Do I Leave?

[Matilda]

And I'm not actually getting any help at all in the present. I don't have insurance in the state I'm in right now so I can't go to the doctor for meds (I'm not too big of a fan of anti depressants either) and I can't get a therapist because it's pretty frowned upon here. Of course I could talk to the pastor here, but I'm not too big a fan of that either. With my past and depression, I've found that pastors don't exactly offer the best help right now. I had a therapist back at home (actually she was a sexual trauma counselor, but she was exactly what I needed) so if I return home I'll probably go see her.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I had to go back to college in my 40's. I had several scholarships. There is opportunity everywhere. I was a client of Vocational Rehabilitation. They helped me make decisions, gave me interest tests to help me find a field of study and advocated for accommodations for my disability. Depending on which state you live in, you may get a lot of financial help, be it for tuition, car repairs, eyeglasses. In short, the remove the obstacles you have to succeed.

 

[Matilda]

@scout86 home isn't exactly the best of places. My mom is loving, but I haven't told her about the depression because I know it would kill her to hear that. She's not the strongest and I've found that I've had to take care of her more than myself in several instances (especially this past year when she found out about the childhood abuse). But, if I can keep the depression from her than it should be a pretty good place to return to especially since she's in a fairly stable and cheery mood. I know I'm gonna get a lot of negative feedback from friends and church people back at home for leaving so soon since many will think I just gave into homesickness (believe me, I don't care much for home) except for the very very few people who know whats been going on with my life. Those people said that they'd support me going home or staying 100%m the choice is up to me. My biggest concern, is my dad still lives in the area. I'd have to find a job that he wouldn't happen to walk into one day and hope that I never ran into him at a store or something. That is by far my absolute greatest concern.
And I also live across the country from my college. I really hate the idea of buying another expensive plane ticket and moving all my stuff (I'll probably have to give away things too). To move home just three weeks after I left

 

[scout86]

You'll have to decide what's best for you. Here's my 2 cents (again, I guess). "Home" isn't really a place where a person has to pretend to be someone they're not. "Home" is a place where you're accepted and valued just the way you are. People may have hopes and dreams for you, but you don't have to hid stuff from them.

Take that with a grain of salt, maybe. I tend to handle "problems" by leaving. I moved out of my parent's house when I graduated from high school and never went back. I've done lots of things and lived lots of weird places to get by, but I never moved back to their house. It was never really my "home".

Do you have friends you trust where you're at now? Can you get a job and an apartment in the area where you are? If and when you DO go back to school, any idea where you'd go? You could relocate to that area. Basically, you're free to live anywhere you want. I'd give at least a little thought to alternatives to moving back "home".

BTW, my official definition of "home" is "Home is where ever my vehicle is parked."

 

[Eleanor]

My two cents: Colleges are there every year. If you had a good trauma counsellor - that is way way way harder to find than a good college - which this one isn't for you it sounds like. Why trade good for bad exactly? Because... people will give you crap? An excellent opportunity to practice having good boundaries. Which is super important. You don't have to apologize to anyone for making thoughtful decisions about your life. You are young. You are entitled to a few false starts. They'll get over it.

You may not ultimately want to live with your mother - but that is a different problem. One thing at a time.

I know it feels dumb to second guess - but better take your lumps now, if that is what you need to do, than put it off and throw good money after bad. You are where you are. Make the best decision for you given the REALITY on the ground there for you.

 

[joeylittle]

If you feel your depression worsening, I would say it's a good idea to prioritize working on that. I wish you could stay where you're at and have insurance and find an awesome therapist...but since that's not possible, going back to the state you're insured in could be the best move.

Do you have to live at home for the whole time? Or just until you have a chance to work and get some money saved up?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I have left school a number of times and it never prevented me from getting into another school. If you leave, I advise you to take a medical leave of absence if at all possible.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Right out of high school I started going to a strict Bible college. I wasn't ready to go to college, really, and was dealing with some serious depression and suicidal thoughts plus fostering a drinking problem. By the beginning of my 3rd year I was asked to leave or I would be expelled from the school. I withdrew from my classes and that was the best decision I had made in years.

I'm not saying that should be your decision; that is only my experience. I would encourage you to get help for your depression no matter what you decide to do about school. It is so important to take care of yourself first. If you are not healthy it affects all different areas of life. Getting into therapy and speaking to medical professionals is a good place to start.

 

[Chava]

I quit really early in a semester because I was drinking so much and so suicidal. I dropped out before I'd flunk out or pay for the entire semester. I needed that at the time...I was not doing well. I got some help and it wasn't all up hill after that (still a little in and out for treatment) but I started over at a college I chose and felt good about. I developed good connections with faculty and liked being there and I liked what I was studying, so when I had to leave again for treatment I had something I wanted to get better for and go back to. But it took a little time before I could clarify that. If decide to leave, get some help, and focus on taking care of yourself, you can also give yourself time to consider what you'd really like to study and where you might like to go. And check that they have good counseling or support at the school or available in the area. Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[BloomInWinter]

My best suggestion is for you to trust yourself.

If this school doesn't feel right, switch. If you aren't on meds, the insurance you get through the school should help pay for them. There are school counselors to help you with activities if daily living, and they should give you a referral for specialist counseling in the area.

I'd never be able to handle a rigid, authoritarian college which restricts information. I work at a university where the whole point is giving people accurate info, support, and allowing them the freedom to be/do what they believe is best for them.

There are several bible colleges which have terrible records for supporting their female students and employees.

I had to escape my family too, and going back was never an option. Being at the university saved me. I got sober there, learned low to live on my own, and how to take control of my own life. I am so grateful for the opportunities it gave me.

Trust yourself. Make the right decision for you. Chances are, you'll be able to get a lot of help just by being a student.

 

[Matilda]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond :) words can't explain how helpful you all have been.
@BloomInWinter the school actually doesn't provide me with insurance and there are no school counselors here. Only pastors and I've had such a bad experience speaking with pastors about my situation. It even says in my student handbook that I'm not aloud to seek therapists or psychologists

 

[anthony]

It even says in my student handbook that I'm not aloud to seek therapists or psychologists

They should be sued for negligence IMHO... because if they aren't professional mental health experts, then they should have them / encourage students to visit them for mental health issues. I'm not real sure that religion overrules laws about being able to seek correct medical treatment.