Do Trauma Victims Evoke Reenactments From Others?

[Gs172003]

I suppose that depends on what you mean by 'capable', but I'd say women have equal potential.

This wasn't about women. This was about men she was choosing.

 

[Virtues]

I disagree... I don't think all men have the capacity for abusing and/or sexually assaulting women. I know I don't have the capacity for it.

 

[scout86]

The original topic was whether or not victims cause people to victimize them. But, I agree with @Florian7051, not all men have it in them to be truly abusive, and neither do all women. But people abuser other people because something has caused them to believe it's ok. There isn't something about their victim that makes them do it. That's just one of the things they say too excuse their behavior.

 

[Gs172003]

The point is it's never something the victim does though most of us feel like it is. ( I know you just said that). My point is that just because somebody doesn't show signs of being abusive doesn't mean they aren't. "Bad boy" might mean jackass but doesn't necessarily mean abusive and "nice guy" can very easily be a holy terror behind closed doors.

 

[Sideways]

The theory seems to be that once we've been abused, some of us start giving off a lot of non-verbal cues that reflect our abuse. Our body language, our boundaries - there's some evidence that indicates that yeah, some guys read that body language easier than others, and it causes revictimisation. And when we start to see patterns in the way people treat us, I think it's pretty rational to examine, "Am I the common factor? Am I contributing to this somehow". More helpfully perhaps, "What can I do differently to protect myself?" That approach seems pretty darn sensible to me.

But there's a massive caveat on that. No matter what your body language is saying, the other person is ALWAYS responsible for their own actions, and it is NOT okay to abuse you, no matter what.

 

[Gs172003]

The theory seems to be that once we've been abused, some of us start giving off a lot of non-ver...

Agreed. There is a difference in seeming to being attracted to the same types or managing to find the same types than causing them to harm you.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Well, I wonder if trauma plays a deeply cosmic level here...I'm just thinking freely for a moment - I've never in my life hit someone or wanted to get into a physical fight. Except one time. One of my employees was in an abusive relationship and she was getting extremely difficult with me and was transferring a lot from her abusive husband on to me, as her boss. I remember feeling the urge and emotions to hurt her. Of course I didn't do it, but there was something about her that made me want to physically grab her and even hit her. I was stunned at this impulse and have analyzed it a lot since then. I've never since felt like being physical with anyone. I'm not sure what to attribute it to but I know she's had many violent boyfriends and husbands. One even broke her arm. I'm female and not violent at all but I felt like throwing her across the room, that's for sure. Very odd.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

No, survivors do not evoke such violence from others.

There are, however some paterns survivors tend to play out that put them in harms way. This is because we tend to revisit our trauma over and over again until we gain understanding, process the event fully, and gain mastery.

So, for instance, women who have been in abusive spousal relationships - especially if they grew up watching their fathers abuse their mothers - tend to choose abusive spouses (of course, they don't do this purposefully) over and over again until they go through therapy and process their original trauma.

There have even been cases in which women were admitted to psych units, became distressed, and ended up replaying their past abuse with the psych staff. I have in mind one case study in which the woman was admitted, lost control, was picked up by a couple of male psych techs, fought them...and things escalated until she was in four-point restraints. When her psychiatrist arrived, the two of them marveled at how the incident dramatically mirrored one of her childhood traumas!

So, no, you didn't evoke this man's violence towards you - he alone is responsible for his actions - but you have likely been unconsciously choosing male partners that remind you of the violent men in your past. This is something that's got to be discussed in therapy so you can stop this circular process.

 

[Leni]

Wow, what a topic.

I was abused by a man from age 5-9ish. And then again, by another man, from age 12-16 (with a 2 year break in the middle).

Did I somehow choose these men to be around me? Did I somehow elicit their behaviour?

No. Full stop.

However, perhaps my mom chose certain kinds of men to be around her and perhaps the fact that she was a single mom with a little girl in her care had also something to do with these nasty degenerates getting their rocks off.

The point is ... NO ...

The only way I could see you making this man doing whatever he did to you is if you killed his child or perhaps a beloved pet ... but besides that, no, us adults, we are responsible for our actions. 100%.

That said, I did wonder about the same thing some time ago: "What's up with all the pedophiles in my life?" (poor attempt at a dark dark joke)