I found out recently that my family thought it was all just "hormones". All that time I was struggling and going through hell, they thought I was "just hormonal".:unsure:
But yeah, I have felt the same. It felt like whenever they were around me (my family), it was making things worse...they are like bulls in a china shop and guilt machines, they don't know how their words and actions affect me, how it feels, and how much it all drives me around the bend.
To his credit though, my father did make a lot of effort to support and help me with depression, by giving me internet links to depression websites, so I could learn more about it, and a book to inspire me about an Olympic swimmer who overcame her fight with depression.
I thought it was daggy at the time, but it was nice that he gave it to me. I just didn't really get into sports heros, and thought it might have been dad trying to influence me to become more sporty. It was sweet of him though...more than my mother bothered doing. She never made any effort to support me when I was depressed, and still hasn't.
All she can say is how I didn't support HER enough after her mother died. I did my best to be there for her, but I was also suffering quite a lot and did not have much to give, had to conserve my energy which she didn't seem to want to understand...but then, I also didn't really convey it to her. I never knew how to express what I was going through with them, and didn't want to be a burden either. It never felt like she really cared though.
Once she accused me of not caring, or said that she thinks I didn't care. I turned and looked at her, and said that it was funny, because I felt the exact same way about her! She got up, gave me a peck on the cheek and left the room straight away! It was VERY odd!
Even now...they think I blame them for me "ruining my life, by getting pregnant and having a botched abortion, and getting sexually assaulted!" It is the farthest thing from the truth, but I've learned, with them, they seem to draw the strangest conclusions, that have no bearing on reality, and once they've all decided, it becomes like a consensus reality, which I cannot talk them out of.
I don't blame anyone else for my mistakes in life. If they knew me at all, they would know this is one of my basic tenets.
They think I'm pathetic for being such a "poor me" victim. I don't even talk about all the crap I went through with them, and they have NO IDEA of even half the stuff that happened to me when I was travelling, which I have only told strangers. I wouldn't want to scare them...but they just think I'm rotten and can't be bothered with me.
If I try and bring up the pain I'm in, or have been in at times around them, they just get mad and say how they are in pain as well, and treat me as though I am making it all about me, which I'm really not, I'm just trying to acknowledge that I am in pain, and be comforted.
I have received not one ounce of comfort from my father or brother...and my mother, despite giving me a hug when I told her I was raped, has been just cold to me since. I think I brought up stuff for her that she didn't want to look at, having been raped herself before I was born.
The best support they can give me is to leave me the hell alone so I'm not exposed to their brutish behaviour and manipulations, and lies...distortions and screwiness.
