Relationship Do I Let The Love Of My Life Go?

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry, I didn't mean to give the impression that he'll never be able to have a relationship. The job, therapy, meetings.... Well that's a lot on his plate right now. He is focusing on getting better. Treatment is stressful. Jobs are stressful. It may have been that a relationship was too much for him to handle right now. If he's in AA then they advise no new relationships for a year so you can focus on healing. I know it wouldn't be completely new, but I think you understand what I'm saying. I'm hoping that you can focus on your own needs as at this point there is no guarantee that one say he will come back to you.

 

[Tinyflame]

I really don't think it's personal, or that you were an impediment. If anything, people who are good are those that people with ptsd generally feel worst about hurting, letting down, or not deserving of having to go through the complications or troubles or needs/accomodations/understanding a relationship with someone with ptsd brings or requires.

 

[Snowangel1225]

It sounds like he is working hard to take care of himself, which is fantastic! At this stage of his recovery, he needs to focus 100% on himself and working on a relationship would take away from that. His recovery is tenuous at best right now and trying to meet your needs might be enough of a trigger to cause a relapse. If you love him and care about him, you need to understand this and support his recovery.

My advise for you is to start doing the work to take care of yourself. Get yourself healthy both mentally and physically so you don't feel that you "need" him or someone else in your life. Maybe down the road when you are both in good places, this relationship can come back together and work. Or it's possible that once you are both healthy, you will realize you are better off not being a couple and maybe just being friends. Only time will tell and this will take some time.

 

[kahlan]

It's hard I know but like said above with getting himself better a relationship, even a good one, would take away the focus he needs to get through his addiction and get himself to a better place in his life. I also think its wonderful that you want to be there for him for it. I'm sure knowing that even if you're not together you're still in his corner is encouraging.

The best thing you can do is let him have his space (maybe an occasional text or message just saying hi or a link to something you think he may enjoy, nothing that's too intrusive) and get out and find something you really enjoy and throw yourself into it. Dealing with the grey area of a break can make time seem to stand still so keeping busy with a fun or fulfilling activity helps fill that gap and makes you feel better as well.

Best of luck :)

 

[exhausted 81]

Well I am going to therapy once a week, I make jewelry, I go to church and bible study, I have volunteered at the local wildlife center, and I go to work every day. I am doing what I can to try and occupy my time. I didn't want to give the impression that I NEED him in my life, I WANT him in my life. But like you guys and gals have said in the above, the most supportive thing I can do is stop worrying about my wants from him and give him the space to focus on making himself better. I know I can take care of myself on my own, as I have done for many years before meeting C. It's hard when someone has been there every day for quite a while, you become best friends.

I was having moments of weakness when I posted and I am still dealing with them but with all this great input it is making me feel more at ease. I have also stopped contact with him so that we can both heal and get better. If God's plan is that we be together then it will happen on it's own time, not mine.

I have also made a good friend from here that I can talk to who is going through what I am and that seems to be helping me. Plus helping her makes me feel good.

You guys have been such wonderful support and provide great advice.

 

[Tinyflame]

Exhausted, I think it's ok to 'need' and 'want' the other person in the relationship, or what would be the point having a relationship at all, in my mind? I think 'interdependendence' should characterize it, inter-connectedness.

I think legitimately, he is doing the responsible thing to try to pull himself together.

Peace and blessings and good luck to you both. :hug:

 

[kahlan]

The people here are amazing. Even the harsher comments made have validity most of the time. Even if its not what you want to hear lol. We are all going through this crazy ride together even if its in different stages, but that helps a lot. You get the ones who have been through the hard times and have come through, better or worse, and their wisdom from having been there. The ones currently in a bad place that can make you feel not so alone and maybe one word of support can help(both parties-they know someone cares and you can feel better knowing that you can help even if only a little). Then you have the people in a positive place that can offer hope. Another reason that I personally have found this forum such a saving grace is that so much information is available in one place and also that for me real life applications and anecdotes is easier for my brain to process therefor helping me to become a better supporter for not only N. but alsi myself :)

 

[exhausted 81]

I welcome the harsher comments. They aren't telling me what I want to hear but more of the reality of the situation. Like you I am so grateful I found this forum! I felt like I was all alone in this. Especially when talking to my dad or friends is not much help. They can't understand as to why I love this man so much and why I just don't move on.

 

[CateM]

I am in the same situation. My ex broke up with me 5 months ago and then, despite me asking for space to move on, he kept in contact. We usually speak / see each other every couple of weeks when he always asks if I'm seeing anyone new, tells me he misses me etc. It's like old times as we get on so well and he's aways suggesting things we can do together. I thought we were on our way to getting back together from how he's been behaving - he's always so caring when we're together. He's been seeing a therapist and has recently started business school so I know there's a lot going on in his life but I have been patient and supportive because I love him and want him back and thought he was trying to get his head in the right place for a relationship - he gets very stressed in relationships due to control and trust issues. The thing is that I found out that he's been online dating. I have since stopped all contact with him and he hasn't reached out to me. I don't understand his behaviour - it's extremely selfish and now I'm confused. Has he been playing me all this time, keeping me on the back burner whilst he sees what else is out there?

Has anyone else been through this? I can understand the logic of a new relationship, it's much easier to be in a casual place then going back to a person who you are committed to........but is it that or is he just a selfish t***? My friends and family certainly think it is the latter!

I'm trying to move on but there's always a question mark and a gut feeling that we'll get back together. However, I am unwilling to be a doormat (anymore than I have been). I just want to understand his behaviour.

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

[Snowangel1225]

CateM, I have a similar situation with an ex. When we were together, it was amazing and I thought I had found "the one". Unfortunately, he cheated. I forgave him, he cheated again, and we did that cycle a couple of times. Finally I had enough and we ended the relationship. Fast forward a couple of years where I refused any and all contact from him to finally me realizing being angry was only hurting myself. I decided to let go of the pain and hurt and let him back into my life under certain conditions with boundaries. I missed him...he was someone I really loved and he was my best friend when we were together before and I missed being able to talk to him. He got married after we broke up so we are strictly friends. When we do see each other, he is sweet, kind, funny and wonderful. Yes, he turns into the person I fell in love with the first time. He will text and tell me how wonderful I am...how beautiful...how he misses me and the kids...the whole gamut. If he had a chance, he would want to be together again. Would it work?...absolutely not. Because I know deep in my heart, that no matter how wonderful and awesome he can be, I will never be able to trust him again. I've come to accept that this is just the way he is...always wanting what he doesn't have. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does make him a better friend than a lover.

So, instead of trying to understand this guy (because you will drive yourself crazy trying), just accept that this is who he is. You can't change him. Then decide if you would ever be able to trust him fully again. If the answer is no, don't get back together because there is no such thing as love without trust. Maybe you could still be friends and be in each other's lives, but make sure you set up clear boundaries and stick with them.

 

[CateM]

Thanks for your reply Snowangel, the problem I have is that technically he's done nothing wrong. We are broken up and have been for a while now, but he's consistently made me feel as though he still cares and is working on himself before we get back together - hence the therapy etc. He tells me how he thinks we're wonderful together but that he 'needs time' to sort his head out, but now this. It's been a confusing time as it is, but this recent change makes me wonder if he's just being manipulative and it's made me question our whole time together. I know he has issues, I've seen how they manifest, but is this just an excuse that he always uses when a relationship gets to a certain point? He told me that when we broke up, it was the first time he hadn't felt relieved, and that he had actually missed me. I feel pretty lost. I want to move on and give up on the relationship but he's so important to me. I also don't think I can be friends with him - to see him with someone else would be too hard.

 

[Snowangel1225]

technically he's done nothing wrong

He might not have cheated, but....according to you, you asked him for space and he kept contacting you. This shows a disrespect for your wants and needs because it didn't meet his wants and needs. That is a sign of selfishness. Also, you said he was online dating while you were trying to work on your relationship. Once again, he is putting what he wants before you. I may be wrong (like that has never happened before!), but it sounds like you are more willing to put the work into the relationship than he is and he is just saying what you want to hear to keep you stringing along. Just something to think about.