Does Anyone Fear They Are Burdensome?

[jewel]

Shadow, I don't date either because I am ashamed of the PTSD and my physical disability. For some reason when i speak it is like my whole life comes poring out and it's like you either take me or leave me but this is me...all of me. Maybe I give people PTSD just by listening to my PTSD garbage.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear shadowchaser,
It's good to know yourself but I've heard it said 'don't think for other people'. Perhaps you are a far lighter burden than you realize. Perhaps caring for you more sensitively someone will one day become more kinder or compassionate because of it. You sound awfully lovable to me.
((((shadowchaser))))

 

[shadowchaser]

You don't give people it. But I personally attract crazies who only date broken people and try to control them. I tell every one of them that I need to start as friends but they move past that so fast. Under a week and they tell me they can take care of me and try to get me to move in with them. Freaks me out.

 

[Tinyflame]

jewel, it doesn't sound like you feel comfortable with who you're with. I don't view disabilities that way, more so = to perseverance and bravery and 'different abilities'.

 

[jewel]

You are at least a few steps ahead of me...I don't give people a chance. I stay at home about 18 hours a day and don't even try to socialize. It freaks me out too much. I used to be the social butterfly too. Maybe the PTSD is trying to teach me to be patient with myself and like myself a bit.

 

[jewel]

Junebug, you ar correct. I am not comfortable. I acquired my disability in an MVA and am still adjusting to it. We have not becme friends yet.

 

[shadowchaser]

I started online so I could screen people. Taking a break from it right now.

 

[way_back_when]

I. Am not ashamed but I know I'm a burden. I don't try to date anymore because of it.

The last time I tried to date, I completely lashed out at the person on the phone after they told me to get some sleep. As much as I sometimes would like to have someone to be with who understands me and can comfort me, I know those are the wrong reasons to date or get involved, and I fear that I will scare them away, which I have... so I wonder if it will ever happen. Right now it's not at the top of my 'list'.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's better to start with getting your own house in order, so to speak. I've found with ptsd, it's easy to date when you are a good match, horrible when you are not, easy to attract not very nice people and harder to protect yourself by yourself, sometimes.

 

[shadowchaser]

June. I only sound adorable on here because I prefer to share the good stuff. I don't share the bruises on my arms from lashing out in my sleep. I don't share the getting stuck in a memory and pacing till I can't walk or the rubbing my arms till they bleed. I talk alot on here but I don't say anything. I would rather have people see me for me rather then what my memories do to me. But when your face to face with someone and you start shaking like a leaf for no reason they can have a hard time seeing you as anything other than damaged.

 

[jewel]

Thank you Shadowchaser for saying you shake like a leaf. I do that too. It takes such concentration and energy to keep from doing that and when I feel it coming on I have my little techniques of clasping my hands together and putting all the energy there or if I am sitting I ill sit very straight with my hands folded. I hate losing my composure.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear shadowchaser, we all have bruises- some visible, some not, we all share in so many of the same challenges, fears, struggles and consequences. We don't have to 'hide' our 'defects' here because to a great degree we all share them, whether we speak of them or not the reason we understand each other is that we go thru much of the same feelings and behaviours. But you know what?, so do people who don't have a reason to face their own, almost everyone has terrible wounds and scars they are conscious of and they feel sets them apart. I still have complete faith in you, 'you' are very lovable just as you are. Though I know that probably seems not so to you.

All I know is, for those I have gone out with who thought they were hiding (their) 'worst' from me, not only was I aware of it but most oftentimes that was what I loved about them most.