and this seems like a reasonable answer. He seems to understand that if you need to know (ie if the possibility of triggering him is there) then he will tell you, so he recognises that responsibility. So with no benefit to him trying to tell you, then it seems unnecessary to push him to talk about this. His choice is based on an understanding of his condition.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. On the one hand you say, you learned to talk with him... then on the other you say, "I feel like he doesn't want to tell me what his triggers are because I might "baby" him or encourage him to do something out of his confront zone. The only reason I feel like this is because he will switch his entire demeanor at a drop of a hat whenever we're talking." I think I would pause to consider this and intuitive "feeling" is a poor substitute for asking a question and getting feedback from your partner.

Do you have a right to know? Um, nope... not unless or until there is a marriage proposal. Then it would be a matter of joining together to commit as life partners and it would be something that I personally would think long and very hard about and dialogue with before making a commitment like that. (I'm the PTSD in my relationship by the way, and I was candid about my issues but that was my choice).

 

[scout86]

I'm not sure it's always that cut and dried when it comes to "triggers". It's not necessarily "You do 'A' and he reacts with 'B'."

For example, personally, I tend to see things as a lot more "life and death" than most people do. So, someone doing something that I perceive as unnecessarily stupid and dangerous, might make me angry, because I'm reacting to my perception of the situation. They see the situation differently. (Or, they are missing some aspects of the situation that I'm NOT missing.) I couldn't possibly give you a list of all the things that might strike me as "stupidly dangerous". It's also not reasonable of me to expect others to live at my level of situational awareness. I would hate to have to give someone a definitive list of "triggers" and would hate even more to think that I had to expect them to spend their life sneaking around to avoid setting me off. The way I see it, "dealing with triggers" is MY job, not the job of the people around me.

 

[Lucycat]

My question is should I encourage him to share his triggers with me,

If I were asked to list all the things that have or might trigger me, simply compiling that list would be triggering of itself.

As time goes on I might suggest to Rory that a particular 'something' has made me feel very uncomfortable or unwell ( I don't even use the word trigger with him) as we encounter it. Mostly these are unpredictable anyway and easier to define with hindsight.

I prefer a more positive attitude to life and acknowledging all the many enjoyable things in life that don't need us always to be reminded that we have this thing called PTSD.

 

[ihateusernames]

I prefer a more positive attitude to life and acknowledging all the many enjoyable things in life that don't need us always to be reminded that we have this thing called PTSD.

So much of this!

I'd say leave it alone. I don't think this applies exclusively to folks with ptsd. I don't think most people want to constantly talk about bad things that happened, or things that remind them of those things, or things that could potentially remind them of those things. I'll tell you, I have to take regular breaks from this site. It is hugely "triggering" to me just to read posts here and discuss this stuff. (I don't use that word in everyday life, either. Like Lucycat I will say something along the lines of "that really bothered me" or "I'm not doing very well right now.") It's not something I want constantly on my mind.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel like he's trying to protect me which is sweet, but I just want him to get better.

I only wanted to add this (because I think you've gotten a lot of solid advice, above) - Don't make any assumptions around this stuff, period. Is he trying to protect you? maybe. Protect himself? Maybe. You have absolutely no idea - and the moment you start trying to puzzle it out, you're setting foot on a trail that really leads absolutely nowhere.

Also - you call it 'sweet' - but I would put money down on it being something much more complex. Sweet, to me, connotes things we do from a nice fluffy love place. The stuff under the column 'triggers' is usually more like the chain-link fence, self-protect, here-there-be-dragons place.

I get so much out of my connections with people that I can keep, for lack of a better word, 'normal' - or better put, in my here-and-now, and not in the past. You are part of his here-and-now. This doesn't mean that you should not ever know anything about his past, it just means let him take the lead when it comes to talking to you in more detail about that stuff.

Sometimes, the best way you can help is actually by not-knowing.

 

[Sighs]

Even if he wanted to tell you, how can he when he may not know himself? My parents have been together for 50 years and my Dad is still occasionally bumping into something that triggers him. And my Mum is still sometimes accidentally triggering him.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Even if he wanted to tell you, how can he when he may not know himself?

This ^

Hubby got triggered yesterday but had no idea why. From the language he used to describe his afternoon I think I have an idea, but I'm not going to tell him in case I'm wrong and it causes him unnecessary anxiety.