Relationship Does My Wife Have Ptsd? She Has Been Raped Several Times.

[Friday]

If she says she has dealt with events from her past and is content with herself, should I also be content with that?

If she's happy abusing you, & content with abusing her children; then I would very much take her at her word... That she will continue to abuse both you & your children. I wouldn't be content with my spouses intent to be abusive, as I was in much the same situation/I fought that for years, but I would very much believe them.

 

[Lost001]

Suzetig, And All,

I want to be very careful not to cast too much of my own light on all of this. What is written is my perspective, I have tried to be accurate and balanced. What Suzetig has said has gotten me to recall two more things. I don't know if they are relevant, and I don't want it to seem bigger than it really is.

Three or so weeks ago, we were putting our daughter to bed with a story, I called my son as I do every night. He gave me back chat and I dealt with it firmly and swiftly. He tries to boss me around when his mum near him, I was calm afterward, thought nothing more of it. I was sitting with my wife an hour or so later on the sofa watching TV, then out of the blue she yelled "I hate your ex wife, and I am starting to build feelings of hate toward XXXX (sons name)". She was red in the face, furious I guess. She said it was because of the way she had heard him speak to me. I stayed calm and tried to talk her down, but I was firm that I had dealt with the situation and it didn't need the level of anger she was expressing. After 20 minutes or so of trying to understand where she was coming from, but being firm that I had dealt effectively with him on the call, I started to see red and I warned her and challenged her feelings of building hatred for my son who is 8. She claimed she does not hate him, but is building feelings of hate toward him. This really did not compute for me, you hate or you don't, you have a reason to hate or not. Maybe she projects into the future and sees herself feeling this way? I said this was a bad situation, my own feelings of protection really started to kick in. I told her he is 8, if you an adult are starting to feel this way, what are you doing about it? What was she doing to prevent the eventuality of actually hating him? He's a good boy, with normal challenges for a normal child. It resulted in a big fall out as it went way beyond what I could comprehend or cope with.

My wife and I have had 2 girls, one is 2 months, the other is 2 years. As with the our first, she has recently said she has been so frustrated with tiredness and stress that she has visions of herself throwing the poor baby "at the wall". When she says this I say nothing other than you're not going to do that. I don't want to feed it in any way. I have no idea where this comes from. Is it normal to have visions like this? I am 100% certain she would never do it, she says she will never do it. I have never had a vision like that about anyone, no matter how bad they made me feel. This is one of those times where she shares something in a lucid moment, not when she is most upset. Like a confession almost.

Maybe I shouldn't post this stuff. I don't want her painted in a bad light. These are things that I experience, but don't seem normal to me, but what might be gaslighting making me accept on some level as normality. These and others have stuck with me and nag at me. What if she actually starts to hate my son, or at the moment is unable to admit it? She is a good mum, but rages so often, I just got off of the phone to her (I'm away on business) and once again had to ask her not to swear while shouting, this time at the cat in front of our daughter.

Matt

 

[Suzetig]

The visions of throwing the baby st the wall could be some form of post natal/post partum depression - given her instability and your very small children, she needs to get some support and treatment. What are you doing to ensure she is safe around your children and is seeking medical help?

 

[The Albatross]

Stating the facts of what is occurring is not "painting" anybody in a bad light... straight up. Glad you are here. Agree with all who have responded above.

 

[Lost001]

Suzetig,

I have a counselling session on Thursday, she has said she will come along to it. I have been encouraged by this thread to seek individual counselling and couples counselling. We can't do it all at once, there isn't the time or money I'm afraid. As I have had only one previous session with this counselor, I think my best approach is to discuss as much of this as possible with her there and work out what we should do, what is available to support us and what is the biggest priority. Understood completely that 3 different counselors would be needed. Whether this guy....his name is Guy...would switch to being our joint counselor or would remain as my own I don't know. I cannot see that there is harm in him meeting her on a professional basis while we try to work out the best way ahead.

Other than that, I don't know what else I can do. A professional needs to assess whether there is any risk. I am worried that as I have been so focused on events in this post that I have given an impression there is an immediate threat. My feeling is the damage that could be done if no action is taken now is more long term emotional, and there is no immediate physical threat. I go home tomorrow with a different attitude and approach. My personal expectations are changing. If you have any recommendations for the next week, I am open to anything. I'll continue reading when I can, by following some of the links provided earlier today. I'm mindful that this is not enough.

I am incredibly grateful for the people that have taken the time to reply and support me, even with hard messages that are uncomfortable to take on board.

Matt

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Lost001 If at anytime, you feel that either of your children are not safe being with your wife, I suggest that you try and have her placed in a psych ward for evaluation and treatment. It may be just the place that she needs to kick start the care that she needs too. She would be evaluated, most likely placed on medication and would start some therapy, that she desperately needs....

 

[Fadeaway]

First of all, I want to apologize for a misunderstanding I had. I got the impression that you were trying to convince her to perform oral sex when she didn't want to.

I still say that she shouldn't go to your appointment. You need the safe place. Her attendance could create bias in the counselor. Right now you need someone who is 100% behind you. Your wife is in desperate need of help but right now you need to focus on yourself and your kids. Secondary PTSD exists. As much as she needs therapy, so do you. Do not deprive yourself of this time.

Please do not think that feel you are talking bad about about your wife or causing us to have bad feelings towards her. We don't. We see her as someone who is clearly in a lot of pain and suffering immensely from it. We also see that it is cause you severe pain and suffering as well.

On the subject of her feeling like she starting to hate your son. There are several possibilities. She may hate the situation and be confusing the person for the situation. Or she might be struggling with those feelings but rational logic is winning at the moment. Or, as you said, she could very well be projecting into the future.

Recommendations for the next week? Make sure you get enough sleep and eat healthy foods. Eliminate as much stress as you can. Ask your counselor for advice on getting her treatment.

Would your wife be amenable on reading information on trauma and coping skills? There are a lot of good articles on this site that she might find beneficial.

 

[Abstract]

Personally I wonder if there is something more than PTSD going on here (PTSD +) but you are doing the right thing here. You must be in shock with the realisations and new understanding so be patient with yourself. Agreed with Fadeaway about keeping your t for you.

You need to safeguard the children 1 and yourself 2 first. Sometimes not setting boundaries is not helpful for the person either. It may be that the thoughts of harming the baby are just an expression of the stress she is under but I don't think you can take the chance. Whenever things like this are said we need to take it seriously. It can even be a cry for help and sometimes without the person knowing thats what it is. Thoughts of harming a baby are not unusual with post natal depression and exhaustion but it does need to be taken very seriously. Birth and surrounding issues such as babies and children can potentially harbour triggers for trauma too. It is hard enough dealing with the pressures of caring for a baby and child without possible very out of control PTSD and lack of awareness.

It sounds like she is in a crisis state and as a result your whole family is too. To my mind the best possible result would be if she manages to get booked onto an in clinic program. I realise that would be very complicated in your circumstances.

A couple of things to think of:
I think it is essential she is seen by a trauma/PTSD specialist therapist. Normal therapists can miss and mishandle trauma related stuff. At some point I think its important she be properly evaluated by a psychiatrist. Maybe you could do this visit together. Depending on her feelings about this I would make these two visits the highest priority. If there is anyone you know that can come in and help with general tasks and reduce the stress load I would do that asap too.

I would also look up hypervigilance. You have good instincts when it comes to ways of approaching topics I am guessing but it might help to understand the person is in major defense mode and so a combination of firmness/boundaries and kindness is a usually a good recipe. Keep is posted.

 

[Lost001]

Hi She Cat,

I don't know what is available to us and I don't know if this is appropriate. Enough people have said it in the replies to bring it to my attention. As I've been away for a week since this unraveled, I'll see how effective I can be in changes to my behaviour and expectations will make. We have the added complication that our youngest is still breastfeeding and I cannot care for our 2 year old and work. If I don't make money, we have nowhere to live!! Thank you for your reply. I'll look into what is available to us locally along the lines you suggest, so at the very least I am informed.

Matt

 

[Lost001]

Fadeaway,
Please do not feel the need to apologise. The hard messages are just as important to me and anything that is said that makes me look at myself instead of outward is positive to me.

She does read, but will likely take it as an accusation if I show her any reading material. Unless I remain engaged and sometimes read it to her she tends not to remain focused. Do you think it is a good idea to show her the PTSD cup article? It's fairly concise, however I have posted to this thread because I think she may have something like PTSD but I'm not in any way qualified to say that it's the case, so could i do more harm at this stage? She knows I have been reading about it in relation to her and us, but has not asked about it at all.

She is not aware yet that I've posted here and shared deeply personal things. I'm not ashamed or actively keeping it from her, although I would expect some anger if and when she reads it due to the suggestions that she could be a threat to the wellbeing of our children and may need to be admitted for psychiatric assessment.

So many alarm bells are going off now over past events. Clues she gave me but I was utterly insensitive to. What a fool I feel.....

Matt

 

[Lost001]

Abstract.
Lots to think about there.

My instinct is to fix things. The more I attempt to learn, the more I realise that I can't fix anything. Right now I have to find stability.

I will read up on hypervigilance. I feel hypervigilant myself but I would say actively so, while her hyper-reactions are instinctive. I don't feel I can relax at all. The next week together having been apart and any success or failure will be heavily influenced by my behaviour when there are outbursts. It's dreadful knowing I'm going home and what I will be facing. . I also need to make the right choices regarding therapy with limited resources of both time and money.

May I ask how valuable it would be for her to share with someone close? She has not told her mother anything of what has happened in her past. Her mum can be very emotionally abusive, and since reading about secondary effects of PTSD and mother daughter relationships there are things that she went through that could have stayed this whole thing rolling. I'm referring to life threatening things that happened in childhood. I'm not suggesting I push this idea of her opening up to a friend, or at least in the short term. I'd like to know from people that have experience if this would be a good or bad thing. At the same time it's a huge burden for a friend to take on, is all so upsetting. My wife complains that her friends don't contact her. I ask her if she's contacted them, and the answer is nearly always that she sent them a message on WhatsApp or Facebook. I say call them and reach out and the answer is usually I'm tired if being the one to reach out to them.

I'll leave it here. I'm rambling.

Matt

 

[Neverthesame]

Might be a good idea to have a look through the UK government site. You probably would qualify for some financial aid schemes, should your wife need to be hospitalised.

You may also want to look through Link Removed
Maybe something there can be of practical use to you.

Your not a fool.
A fool understands a situation is becoming severe, yet still chooses to do nothing about it. In the hopes it will go away on it's own.