Do I Start Emdr Again Or Not?

[desiderata310]

It's actually been a rather stressful week in my head. For some reason, I've been on high alert all week.

My therapist wants, now that the trial is over, to restart EMDR again today but says it's my choice. Well, it IS and it ISN'T. My first round of EMDR was really bad- left me suicidal and in a bad way but it also opened up the box and I can't get it to close again. I kinda feel we HAVE to keep moving forward. My therapist said that he is as worried about my reaction to EMDR as I am (well... I think I am more concerned but...) but promised he isn't going out of town this weekend and could be on hand if I needed help. He's been pushing for this but then backed clean off because of my anxiety this week and said it was my decision.

UGH.

So, here's the thing: we aren't supposed to focus on any of the super dangerous memories but instead he wants to focus on long held beliefs that I have. I KINDA feel like I am just stagnating in therapy right now. We've been doing talk therapy since February and I kinda feel like I am spinning my wheels. Part of me wants to run and hide and NEVER do EMDR again and part of me thinks that I should just push through and do it. Get it out of the way, knuckle up, and just hang on for dear life. I DO have him available and I CAN go in to see him again if need be.

It makes me panicky to think about but it make me feel like a huge failure to NOT do it at this point. I am, for the first time in... MONTHS, not actively suicidal and it feels pretty awesome! The thought of going back to that place ... AND I don't KNOW that I will. He wants to target rather.. benign things: my trust issues and my belief that I am crazy. Hopefully both things that wouldn't trigger suicidal feelings.

So when I go in today do I go ahead and try the EMDR or no?

 

[Jane.l]

I had a similar experience first time I tried EMDR I got in a total mess and I have stayed well away from it for 6 months and got myself more together and have just begun to dip my toe back in , gently , slowly and I am tolerating it much better this way - at the moment.

We have been targeting anxiety and have also done bits with just touching on a trauma for 5 seconds and then coming back to the present which I think has been helpful . We plan to very gradually ease into more difficult stuff , when it feels ok to do so.

I must say though even with this gentle approach I felt my anxiety increased and I feel my attachment issues ( probably over attachment issues ) with my T have come up again - because it does require massive trust to do this with him - the good thing is I am in a place where I can let him know this and we'll talk it through.

So I would recommend a very gentle approach and talk to your T about how he is going to approach it before you agree to it .

 

[FindingMyself88]

I am so sorry you had a hard time with EMDR the first time! :hug:s if you want them.

Did you both work on grounding skills before hand? For the past 2-3 months, every session we ended with a coping and grounding skill… lots of visualization. I start EMDR next week or the next. We will be targeting my newest and "biggest" trauma first as it is giving me severe problems.

So that being said, I don't have any real experience. My T did do something in our last session though that she said will help when EMDR gets overwhelming. She used the bilateral stimulation (hand tappers because of head injury) and had me visualize my safe place. For me it was on an old trail I use to ride Greyson on that ended on a ridge where you could look across a valley. I always took him there to get away. I also visualized Bristol being there as well, and all of my "comfort" items. She said anytime I got overwhelmed during EMDR, to give her the stop signal and we would go immediately to my safe place if needed.

Might this be something you could mention to your T? It gives you a positive image with EMDR and might help. I know for me, just since doing that, it is easier to visualize my safe place when I get upset or anxious.

Ultimately it IS your choice. It sounds like you want to give it a try to see if it will work and that nothing else is really working. Please know that you have all of us here to talk to!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You don't sound stable enough for EMDR (rather, processing in general) right now.

The truth is that EMDR isn't for everyone. No one type of processing is for everyone. EMDR actually did nothing for me. I'm not sure if it was me or my therapist, but it was a big fail. I guess I should be happy that I had no reaction, as other types of processing gave me horrible reactions. I processed my trauma through other means, and it worked for me. The only drawback is that it was in a specialized program and I can't get it though regular therapy. I didn't actually process everything, so for now, I just sort of try and deal on my own the best I can since I can't go in for "follow ups"

 

[marylouise]

I'm in the same position as you in some ways: I started working on a specific memory with EMDR and then circumstances conspired so that I suddenly needed to move to a new city and lost my therapist. I feel stuck now. I really do. I am making some progress on my own working on moving away from feelings that are attached to the memory, but it's not enough. I am searching for a new therapist who is competent with EMDR for that reason.

I am generally stable and happy nowadays, after many years of therapy. However, the EMDR was rough for me. I was finally dealing with the worst of my trauma history (we're talking about life or death situations), and I honestly don't think it will ever be easy. I had body memories, explosive emotions, intrusive memories, bad dreams, the instinct to self-isolate. Even so, I was never suicidal, and was pretty much able to take care of myself. I think that's important.

Thoughts:
---I think you need to feel that you are stable enough for this. You just went through a difficult trial. However, you also say that you feel like you are "treading water" in therapy and want to move forward. My perspective as an outsider is that you've actually needed a lot of support during the court case, and you worked hard with your therapist to get it, from him and from your internal resources. But I understand why you want to do more work now, because I feel that way too.
---Do you have a "safe place" to go to when things get overwhelming? I've found that's crucial for me. It's been crucial that my EMDR sessions have included grounding activities.
---There are ways to address trauma and its aftermath with less invasive forms of therapy than EMDR, for example "somatic processing".
----Then again, I think it's wise to begin the EMDR targeting "ideas" rather than "memories". This is a less invasive way to start up again.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

You don't sound stable enough for EMDR (rather, processing in general) right now.

As @Solara quite rightly puts it, you really do not sound ready or emotionally stable enough for your Therapist to even be considering asking you to undertake it this soon.

The truth is that EMDR isn't for everyone. No one type of processing is for everyone. EMDR actually did nothing for me.

Again Solara is spot on here. EMDR really is not for everyone. I had a massive repressed memory hit me straight after session one last year. My new Psychiatrist wants me to re-start EMDR but I personally having just undertaken a different programme of suppressed memory processing am adamant that I will not be undertaking EMDR again as I know in myself that I would disocciate so badly I would end up back in secure Psychiatric Hospital again.

At the end it really is your choice @desiderata310 and I would impress on you taking a long time and looking at all the possibilities before you agreee to undertake EMDR again

:hug:s in the meantime

Laurie

 

[Hashi]

My first round of EMDR was really bad- left me suicidal and in a bad way

I would echo what some others have said that different therapies are right for different people, and EMDR isn't right for everyone. Having tried it out, I wouldn't go near it. Other people might benefit.

If it might be right for you, and if your therapist knows what they're doing. I would question why your first round left you suicidal. Built in to good, responsible EMDR therapy is a) the therapist being able to judge what's appropriate and b) the therapist and client building up sufficient resources and coping skills before even trying it.

If I'd already tried it and had such a bad experience, then personally I would want a lot of convincing from my therapist and it would have to be good. I would have to be convinced of the reasons for the bad reaction before, and the reasons why that wouldn't be expected again.

Personally, to expect that I might feel suicidal but would have the therapist on call would not be enough for me. I would want to avoid the expectation of feeling suicidal. I wouldn't be setting up a way to deal with that, I would be looking for ways to avoid it.

As @marylouise points out, there are alternatives to both talk therapy and EMDR. For me, somatic therapy every time, and also creative therapies like art therapy. It isn't about choosing between talk therapy and EMDR, it's about choosing between (or combining) talk therapy and a whole range of other therapies of which EMDR is only one possible option.

 

[Jane.l]

Totally agree with the others - different things work for different people - but also we use different methods to cope , have different grounding methods - I don't have a 'safe place' because I have never felt safe - it's an alien concept to me - I don't do well with most coping skills and actually this is where EDMR is helping right now - in that dipping momentarily into a trauma for just seconds and then being able to come out of it is giving me more control over it , and so is making it tolerable , I hope we can bulid on that but even if we don't it's a positive. Maybe this is what your t is trying to achieve - it doesn't have to be trauma based maybe it's more to boost your coping skills ?

 

[desiderata310]

The first time around we dove in on my second session and to be fair, he didn't have a complete picture of what we were up against- namely it was more than just ONE event; rather it was a five year period of abuse + stuff from childhood. . Instead of things diminishing, I flooded. BADLY. I had no idea what to expect and went home that night and came close to OD'ing. (a friend called me up as I was sitting on the bed about to take the pills) I had zero faith in my therapist at that point as well.

I have to say that things have gotten better. The trial is over. I won. I am not actively suicidal (but easily triggered) and my trust in my therapist has grown. Which if you know how little I trust people is a HUGE thing for me.

He's promised to be there this weekend which is big. Again: first time out, I went home (ok I actually went out and got drunk first) was triggered out of my head and he wasn't around to contact. I suffered through till Sunday when he finally got my message that I was NOT ok.

When I left the session that first day I was ... not ok but AT THAT MOMENT not suicidal. Things were buzzing around inside my very triggered and flooded head and it was about 3 hours later than I found myself with the handful of pills sitting on the edge of my bed not thinking about anything but making it STOP.

He plans to keep the actual session short - ie the use of the buzzers a short amount of time and to check in frequently to keep me from flooding.
He plans to check in WITH ME over the weekend instead of the other way around.
The plan is to work on NOT trauma but yes, coping skills and deeply held beliefs. Things that HOPEFULLY won't trigger flooding and all the other ugly fun that went with that.
It was make abundantly clear that it is MY choice to go through with the EMDR(something I felt before was being forced on me- HEY! Another trigger!!)

I don't know. We will see how things work when I get there.[DOUBLEPOST=1403905563,1403905264][/DOUBLEPOST]At this point I'm not sure what "stable enough" would look like.
@Solara can you explain?
On the surface, I am high functioning. I hold down a full time, high stress job and parent solo. On the surface, unless you catch me when I am REALLY trigged you wouldn't have any idea that anything was wrong.
Maybe I just hide how I am feeling really well.

 

[Jane.l]

I could have written most of that post - apart from he had you doing EMDR on your second session ??? Did I read that right ?

 

[desiderata310]

ummm... yes

 

[joeylittle]

I think you should spend just a bit more time working through your anxieties about getting back to reprocessing and about EMDR. To me, these definitely seem like separate issues. No matter what method you are using, getting back to it after a break (at least for me) has always felt like gearing up to go back into battle. What surprises me is that I find I'm always just a little better at managing the process than I was before we took the break. Do consider that you might return to it a little stronger than you were before; we are always changing and growing.

As far as the EMDR goes, I'm with @Hashi; I would never survive it. We do a combination of EFT, DBT, and psychotherapy and it works well for me. But I'm also always trying to learn about new techniques and talk with my therapist about them to see what his thoughts are. I think it's best if the treatment modality is something you arrive at together, in collaboration with your therapist - especially after you've gotten to know them and have already started digging up the bones, you know?

But try and separate out the sources of your anxiety. It should help you know how to navigate them and make a decision for yourself based on what you really think, not on what you fear-think, if that makes sense.