Do We Outgrow Therapists?

[Eleanor]

You can absolutely outgrow a therapist. They are limited like everyone else. In fact, the POINT is to outgrow them I think.

In any case, therapy should (in general) be goal directed - what were your goals when you started with this therapist? Have you reached those. Honestly, three years is a LONG time to be working with someone - unless you have been meeting and setting new goals regularly. What do you want the theraputic relationship FOR?

 

[Hashi]

It makes sense to me. I think different people can help us at different stages of our journey.

My first therapist was wonderful for me at that time. She made therapy safe, and was exactly the person I needed to see when I was first experiencing PTSD and facing the traumas. I don't think she'd be the right person for me now that I've moved into another stage of healing. I'm seeing someone else now, who has different training and approaches.

I was forced into leaving my first therapist before I was quite ready (it was through a charity, and time limited) and although I wish the circumstances had not been so upsetting, I'm glad to be where I am now.

I think the fact that you're asking the question kind of answers it.

 

[Delta62]

There is no right or wrong answer to the question your asking. I think it depends on the type of PTSD you have and how severe your trauma is. I do at times wish my therapist could flip the switch and turn off my anxiety, but it doesn't work like that. Different types of therapies focus on different ways of looking at the disorder itself. It's like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is directed towards thought changing while Dialectical Behavior Therapy is said to do wonders with trauma survivors, mood disorders, and those with borderline personality disorder. Once your treatment goals are met, it's time to reassess your needs and wants. I find myself in the same boat at times. Your thinking for yourself and deciding on what's right for you. Trust your gut.

 

[MissMacD]

Yes you can outgrow a therapist. I have outgrown a few. There is nothing wrong with moving on if you get to a point with a therapist that you feel that you no longer have ground to cover.

 

[Abstract]

Hi,

I agree with the others that we can definitely outgrow our therapists. For me that has partly been because I did not know what all I needed before or because I improved in certain areas so those were not as important anymore. I also think we can start realising the limits in their knowledge.

It seems you have already considered if it is trust and other issues playing out and have rejected that so that is great. think one of the most useful considerations is to see if it mimics issues we have with other relationships and if the therapist is aware of that and is addressing it appropriately.

I just don't like the things he says sometimes

It may not be worth it but do you want to share examples? Sometimes talking about it brings more clarity.

He also gets angry with me sometimes

Do you want to give an example of what that anger looks like and about what type of situation?

I rely too much on his advice

This made me wonder if you feel his boundaries are too weak. That because he has done that you have not been pushed to use good coping on your own. Would you say that? I think its impressive that you can see this and want what is in your best interests rather than what feels easiest.

What do you think you need that you are not getting and what do you think you are getting that you don't need?

 

[Loveneverfails]

It may not be worth it but do you want to share examples?

Twice now he's compared homosexuality to a mental illness. He's also at least twice compared it side by side with pedophilia. I have an openly gay sibling and am bisexual myself and my T knows this. It hurts to have him say those things because it makes me think he views me in the same scale as he would a sex offender.

Do you want to give an example of what that anger looks like..

Although I don't go around sleeping with everyone or just anyone, I don't view sex the same way he does. He believes that women need a loving committed relationship in order to be fulfilled by sex. I feel that applies to love and long term relationships and that sex is just sex. And when I tried to say this, he got flustered and sharply told me this wasn't his spiritual belief, it was psychologically proven.

This made me wonder if you feel his boundaries are too weak.

I most definitely think in the past they have been and I've called him on it. Which is why if he doesn't reply to my texts, I'm perfectly alright with it. He's told me several times he's dropped everything to do it or tried texting while driving and it made me feel so horribly guilty that I'd put him and possibly his family in an unhealthy and potentially dangerous situation. I think he's a great and supportive person to go to such lengths to help me or any patient, but I worry about what would happen if he did that for someone who took full advantage of him and his help.

As for what needs I am not getting, I think you're on point. I need clear boundaries because I grew up in a home with two care givers with an abusive lack of boundaries. I need to learn which are appropriate and which are not. I need someone who will actually say 'Hey, look I'm sorry but that's not an okay behavior.'

What I am getting, is a great person to talk to and give terrific advice, who sometimes makes me feel like a horrible human being for being different. I feel judged often and that makes me feel uncertain about being there at all.

 

[Pencil]

Twice now he's compared homosexuality to a mental illness.

Ouch!!

Tell me, before you leave, will you really check in his ear?

 

['91 Girl]

I say get away from this one! Those are his spiritual beliefs and are NOT proven by psychology. And I share his beliefs, so I know this. But I also know I would hate an atheist T to tell me that my beliefs are just a crutch. I would feel offended by this, as you should be by what was said to you.

He is not a good T. He does not have the boundaries required, he is rude and insensitive, and he makes you feel worthless. IMO, you have suffered with this one long enough.

I should clarify...I don't think homosexuality is the same as pedophilia. However, I personally don't agree with that lifestyle. That's not something I am trying to force on anyone, though. It's up to you to choose, not me.

 

[Abstract]

Oh my goodness!! Ouch indeed. I can certainly see what your concerns are.

I seriously think that he is not only wrong for you but there is aspects of his "t-ing" that are not professional. He is forcing his own views onto you - something that should never happen. And he is not able to see what you need boundary wise and his own lack of boundaries are playing out in therapy. That makes me wonder what else that shows up in.

It also occurred to me that this would put you in a parent role as you have to start being concerned about him.

A good therapist regardless of approach will tune into what you need. The parameters of what they consider "good" boundary wise may vary according to the approach but lack of boundaries tends to be about the T themselves.

I also think that to get deeper benefit from the relationship longterm that we need to be able to respect them and like who they are and really if this was me I wouldnt be able to do that.

You have probably grown enough that you can trust your own judgement more and acknowledge more fully what is bothering you. :tup:

Do you have an idea of what approach you think will fit you and what you need (other that a trauma therapist)? What do you need to work on?

 

[Pencil]

Don't you also think that this issue is an eye-opener, or reality-check, or something - I just can't find a good word for what I mean, which is: I'm sure we've all been in therapy where we held the therapist in messianic esteem, and I'm sure there are people who hold this specific therapist in exactly that kind of esteem. So it is sobering to realize that as we grow we will inevitably start 'seeing the light', whether that light is shining through the therapist's ear holes, or simply through the window.

 

[piratelady]

I agree that we can outgrow therapists. My first therapist, in hind-sight, was virtually useless in terms of trauma therapy. He did, however, help me to leave my marriage. That was a very good thing. After that, as far as cleaning up the mess, he was not so helpful. The one I have now, is better suited for working through the trauma and putting every thing back together again.

I think depending on where you are at in your PTSD-Journey, different therapists are better suited to help you. That being said the comments above that your therapist made are out of line. I don't think those are a matter of "out-growing" a therapist so much as his needing to learn to keep his mouth shut.

 

[Abstract]

Yes I agree Pencil. And it can be a challenge as it is also useful in therapy to accept a therapist isn't perfect. That way it helps us accept people aren't and accept that we aren't. And then differentiating that from not just seeing a t as right and perfect because they are a T. :O_o: And seeing what is NOT OK. :O_o:

I agree Piratelady that different things can be useful depending on where we are in the journey.

I can't but think though that I would have been much better off if any of those first therapists had been trauma T's and wonder this for you too. I think we would both have been way better off.

I might or might not have had full blown PTSD then but if someone had just recognised the dissociation at least it would have helped. And seeing things through from a trauma lens.