Do We Have A Right To Feel Happy?

[Helliepig]

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It seems ike I just cannot shield myself anymore for negative stimulus, and it catches up on me where ever I go. The negative stimuli kicks in harder than the positive ones. Very strange and debillitating.
I feel sad most of the time, and something that resembles happyness for a very small amount of time.

I get that too. Like I'm too aware of all the bad people, the bad things, and can't shake it off. And happiness, self confidence and self esteem, the whole of it, is something that I'm thinking a lot about. I realised i felt bad for determining what I think, being true to myself, setting my boundaries because I felt it was SELFISH to like yourself, to be hard or disagree or chose not to humour someone; I thought you had to put up with, accomodate and indulge other people and not to do so was bad. Whether or not it hurt me was totally irrelevant.

I guess there is a similarity with that and what you say Angel, feeling, how do you have a right peace and containment in your own head when all around you, if you look, there is so much to do? So many broken people to shore up, so many abusers to pacify and interact with.... I guess what we never learnt in the first place is that it never was our job to sort out other people. We should have been born into families with people that took care of themselves and let us grow up in inner peace and containment, able to be caring and charitable when we have something to spare but not duty bound to do it, whatever the cost to ourselves.

 

[Thinkingman85]

One thing you have to focus on is yourself. If you're not in a good position, how can you help other people get in a good position? The problem arises with our altruistic nature. We always want to help people and we sacrifice ourselves to do it. However, if I didn't do it, I don't think I could function. The only way to be happy, IMO, is to be happy with other people, not just to be happy with yourself.

 

[Meadowsweet]

You're a human being, and the bottom line is that happiness is one of many human emotions. Its not something that needs to be allowed or controlled in any way by somebody outside yourself.

So if you will allow yourself to feel happiness, then you are allowed. But it is up to you.

I find it quite powerful to speak to myself like a child. I've not got as far as happiness yet, I tell myself everythings going to be ok. But I think saying to yourself "its ok, you're allowed to be happy" might have a similar effect.

 

[angel2write]

I realized I felt bad for determining what I think, being true to myself, setting my boundaries because I felt it was SELFISH to like yourself, to be hard or disagree or chose not to humor someone; I thought you had to put up with, accommodate and indulge other people and not to do so was bad. Whether or not it hurt me was totally irrelevant.

You always have a way with words, Hellie. Yeah. This is a lot of what I feel. What I'm trying to say.

It does feel selfish. I feel like, if I do something (or do nothing- resting counts!) and it makes me feel good, then I shouldn't have done it. I should have done something else. For someone else. I should have been working or helping or taking care of someone or tending someone else's needs. Instead I selfishly took a nap and fixed dinner for my family and read a book and was in a good mood all evening. Bad, bad Angel!

When I should have been out doing what Zef said and saving someone else from pain:

I should have been able to fix all the pain in the world before it happened.

I didn't have to worry about this much for the last several years. "Happy" wasn't an emotion that came up much. But in the last month or so... I don't know. I keep getting this goopy, contented look on my face and walking around smiling at people. It's weird.

I was working through a string of memories this morning about times I got punished for smiling or being happy as a kid or teen, or even with my ex-husband. He hated it when I sang while washing dishes. My happiness was, like, almost physically painful to him. He HATED it. And he would always find ways to punish me.

But I guess I'm starting to feel safe to feel happy sometimes. Now, if I could just get over feeling guilty about it... :rolleyes:

 

[Abrasky]

The happiest people in the world that smile a lot can have been hurt a lot. And that is that they fight back from pain by loving like they having been hurt. That is they are hurt, but they love like they haven't anyway. And they inspires other people to be happier better people when people are happy themselves. So being happier results in more happiness in the world is a good reason to allow yourself to be happy I think.

Better than filling the world with misery like my abuser. Is beign sad really going to make those people that are sad feel better? In my experience it the smiliest people that make sadder people happier. Happiness and love can inspire people to rise above their situations.

I witnessed horrible things in my family. I won't go into them. When you come out of that you have a lot of guilt. I found it very comforting when my psychologist told me I was too young, I was a child, I had no support to be able to do anything about these horrible things. Sometimes it helps to realise that you are can not fix thing everything.:)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

We were not allowed to be happy. To this day, I do not know why. we were'nt hurting anybody. But it was beaten out of us. We were only allowed to feel negative emotions. So I think all of the negativity is a bad habit.

When happiness comes we deserve to hang onto it with both hands. .and enjoy it. We do not need the old guilt and shame.

Another pitfall for me is that when I feel happy, I wait for the other shoe to drop. The thing that will ruin it.

We can choose our own attitudes. I am trying to be positive. It isn't easy but with practice it will get easier.

I suffered so many traumas through my life. I had so many abusers. I was victimized. I carried the shame and the blame, and they were the ones who needed to carry the blame and the shame.

So when happiness comes my way, I USUALLY get to keep it for one day. The following day is a whole new battle for trying to hang onto some happiness. Being grateful for the little things helps me too. When I remember to be grateful. I keep trying to find things to do that make me feel better.

Well i hope this helps and does not hurt. Take care and be well.

 

[The Albatross]

Do I have the right to be happy? Hmmmm. I saw this earlier and got all twisted up with "the right". I don't know about having "the right". But I do know I'm here for a finite time, and would like to have a lot more happy.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah, A2W... I think we're allowed. But I'm not entirely sure things being what they are with many of us that it means "sustained" happiness.

 

[angel2write]

I don't think people are really made for "sustained" happiness. Even ones that have had pretty good lives. I think they'd have to be tranq'd out, or have some essential part of their brain removed or something.

Zombie-type happiness is probably not the goal!! :cool:

 

[thematrix]

I was told I have been conditioned to be a certain way, and I know "happy" isnt one of them. I totally get the constant guilt feelings. I was also told I "get" to become a new person, now that who I was is gone, that sounds alot easier than logically doing, that is a lifetime of work. Who knows perhaps the new me will be happier? Is that realistic or wishful thinking? My biggest obstacle is my brain. I know I am not PTSD but it likes to take over and I dont have the skills to stop it.

I hope I havent said anything wrong.

You do deserve to feel happy angel2write.

I think everyone on this board has suffered enough and deserves nothing but happiness.

 

[Eleanor]

(only half tongue in cheek here...)

Hmmm. Angel, what would you think of the claim that no one should be happy unless you are? Absurd, yes? (I think I know you well enough to predict THAT!:D) SO, if everyone's deserving happiness is linked to everyone else's being happy (which it would have to be if happiness were a moral question as you constructed it) then I think we would all have a moral obligation to be miserable... right? Which is not what you had in mind.

So, since the position you suggested contains a fatal logical flaw when universalized, No, everyone else in the world does not have to be happy for you to deserve to be happy. (PHEW!)

Yes, you have a right to be happy, in fact, if you have a duty here it is probably to be as happy about the things that are healthy to be happy about as you can! (How's THAT for a bit of quick reasoning?!?)

 

[angel2write]

You know, that's really good reasoning, Eleanor. And if logic worked on emotions I would be totally convinced. But when I read this part:

SO, if everyone's deserving happiness is linked to everyone else's being happy (which it would have to be if happiness were a moral question as you constructed it) then I think we would all have a moral obligation to be miserable... right?

A great big part of me responded by saying, "Right." :(

I'm figuring it out, though. I spent the weekend with my mom. And I observed that I could not let myself smile at her. If I smiled, she immediately glommed on to me and tried to suck all the happiness out of me. She would poke and pry and demand the reason for my feelings and start demanding all kinds of attention.

It's pure operant conditioning. If I acted happy when she was unhappy, she punished me. If I acted unhappy when she was happy, she punished me. (Yes, I have been beaten "for not smiling enough" if you can believe it.) And if I acted happy when she was happy, she would try to share it so intensely, demanding that I praise and pet and kiss on her and tell her how wonderful she made me feel and stuff... that she would suck all the happiness out of me.

I hardly dared to smile at her all weekend. And if I smiled at one of my kids or kissed them or snuggled them, I would look up and she would be watching me like some kind of vulture.

It was creepy.