Do I Have It?

[Extix]

Hello.

I've been scared off public places and situations for some years now, and just recently I have started getting flashbacks of memories from my childhood. When I try to remember my childhood there's huge gaps in there and I just can't seem to know what's there. I have an excellent long term memory, heck I can even remember a whole day back from when I was very very young and re-live it in my mind. And I think these blocked memories are controlling the present me, I usually choose the road that has less people on it, I've always been kind of a lonely person, but I do not enjoy it. It's even hard for me to go to the store to buy something.

The thing is I'm also a bit weird sexually, which scares me the most. I get turned on if I'm not in control at all and it's like I want someone to abuse me and even hurt me. I feel like a freak and it scares me. I have no clue actually if I've been abused when I was a child somehow and I'm opening up for the first time in my life, to anyone.

Sorry about still rambling, but I think I should also enlighten some of my past, I do remember that my entire elementary school and junior high I was always picked at, and I'm okay with that. I've always thought it made me stronger, It was an eye opener. I myself thought this could be the reason for my scare of public places, and it may even be, but I'm getting flashbacks and trying to fill the gaps of my childhood before that age.

P.S My english isn't the best grammar wise,but I hope you get my point.

 

[Extix]

I'm not crying for attention, but I'd really someone would reply somehow if they'd have experienced something similar to this atleast, I'd be glad to know I'm not the only one out there.

P.S I was in a restaurant with my mother earlier today and I got a horrible panic attack what will I eat and I got very nervous when the waiter just kept asking and asking me. And later I could feel just going distant, and I couldn't really be too social even with my own mother who I had visiting me.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Hi,

You really should talk to a doctor about this. There is usually a big trigger, maybe your lost childhood memories, I don't know?

I don't think you are crying for attention, you are worried and frightened. Normal to me.

Talk to a doctor, I think it will help you feel better so you know what you are dealing with.

 

[Extix]

The thing is I'm quite abit afraid of even going to the doctor either, opening up to anyone is so darn difficult. Well thanks anyway and I probably should try to reserve a time for a therapist or something.

I'm glad there's forums like this, makes it easier to talk to people about this, and relate to others. : )

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Well getting to the appointment is the first step. One of my first words to my T was " I don't trust people." He smiled. Took a lot of work, but I trust him now.

Tell them that's is hard for you, and they will take it from there. If they can't...well maybe find someone else.

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I had some fairly similar symptoms when I was younger, like 4 or 5...I used to do weird things to myself, like stabbing myself between the legs with needles and hurting myself...and I never knew why, then I was abused 5 years later, so when I was originally diagnosed with PTSD, I assumed it was from being molested and raped when I was 9...but I recently found out that when I was aorund 3, I told my grandma that a man had touched me in my "bad place" but I wouldn't tell her any more than that, and since I refused to talk, it was brushed off as kids just talking...I have an amazing memory too, and I can remember as far back as 2 and 3, but I have no recollection of the first abuse or of telling anyone about it. It's possible that you were abused and have blocked out memories that are too painful for you to process. If your family is an available asset, use it, ask questions about weird behavior, look back at school records if you have it. The worst you can find out is that you were abused...at best, maybe you just are a masochist with social anxiety

 

[Extix]

Thanks a lot for these replies :) I think I've achieved the first step by just posting here, and I have still lot more to go through, but this sure is a start. I'm sad you can relate to me Rob_dog19, but I'm also glad because I know I'm not the only one.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

yeah she is completely right. I have what I think of as a swiss cheese memory. My childhood is gone from my brain, and when I got older and was raped a lot, more then half of those are gone.

The mind is a weird and amazing thing...It tries to protect us.

 

[KP the nut]

I hid my feelings about my childhood away. I thought I'd dealt with them. My PTSD was triggered by a car crash and now the panic, nightmares etc were triggered from childhood, one issue is that I was locked in an airing cupboard and couldn't escape.

It was my T whom I trust, although like Ayesha it took time, to bring me to the point where I am starting to manage my feelings.

It is v hard to got through this with professional help but I couldn't have reached this stage without him. Try and find a T. This forum is great for information, advice and support but it can only help so much.

Take care
KP