Sexual Assault How much does my memory of details matter?

[whiteraven]

Does figuring out what exactly happened and how far the incident went matter in weather or not I can move on?

I struggle with not remembering details. My t said that it doesn't matter; what matters is how I feel about what happened. I've found that mostly helpful; things still come up, but I am learning not to stress about them so much.

 

[RoseyViolet]

Since I posted as much as I could up here a few days ago, I've felt both better but also started having sleeping problems, (waking up and feeling as if I'm in the place it happened and always waking up at about 2:15am, give or take ten minutes) then just shaking and panicking for a few minutes unable to make myself move, I don't think its sleep paralasys, because I could physically move but I can't will myself to, I don't know how to describe it. I'm not sure if this is something I should be more concerned about. Maybe this should be in the sleep section

Also, I've gone back to obsessing about the details of what happened, trying to figure out weather thoughts of other things happening are memories and which of the two mutually exclusive memories is true (implying their mutually exclusive that it).

Does figuring out what exactly happened and how far the incident went matter in weather or not I can move on? If so I feel like I'll start remembering everything sooner or later anyways but if not, the moment I stop focusing on whatever I'm doing (not much anymore because lockdown) I immediately obsess about weather the incident was penetrative or not, as if the answer would change everything. Am I just tormenting myself with thoughts? I feel like this post has no direction or purpose but its almost exclusively all I've thought about all day

GuyBloke, you can move on... many times, and for many people though, it's when you are ready to move on. Moving forward even if you feel like you don't have all the answers in place can be a very therapeutic thing. What does moving forward look like? Its different for each person. For me, I simply decided I didn't want to live in a pit any longer of despair and I made a mental shift in my thinking. I decided I was ready.
I read a great book years and years ago, written by Joyce Meyers, called The Battlefield of the Mind. She is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of her father. She endured years of abuse while her mother turned a blind eye to the abuse happening within her own home. Joyce speaks of the same mental torment you are describing, the sleeplessness and how she overcame it. It really is a battlefield in the mind that CAN be overcome, but it takes some effort and work. It can happen though. There is hope! You can find the book Dead Link Removed at Amazon, or anywhere books are sold. I pray you'll find peace in the midst of your storm today.

 

[osiris]

Hi @GuyBloke
Only just seen this.
I had some massive black holes in my memory of things that have only come back to the light through my most recent therapy and EMDR.

I don’t think the gaps stop you from moving on, there will always be things we can’t remember in any normal memories - and technically every time we remember an event we are remembering our memory of the event, which eventually can change (that’s what I learnt in psychology anyway).

If you can find access to a good T that you trust, you should able to work through the gaps and find ways of moving forward regardless. With the covid situation I know that might be difficult, so you could always keep posting here in the meantime. People will listen.

I hope you find some rest from the thoughts of the gaps or maybe what might be there that you don’t remember. That was the crux of it for me and why EMDR (though hardcore and painful) has helped on lots of levels.

 

[somerandomguy]

For me, I knew I had major gaps in my memories of my particular traumatic events that I was unable to access. However, that didn't keep me from getting started in trauma therapy since I knew what happened - and why - in a general way.

Although I later recovered all the memories I had forgotten via EMDR, I learned that I really didn't need them in order to heal.

 

[GuyBloke]

I think in my case I feel bad about claiming something was wrong because I couldn't remember what had happened. What doesn't help is that now I know that if I try to do so someone what I remember everyone in the dorm doing it would feel like I was being kicked in the balls, and I probably couldn't make myself do it simply due to pain.

So on one side, I have no memory of anything serious happening. On the other, I have memories that don't fit with what I know is possible, but didn't know wasn't back then.

If I ask about EMDR therapy I'm just worried I'm going to bring back memories I don't want. Especially since I'm not as scared of anyone as the guys in that dorm might be of me no a' days, (another reason I don't feel like calling it anything more than an inconvenience). Maybe I don't want the memories back and that curiosity killed the cat, since my problems before the virus lockdown was noping out of the slightest relationship with friends, not even relationships with girls just refusing to do anything with friends outside of schools. Might need to bring that up in Therapy since I'm not sure I need to remember what actually happened now.

it doesn't matter; what matters is how I feel about what happened.

Might be the same for me.

I'm seeing a lot of people around town that I went to school with, mostly back from Uni because of the lockdown. But everyone acts funny, almost scared of talking to me (I'm not a scary person, like), coupled with the knowledge that at several persons involved in the incident would happily brag about it and its another thing to keep me up at night, not just crossing the street because of social distancing worried just the not wanting to talk to be but feeling obligated to. Everybody I know from outside of school acts normally though.

Mind you, the bigger "scarier" persons I knew from school are usually the most friendly when I see them, I hope I'm not overthinking things

 

[Movingforward10]

Hi GuyBloke,

I totally identify with what you're going through and I'm going through the same.
For me: I can't remember how a rape 'started' (i.e. the actual act of it). I remember the immediate aftermath (being injured and him commenting on me bleeding and some other things that are upsetting). But the actual 'start': nothing. This seems important to me because in my mind I have always blamed my genitals for 'allowing' it to happen so easily and if only I could remember then perhaps I would stop blaming myself?
My T says I disassociated at the time and (even though it is now roughly 26 years since that event) that my mind is still not ready for me to remember and that I need to find a way of making peace with not remembering. I haven't found that peace.
But I am reading a book called the compassionate mind, which I'm finding helpful. (Kindle edition is cheap). There it said something that I think is helping me about memory. It says that every day memories we add to as we get new information about it: we reprocess it. But trauma memories are stuck. We don't add to it. So for example, why can't I believe the rape happened when I know I now remember bleeding? For me I think the answer to making peace lies in here somewhere.

I hope you find your way of making peace with it.
Be kind to yourself on your journey to that peace.

 

[lovelyladysarz]

Also, I've gone back to obsessing about the details of what happened, trying to figure out weather thoughts of other things happening are memories and which of the two mutually exclusive memories is true (implying their mutually exclusive that it).

Does figuring out what exactly happened and how far the incident went matter in weather or not I can move on?

Have you considered EMDR? I don't think trying to conjure up memories is helpful, but if you were to free associate in EMDR you might get some clarity and be able to move on. That was my experience. The only thing that really matters is your feelings and how the trauma is currently affecting your life. As someone who is detail oriented I used to get lost in that but then ended up working with someone who is more "big picture" and I let the scrutiny and analyzing go.

 

[GuyBloke]

Have you considered EMDR?

I'm considering it, but given that just remembering what little I know has caused these problems, like paranoia and wondering what everybody else knows, but I've cut contact with most everyone I went to school with and spent the two weeks I managed in college not socializing and being scared of everyone and ridiculously depressed. EMDR could help but I'm worried that knowing what happened is like Curiosity killed the cat