Do You Question Everything?

[reallydown]

Yes, another one here.

 

[Candleflames]

This topic was the main chunk of my last session. Much of what has already been said resonates deeply with me.

even when I receive approval and acceptance, I automatically find myself questioning the sincerity of it. I feel like everything I do and say is not enough; I constantly worry that my presence is upsetting or annoying others; I very rarely feel like I truly fit in or belong.

And when it happens, it usually spirals into a depressive self-loathing, which I work very hard to internalise while putting on fake smiles and fake laughter.

I see a lot of my own responses in your post that I could have written it myself. It's that sincerity part that I question the most. I don't worry so much that they have malicious intentions. It's more of a "how do I really fit in their lives." I question why that might ever be friends with me. Do they really see me and like me or do I fill some empty bored part of their lives? When we are doing something together is it because they want my company or do they just not feel like being alone? Or is it because our kids are friend and they get some grown up time while the kids are all occupied? It's exhausting to have so many emotional thoughts running around in my head. Of course I never say any of this to any of them cause it would be so hurtful, for both of us. Then there is that little bit of me that just doesn't believe word quite cut it.

What I want the most out of my friendships is to be heard and accepted. I don't need them to understand or approve. I don't want them to fix my problems or me for that matter. I just want someone to sit with me and be, whatever we happen to be feeling or thinking, just comfortably be. That's something that is really hard to do when you question why a person has you in their life. I don't find it difficult to listen and accept what others tell me about themselves or their own lives. It's just when they tell me how they feel about me. If someone does try to reassure me I'll shut them down and change the subject.

I tend to experience jealousy as a painful lonely emotion, an agonising awareness of what I don't have

I have a deeply hidden, shameful jealous part within myself who is desperately, resentfully miserable about everything I haven't received and that others seem to take for granted.

That's how I experience my jealousy too. It's always some attribute that seams to come so easily to them and yet I struggle with. Their confidence and ability to ask for what they want out of life and support from family and friends is a big one. What I am most jealous of is how connected people can be to each other and to their past. I don't feel very connected to anyone. Not even my husband most of the time. I also don't remember much of my childhood on account of it being horrible. So I feel disconnected from even myself. I know that that is all from within me. It's my insecurities about my own value.

I know that he freaks out because he cares and he's looking to me for support and connection, and he gets tipped over the edge when he can't reach me. But he doesn't realize it.

Thank you for sharing the other side of this. It's important for us to hear what kid of effect we can have. I know when I am in freakout mode part of it is because I care about the person I'm freaking about. So much of it is being afraid too. What I agonize and obsess over is if my caring is unreciprocated. It's as if I think that my value is so tentative that it could disappear in a matter of seconds in my loved ones eyes. Then I'll be left alone in my agony.

So maybe I question all my relationships so that I can continually adjust as needed so everyone can see that I belong in their lives. And then they won't leave.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes.

My whole childhood was "not being good enough", ie no approval from anyone. I couldn't just do ok, I always had to do better. You carry that crap into adulthood and you never feel good enough for anyone.

 

[Sterre]

That's how I experience my jealousy too. It's always some attribute that seams to come so easily to them and yet I struggle with. Their confidence and ability to ask for what they want out of life and support from family and friends is a big one. What I am most jealous of is how connected people can be to each other and to their past. I don't feel very connected to anyone. Not even my husband most of the time. I also don't remember much of my childhood on account of it being horrible. So I feel disconnected from even myself. I know that that is all from within me. It's my insecurities about my own value.

Yes, I can relate to the OP question also.

There has been several mentions of the feeling of ( hidden) jealousy in relationships or friendship, or just in general. I can relate to that also. But I myself would call it envy. Envious of the things other people have had while growing up, envious of how carefree there lives seem to be. Enviuos of how natural they take space and live there lives. Enviuos of there sense of self and selfworth.
This envious feeling hurts deeply, and makes me feel less worthy and sad.

There is so much in this topic I can relate to. It feel comforting and sad at the same time.

 

[Moony]

I feel like everything I do and say is not enough; I constantly worry that my presence is upsetting or annoying others; I very rarely feel like I truly fit in or belong.

I totally relate to this. I have been in a happy relationship for about a year, but I feel anxious a lot, and worry that I'm not good enough for my gf, and feel that she deserves someone better. I have days when I know I'm being paranoid about it. I'm always asking if my gf is happy, and if she wants me to leave, if I am being annoying etc. I also have days though where it feels nice to be cared for. I know that she must love me, even a little to put up with my statements and somewhat unreasonable behaviour at times.

I'd like to say to anyone who questions everything. It's about time we deserve some happiness in life.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Count me in.

But my T has helped me realize that I feel this way most with people who aren't really good friends. If I am always the initiator and those people only call me when they need something, I tend to pick friends who aren't very healthy as a way to repeat the cycle of my childhood.

I have one best friend who gives and takes as much as I do. Sometimes it gets lonely because she is so far away but I'd rather have one or two friends who are like minded and like hearted than 20 who don't give a damn about me.