I do have difficulty seeing the things that happened as abuse but more in the sense that talking about any detail is just gossipy and needless. Gory details aren’t necessary. I’m just trying to get to how I make the changes in my life I need.
Because I don’t want to do details it is quite difficult to know what to say about almost anything. All roads lead to something I don’t wish to discuss. I don’t understand the balance with therapy between explaining yourself enough for them to help you but not having to go further than feels right.
Yes, me too ^^^.
I've been thinking about this, how it is more palatable to me to not assign blame to others where there may not rightfully be, or should have been my responsibility, or harm was not intended, or there were extenuating circumstances, and remembering there had to be context.
Nonetheless, I remain a product of my own life, driven home at times in ways I wish I weren't reminded, often at the least opportune times: a phrase or concept setting me off. And I suspect influencing what would be superficially deemed as anxiety, depression or hopelessness, but in reality reflects so much more.
By example, like last night, I was coming home from work totally dead tired, was waiting, a guy I know (not even the name of, visiting a relative I've met), but over a year or 2, starts talking, long story short says 'because I'm not married' come have sex- he has rum, whiskey and gin- and what do I want for b/fast?, and he's a 'gentleman' (evidenced, he said, by not asking until he knew I wasn't married). OMG and lest I forget 17 years older. Then grabs me a few times. I responded with humour, all the while wishing I could be assertive, and also find other words- of which there were none. And I thought later, more than just lacking assertiveness is the from-the-start off the rails experiences (past; -> anxiety); the thoughts of my life worth nothing, so in a way what does it matter, plus fear of repercussion to stand up for myself/ work/ need/ alone/ no safety net (present; -> depression, anxiety); and potential reality of considering those 1st two is this all that there is to life? (future; -> hopelessness), since I am a realist and I don't feel comfortable assigning meaning where there is not.
Notwithstanding however I realize I was exhausted, and have been asked out by men who are not that way (that delivery), and am not looking to be asked out. But what was driven home to me is how much my past influenced my present, and regret (not specific but general) of what impact it had on my life, as measured within relationships, work, internal thoughts about myself, denying myself what most have or seek, what I tolerate. Etc. But it's not the small things such as that example (unless exhausted as I was), but the bigger thoughts of what value am I in this life, what has my life become, what intrinsically was destroyed by not addressing or acknowledging anything having an impact? (Though conversely, ETA not everything resulted in a negative; some things
may have shaped qualities useful to others, compassion, decreased shock value, or listening for what pain appears to possibly be in other's hearts vs what comes out of their mouths. Etc.) But I'm so sick of having to live like this. :meh: And of hearing 'everyone' (though I know that statement from others is itself a fallacy, so I think 'most'or 'many') has (have) a family, or spouse, or children, or extended family, or is loved. Or was. Or what our impact or legacy or value is. At this point mine is zilch. And worse yet, much of the onus of that is on me, in response to my life and past, and particular way of problem solving (leave, avoid, deny, minimize, internalize, self-blame, stay silent).
But the fact remains: had he not said, 'because you are not married', and my mind diverted (since I was waiting, and probably so tired) to the 'past, present, and future' thoughts based on experiences above, would I have let him grab me a few times? I would guess maybe not after the first or 2nd. Idk. :wtf: , anyway. A good place where CBT would help, I think. But I'd still have to expose the thoughts (which includes the "why's", if I even know them ).
So for as much as that can be curtailed sooner than later I think it will benefit you
@Carlycat . I agree with Anthony who I believe said at least at some point that if you make your mind up and go in and just say it it's perhaps the ideal. And I see that too as high-drive to overcome and get better. As you said your T can't help you with what you don't reveal. On the other hand as you mentioned above there are competing factors to not view it as disclosure-worthy or blame-worthy. But I think however this is what's required to 'make the changes you need'. To go through, not around.
I suppose there is the happy medium of saying, just leaving all that out of it, here is what happened, what is your take on this? And going from there, leaving the fear of betrayal to loyalty or fear of making too much out of something and everything else behind.
Sorry this is long-winded (and a stupid way of explaining it). I have difficulty with words but I hope in them to try to spare you some grief. I wish you good luck. :hug:
ETA much later.. but then I think too,
@Carlycat , if we only think of the potential negatives or difficulties of anything, it seems all-awful and we talk ourselves out of it. It is really also relevant to remember, or to try to take hope in, the rewards that could result- here for example the ease in living, reconcilliation, peace, some joy. More breathing room. Less pain. A sense of freedom from that which weighs heavily.
:hug:
