Does Gender Of Therapist Matter?

[atl22]

At this point, I will take any therapist that I can get but, on the other hand, I really believe that I would feel more comfortable with a female therapist because I always make myself ready to defend myself around males. Another reason is that my father was/is an alcoholic that beat my mother and us. Because of these experiences, I do not drink and I have never hit a woman. If a woman struck me, I would walk away as quickly as possible but I would not defend myself.

Men, on the other hand, are all potential killers (of me). I see weapons everywhere. If a man has a pen, he is armed and I will get ready to attack. A chair is a weapon. A drawer is a weapon. If you have a cloth to wrap your hands, broken plate glass is a weapon. Most of these things are readily available in offices. I also do not feel that I would be able to talk as honestly with a male therapist about my violent history, but, never having had any therapy, I do not know.

I'm on the fence right now and I am well aware of my ignorance. It probably doesn't matter in the end. If I do not have a choice, I will take the therapist that is available.

I'm curious how other people feel out there. Are there people out there that have had both male and female therapists? Does it matter? Is there a difference in comfort level? Has anyone felt that they were less likely to share or be honest with a therapist due to their gender?

On the other hand, learning to cope with PTSD is the biggest challenge I have ever faced. Just going through this PTSD Workbook makes me feel ill. Answering honestly is difficult. Maybe the challenge of not feeling threatened by a male therapist is just the challenge I need. Compared to all the other difficult tasks that I am lining up, this is most likely a moot point.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

[Iam]

Hi atl22,

Both of my parents are alcoholics and abused me growing up. My father physically, my mother physically and emotionally. My father eventually got help, but my mother's abuse has continued into my adulthood. I have many girlfriends, but am triggered more by women than men. For that reason I chose a male therapist with whom I have been in therapy for a year.

I have also recently started seeing a female psych for EMDR therapy. I was nervous about it, but my T explained that therapists , by virtue of their roles, are in a position of authority similar to parents with us. He thought tht seeing a female T would help me work through some of my "mother" issues. To my surprise, I not only really like her, I trusted her immediately. I am also finding therapy with her to be very healing. Somehow having a T who is a female validating me in a way that my mother never did is doing far more emotionally for me than any work with my male therapist.

That being said, I do believe that my ability to open up to her right away is as a result of the hard work I have done with my male therapist over the last year. I really don't know, maybe I might not have been able to work with her at all to start out with. I sure am gald I am now though ;o)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I had both T's at some point. My first when I was 13 was a female, the 2nd was male at 19, 3rd was female at 21 and now my current T and the only one I've talked to is a male T.

I never felt comfortable with my 3rd female T. She said she was also a abuse victim during her first marriage. But I never talked to her about my trauma's, or my own abusive and neglected childhood. She just assumed my trauma was just like her's. She never knew my first trauma was as a baby, 2nd as a toddler, 3rd as a 5 year old. And so on and so on. She never asked.

I have no idea WHY I am more comfortable with a male T. I really thought that him being male would be a bad thing, me also being a sexual assault victim as well. I really should ask him his thoughts. I also don't know why he was the only one I ever talked too. I trusted him from the start. Don't know why.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

I'll ask my own T. Maybe that will help you? ( and me! lol)

 

[Jestadud]

I had two female therapists, I didn't choose them they were provided by our NHS both were wonderful.

I considered similar questions to what you are asking and for all the same reasons you state I would choose a female if given the option.

 

[cherryblossom]

I've always got on better with males than females. Yes, I was raped by a man, but for some reason I have never let that cloud my judgement too much. My best friends have always been male.
I've had female therapists in the past who were dreadful (for me).
I've had one male therapsit, who was also not a good fit for me.

My first psychiatrist was male, we didn't get on. My second psychiatrist was female. We also didn't really get on. I now have 2 psychiatrists (both male; consultant and SHO), who are wonderful. (BTW - I don't eat psychiatrists for breakfast, but attend a clinic which is also a teaching hospital, so my doctors have often been on 6 month rotations. I've always been over seen by a consultant (male), who is great.

Over the years I've confided in males and females alike (friends, doctors, samaritans). I was sure I got a better response from males, and found it easier to talk to males than females. But, I've recently got a female therapist (if I had of been given the choice based on past experiences, I would have chosen a male. But I didn't get a choice). My female therapist is great.... totally. It's early days, but I think we will get on and do a lot of good work for me.

This is my very round-a-bout way of saying that I don't think gender matters. Personality, and someone you trust, matters. Someone who doesn't look down to you, listens to you, acknowledges your pain, and helps you to move forward..... that's what matters. Sometimes, you might have to go through a few therapists to find someone who 'fits' you. It's frustrating and hard work, but hopefully worth it in the end. Don't write someone off, just because you think they may be the wrong gender.

 

[atl22]

Iam, Ayesha,Jestadud, and cherryblossom:

Thanks for your responses. They were quite helpful. I think I have a better sense of what I need to do. I think that I should try a female therapist first but remain open to a male therapist in the future. From what I have read, it seems like people have had multiple therapists. That makes sense to me. Maybe if I can calm down some of this edge that I have, I will feel less threatened by males.

I'm not going to let gender stop me from getting a therapist soon. I started to worry that I might be making excuses to postpone therapy but I can't fail. I can't stop. Reading about PTSD has brought too many emotions and memories up to the surface. I feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down. Ignorance is bliss, yeah, that's true. A month ago, I was less aware of how many problems I have. I'm looking in the mirror and I'm thinking "I'm f****d." (Can I say that? Sorry if I offended anyone.)

Just reading about CBT and Exposure Therapy and the articles that Anthony wrote has terrified me. I have spent 20 years actively trying not to think about my past and COMPLETELY failing. I have to make a list of the traumas that I have witnessed? I start hyperventilating when I even think about it.

 

[Iam]

Reading about PTSD has brought too many emotions and memories up to the surface. I feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down. Ignorance is bliss, yeah, that's true. A month ago, I was less aware of how many problems I have. I'm looking in the mirror and I'm thinking "I'm f****d."

That is a pretty typical response when coming on the forum atl. It is triggering. Therapy will make you more sensitive to being triggered in the beginning as well. As my T has said, it gets worse before it gets better. I had a new memory a few weeks ago about getting gang raped when I was 13 or 14. Last Friday while watching a movie, there was a scene where it was evident the 15 yr old girl was going to be gang raped. I fled the room and I had the worst flashback I've had. This never would have happened before therapy.....a that new memory surfacing because of therapy. Like you said, ignorance is bliss, but it also keeps us sick. We need to acknowledge these things and bring them into the light so they lose their power over us.

I wish you all the best as you make your courageous journey ;o)

 

[anni]

Oh heck, I got short of breath just reading that you had to make that list. That sort of thing never goes away, but the resolve to get it the heck done improves hugely. I was told, like Iams, that 'it' gets worse before it gets better. That's true, but it wasn't what I'd call bad, either. I'm similar to you, in that allowed this crap to just go for an awfully long time before it dawned on my ( kind of was bludgeoned into my head ) that it wasn't going anywhere and avoiding wasn't working at all well. Anyway, yes, things can be awful once T begins but I still did not hate it. Sometimes sucked but STILL- the friggin relief of being there, well, it makes no sense but it just outweighed hugely all the negatives going on. I hear others speak of how they hate and dread sessions and just never did. Maybe dread, sometimes, if I knew my T was going to make me do something I knew was going to suck but still feel that relief now at just plain being there.

Male/female, I suppose it might make a difference for some in the end. It should have for me, since men really did freak me out and still do somewhat but I was referred to my present male T on the grounds that we'd be a good fit. He's wonderful. I'm also glad he IS male, also since it's helped an awful lot with being able to be somewhat comfortable across the board with them.

You sound so flatly determined and resolved that can't help but think you'll come away in time with much healing. Be kind to yourself, and take care.

Anni

 

[titanvolsfan1]

Only female for me,due to my childhood days.

 

[just me here]

I have an HMO, so I can switch at will from one T to another. I have tried male and female , younger ,older, gay, straight, the whole range. I have been seen for depression and disthymia for a very long time and only recently put all the symptoms together for a PTSD diagnosis.

I would say from my experience that the most important thing is trust. I have had T's I liked very much but didn't trust their skills. Others I liked but figured they were getting kickbacks from a drug company the way they pushed the pills at me. The best I have had are the ones that will get in my face and make me work at it, like a personal trainer or a D.I. If I had a T that would do paperwork while we were in a session, I would get another. If they couldn't remember important details about our last session, I would get another.

If you don't trust men, I would say that you NEED a female T.

But get one you trust, not one you like. Stay with one that makes you work- thats my advice, I hope you think it is worth at least what you payed for it:)

 

[kers]

I was abused by a large man (tall and wide) and I am often completely panicked by big men. My therapist is a tall, thin man who is very...placid, soothing, innocuous. It has taken me YEARS to figure this out. But I am so glad that I took the chance of seeing someone who could be scary to me, because it has been such a safe way for me to work through some of my fears. I know that I can bear being around a man and it has also taught me how to spot other men who I can tolerate and trust to some degree. It's been scary as heck, but totally worth it.

 

[jesse]

Hi atl I'd say go to a female. Therapy is hard enough so why go to someone who intimidates you. Trust your gut and keep trying different ones it can take awhile so don't get discouraged.
Jesse