Do You Have Trouble Being Alone?

[stuff]

I'm going through a serious rough patch. I think a large part of it is that my roommate is currently away, and my other roommate is never home. I know that a large portion of people with PTSD find comfort in staying home and isolating, but just being at home is a trigger for me. I don't feel safe here, I can rarely sit still, and I certainly don't take comfort in this place. I've been trying to spend as much of my time, when I'm not working, out and about and perching at my various locations, but I'm exhausted. And for the most part I feel just as lonely surrounded by people as I do having no contact with them. I'm not a person who requires a constant companion in any way, but I'm seriously realizing that my head gets really mucked up the more time I spend alone by myself, especially at home where I have no distractions. Why is it so much easier knowing there is someone in the other room who might say hello to you when they get home from work?

The time I do spend alone at home is really awful, even when I do set up distractions for myself. It seems to be getting worse no matter what I do. I forget that I can do things like put on music so it feels less silent, I forget to eat, I make lists of things that need to be done and then just walk around in circles or get halfway through and forget. I even forget that my dog is here. It's like having another person around is grounding for me, even if the social interaction isn't huge. This terrifies me when I think that it will only get harder to find roommates as I get older, and given my damage, I think it's unlikely I'll ever have another partner. I have such a hard time explaining this part of my life to my therapist or my friends and family, and I'm terrified to reach out to them about it, because I know that I appear very together on the surface and have made huge progress with a lot of the issues surrounding my PTSD, but the time I spend on my own leaves me feeling like a total crazy person.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

You are not crazy. LOTS of us with PTSD isolate ourselves. It does help to have at least one person who supports you and understands. This forum is great for that, where people in your life do not understand.

 

[Marie E.]

I hate being alone!! So, here is another person to support you! :)

 

[timbit98]

I hate being isolated - but I don't mind being alone, if that makes sense. To me, there's a difference. Most of the time, I feel incredibly isolated -- disconnected. I don't know how to fix it. The alternative seems impossible.

 

[ronin47]

Timbit, that's EXACTLY how I feel a lot of the time.

It's strange, for so long I had no problem with being alone. It was actually my preference. My favorite place was alone in my room with the door locked in front of my computer with headphones on. Now, as I'm beginning to heal, I'm becoming aware of a sense of lonlieness. I still isolate because it is such an intrenched tendency, but when I do I feel bad, I feel sad and lonely.

So, I guess you could say I'm working on fixing it.

 

[Sandra]

I think I will always be a loner and prefer to be alone.

 

[Srain]

Most of the time I've been a loner. Even married I enjoy my time alone. But there are times I have gotten lonely and want company. The reason I have dogs and pets is because I have to have someone to take care of. I enjoy talking on the phone and being on the forum. I have even taken art classes to become involved with people. The year before last I took several courses through NAMI to get certified and was able to travel around the state for awhile when I just couldn't stand staying at home anymore.

I think there are many opportunities available if you are willing to reach out a bit and depending on what you are willing to do. I go through severe episodes of agoraphobia, such as right now, but if I reach hard enough I can do some of the things I want to.

I feel for what you are going through.
Peace,
Rain

 

[arcc14]

I'm with you, stuff. I was about to post something similar. I have a full week off from teaching for Thanksgiving Break, and I am losing my mind. I had to move away from everyone I know for safety/sanity reasons. I feel great when I'm teaching 8-3 m-f. The weekends kill me. I'm going to end up being really clingy and confusing to this guy I just met, and it's not going to end well. I really wish I were normal sometimes.

 

[Elisacullen21]

I prefer to be alone, but there are moments that I feel very alone and at those moments I prefer to have someone's company (mostly of my sister who is one of a few people whom I can show some affection). However, she catches up with a lot of my frustration and her is not a guilty of anything from my past...

(I need to go to sleep before it's too late. Here in the Azores is 04:35 AM, so...).

 

[maddog]

My T has a favourite saying in relation to me, which says that "Maddog left to her own devices is a dangerous thing..."

This saying, which he repeats just often enough to permanently irritate me, reflects the key distinction between being alone and being isolated. The former is comfortable, familiar and quite natural to me, and is in no way unhealthy. I am quite accepting of my own company and love peace, quiet and stillness in my world.

However, isolation from the world, intentional and extreme and prolonged, is one of the more pervasive and unhealthy symptoms of my current state, and the line between safe and unsafe aloneness has become finer than I would like.

Even when not damagingly isolating, I have recently become aware of the extent of my aloneness in the world, and a sense of loneliness for a mate and for belonging which is in very odd and extreme contrast to my deliberate self isolation. I find myself wondering "is this as good as it gets?" more often than I care to admit lately.

I don't want ot be alone forever. It's hard to admit that, but it's true, and I'm afraid that it is a very realistic fear of mine.

Sometimes it feels violating to realise that one of my primary coping strategies and an enduring feature of my personality, ie, the tendency to be a loner, has now become associated with isolation, misery and suffering. I wish it wasn't that way.

Maddog

 

[mamachick]

By nature, I have always been very social. Over the past five years my social life has declined to almost nothing. Actually its more than my social life, I stopped working a couple of years ago also. Last kid off to college 3 yrs ago, and my grandaughter who lived with me returned to her dad a year and a half ago. One daughter comes home for weekend frequently.

I see a friend or two once or twice a week and have no outside activities. It is so unlike me, I would have gone crazy if I had this life a few years ago. Yet when my daughter was home all summer, it took adjusting to, then she went back to school, and again an adjustment. I hope I am not like this forever because I dont think its good, but I am mostly comfortable.

Sometimes when the weekend comes I feel a bit sad, its like it is date night for friends and while I could have a date, I dont want to date someone just for the sake of dating. I really dislike strained conversations. I have dogs and they are company that I enjoy.

I liked being married. I do best in a relationship. I still hope that one day I have that. Im just too old to settle for someone who I am not really compatable with, and Im not real hopeful.

 

[stuff]

The thing is, I'm not really lacking in friends. I just don't want to be a burden to them in any way. There are even a few who know about my PTSD and are very supportive. I just feel like because everything looks really good from the outside, no one ever asks, and from my weird little bubble, I have a very hard time ever reaching out when things are bad. I have a huge number of acquaintances, and many people in this city know me from my band, but it's always very hard to push past the acquaintance wall, because you have to share about yourself. I get panicky attempting to pick through my life and find things I can share about myself that won't make the conversation uncomfortable for them.