Sexual Assault Do I Report?

[NukaGirl]

I haven't been to this forum in a while... things have been tough for me.
I broke up with the guy I was dating while I was here, and as soon as the rose tinted glasses came off did I realise what he had done to me.

Emotional abuse, guilt tripping me into having sex with him, and raping me.
I spoke to my therapist about all this, asked her if what he had done would constitute as rape. She said yes, that saying yes doesn't always mean you consent to sex. That would make it under duress.

My ex... was obsessed with anal. Obsessed.
My first experience of anal sex was not consensual, so you can imagine my absolute reluctance to do it with him. He would always be pushy about it. I would say no, outright, and he would press the matter. If we didn't have lube, he said we could use baby oil. And if we did have anal sex, I could never relax. And this annoyed him. I would tell him to stop, because it hurt too much, and he would beg me to let him keep going. There was even a time when I yelled at him to get off me because he triggered me. He would always try to badger me into it, and act offended if I ever said no.

There was one day, when he was spending three weeks with me while my Grandoarents were away on holiday.
Long story short, his ex accused him of rape. I, of course, was livid.
When he got back from the police station, he was shaken, upset and not really functioning. So after he had a shower, we went to bed.

Sex started out consensually. Then he triggered me again. I told him to stop, to get off. And he didn't. He kept on going. I started to panic and shoved him off of me. He was apologising, begging me to forgive him, and then started saying that he would sleep downstairs, that he couldn't touch me after what he did, and I, like a fool, forgave him. Let him sleep beside me.

Now, I was sexually assaulted two, almost three years ago, by my friend. Someone I trusted. Reporting it scarred me for life. I was treated so badly by the police. You can understand my reluctance to do so again, because I'm into BDSM.

But I found out that his ex had not been lying. He had raped her. He did to her what he had done to me. Exactly what he had done to me. She thinks I should report, that her report combined with mine could see him where he belongs. In jail.

But I'm afraid. Terrified that I'll be mistreated again. That they'll use what I'm into against me again.
Should I put myself through all that again? Let him get away with it? I don't know what to do...

 

[livingwiththis]

This is only a decision you can make...... I had a bad experience reporting the first time then I reported again and it was better but I reported with a friend who is a cop and knew the whole story already so it was easier..... I know reporting is hard but if you think it woup really help her case it might be worth it but it may also not be worth going through all the stress...

It's totally up to you.... I will support you no matter your decision

 

[NukaGirl]

I'm just terrified of not being believed again. Because of what I get up to in the bedroom, the fact that I am in a D/s relationship... I'm afraid that they'll judge me again... that somehow he'll be exempt because it was "play".

 

[livingwiththis]

I know it's not the same but I was judged by saying I was underage drinking so therefore I was asking for it...... it was a horrible thing the defence attorney actually suggested to me and the crown attorney had my back and objected and even though she was overruled I actually had to say that wasn't my intentions......
a little background to this trial my friend and I were kidnapped and r***ed and his wife came forward after talking to me and my friend to say he assaulted her that night too.... so that helped are case alot..... he was found guilty on all accounts and put on the dangerous offenders list which in canada means he will probably never leave jail after he was found guilty the police officers in charge of the case apologized for not believing us.....

I guess what I'm trying to say is it can go all ways and you never know what will come out in court but you have to stand your ground and say you said no you didn't want it to happen and hope for the best

But still YOU are in control it's your choice

 

[katiekat]

I think you should only report it if you feel like you can handle the worst possible outcome.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I think the fact that the ex has also said he raped her means you are in a much stronger position than if you were just reporting on your own. And I bet there may be others who are too afraid to speak out (Bill Cosby is a good example)

What you are describing is clearly rape and it is important you believe in yourself and not be swayed by those who will try to minimise it and blame you, so get all the support and help you can and speak to counsellors who specialise in helping rape victims. He should be punished, and prevented from doing it again. But unfortunately the system is so intimidating. and be prepared for a bad outcome, as the system sucks.

Do you have a counsellor or other support? They will guide you to come to the best decision. There is a lot to weigh up and you need really good support with this and someone to help you whether you decide to report it or not.

 

[NukaGirl]

It's just driving me nuts, and I'm losing sleep over this.
I have a support network called WRASAC helping. I might ask my support worker to come along if I do report.
I know it would hold more ground because his ex reported him. The reason why it never went any further was because he has a damn good lawyer. I hate his lawyer.
She totally discredited his ex, made her out to be vindictive, lying and manipulative.
Even I believed his ex to be like that.
She was anything but.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Yes that is the danger - damned good lawyers. I would definitely ask for a support worker to go along with you and I am glad you have that support. I would get all the counselling and help you can as, if he has that lawyer, he will try the same thing as he did with his ex. You have to trust in yourself and believe you are doing the right thing, because you are. His ex has reported him, now you are considering reporting him. That may be enough, but, with a good lawyer, he will probably get off or with minimal punishment, but a chain of evidence is building up against him. And sometime he may get his come-uppance. Or it might just protect another woman. He will do it again in all likelihood, but if and when he does, there will be 3 of you saying the same thing. And there are probably others already.

You are in the right no matter what a lawyer does and says. Try get a damned good lawyer too. But yes they cost, so might not be an option.

He may have made his ex look a vindictive, lying and manipulative but she wasn't and neither are you and nothing a lawyer says or does can take that away from you. You both know that truth, that it is him.

Do the best you can. That is all you can do. And keep getting the counselling and help. It is a very terrifying wake up call to realise the partner you had is like that. It is a shock and it takes time to recover whether you report or not and getting as much help now is a must. Stay strong.

 

[cherryblossom]

Reporting or not is a very personal decision that only you can make. It has to be the right decision for you, in your current circumstances.The fact that you have support is great, and you should continue to use that support, whatever you decide. The fact that you had a bad experience before when you reported doesn't mean that will happen again, but I understand your concerns.

Is he still in your life? Does he potentially still pose a threat to you? If he is, then this needs to be considered in your decision making process. Can you move on, without reporting? Will his ex keep badgering you? Again, things to consider. Talk things through with your supporters, and work out the best solution for you.

 

[NukaGirl]

He isn't still in my life. I see him now and again in passing and I always feel afraid. He did once try to speak to me and I snapped at him. He was prodding me with a toy fairy want and I did threaten to shove it up his backside if he kept doing it. Rather poetic, his ex thought when I told her.
It's juat that this is haunting me. I'm still dealing with what happened three years ago.
Like I said, I'm losing sleep over this. I can't fall aslep until very early in the morning, and I wake up nearly 12 hours later because of that. I need to deal with this and I'm afraid that the only way I can do that is by putting him behind bars.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Be very careful with any interactions you may have with this guy. If you report and he has a good lawyer he will use any angry reaction (which you have every right to be) as evidence you are mental, like he did with his ex. Avoid all contact. Any contact through lawyers. And if he tries to provoke you like prodding you with the fairy doll, just walk away. I know very very hard but this guy knows what he is doing. Another reason for counselling. Note I am not saying you did anything wrong but involving the law unfortunately means you will be under a magnifying glass too.

Are you sure his ex is not the first to make a complaint against him? Fact he has such a good lawyer may mean he has more history including other criminal action. Worth checking out.

Putting him behind bars good to aim for but your recovery is more important and cannot be tied to that result. Go for reporting if you need to which sounds like you need some sort of possibility of him seeing justice, but your recovery cannot be solely reliant on that. Just always have in your head you are right and are doing the right thing and you continue getting support. He will fall on his sword eventually. "Take it as far as you can; you are part of the army that will bring him down.

 

[NukaGirl]

It was ages ago, and he was very drunk. Outside a bar owned by a close friend of mine, who's on my side. Said friend told me that if my ex ever started with me, he would look the other way if I defended myself. Plus there's cctv.
I know I'd be under scrutiny too. But I haven't seen nor heard from him in the past few months. Last I heard he was bed ridden due to a condition called spondylitis. I don't feel sorry for him.