Digz
MyPTSD Pro
I really struggle with trust @oakleaves and I find that I might be seeming to be developing trust with my T but then a small change can cause me to suddenly reset and feel like I lack trust again. What you are describing, looking out for things constantly to show he doesn't care or shouldn't be trusted, I do that too. My T has just returned after some weeks leave. I was trusting him fairly well before then, but now I am doing just as you describe, looking for signs that he is not trustworthy, ultimately looking for danger. I have also shared lots of horrible memories with this T previously, in fact I have known him on and off for over a decade, he has not given me a reason to not trust him but still... I don't always.
And it does make a difference to me that he is male, it links to one of the key perpetrators of my abuse and that can trigger mistrust but it also means that continuing on is so beneficial as is the relationship. Keep expressing yourself to your T and the troubles your facing and how silly you feel because your trust has regressed, that helps me. My T is reassuring like yours and he often reminds me that considering what I've been through it is totally understandable that I'm going to have difficulty with trust at times.
Hope it improves for you.
And it does make a difference to me that he is male, it links to one of the key perpetrators of my abuse and that can trigger mistrust but it also means that continuing on is so beneficial as is the relationship. Keep expressing yourself to your T and the troubles your facing and how silly you feel because your trust has regressed, that helps me. My T is reassuring like yours and he often reminds me that considering what I've been through it is totally understandable that I'm going to have difficulty with trust at times.
Hope it improves for you.