Relationship Does He Undertsand This Is Hard For Me Too?

[JennJenn]

I know what he is going through isn't easy, but I wonder if he realizes this isn't easy for me too. Sometimes I want to tell him that I am hurting and just need reassurance from him that he still loves me and misses me when he doesn't see me. The idea of telling him that I'm hurting scares me because I feel like it will make him feel guilty. He feels guilty for things he shouldn't. I don't want him to feel guilty, I just want him to understand that I am trying and I care, but it still is difficult.

Does he know that it hurts me? Does he care? Part of me believe he does, but I don't know for sure. Do I bring this up to him, or do I just deal with it myself?

How do I talk to him about my feelings without upsetting him? When he is having a good day I'm afraid to bring up any subject that might turn it into a bad day, and when is having a bad day I'm afraid to talk about things for fear of making it worse. I'm just so confused. I wish there was instructions that told me exactly what to do every day.

 

[Abstract]

I think it depends on him and how caught up he is in his own pain. I know for me I am painfully aware of the effects on others. I think that over concern about this exacerbates the behaviours I have that affect others.

Its a bit ridiculous really. The more I think I am harming others the more worthless I feel and the more guilt and self hatred happen and the result of that is more withdrawing, more fear of intimacy and more general symptoms.

The worse I feel about that the worse it gets. At some point I will have to find a way to address it without that happening. I am hoping your guy is able to do that for your sake.

If he is just disinterested in your experiences then you have a different dilemma on your hands.

Really sorry that you are faced with all this horribleness. Its more than anyone should have to deal with.

 

[aj1]

And Abstract, I think on our end, we see your hurt, it hurts us and we both end up suffering in silence when we could be working on loving.

 

[Abstract]

Its an awful dilemma A1.

What I will say and was going to before is that you are not responsible for his feelings. In other words - if you discuss what you need to and he reacts badly then it is not your responsibility. It is perfectly reasonable and normal to want to discuss how you feel and need reassurance and comfort and you have a right to ask for it.

 

[p-no]

I agree with what Abstract has said.

When I read your post one thing came to mind. When (not if) you approach him with your needs, wants, concerns, etc., what you can do is speak slowly and calmly, speak of yourself only (I-messages (e.g. "I am not feeling heard currently and would like to let you know...)), and speak to him only at a point in time when YOU are calm about the subject you would like to talk about. This is what helps me, me being the sufferer in this equation.

 

[JennJenn]

Thank you all!

Why finally talked, but only after he ended it today. He called and told me that he couldn't do it anymore.

I told him how I have felt. I asked him to consider couples therapy. I asked him to not give up, but I think this may be the end of our relationship for good. I don't blame either of us, but still hurt so much. I am losing the love of my life, and the only person I have ever truly let in to my life. I feel like I am losing a part of myself, my best friend. This may be strange but I feel like I am in the most pain I have ever been and yet I feel numb at the same time. I don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless.

 

[DMerish]

I feel like I am losing a part of myself, my best friend. This may be strange but I feel like I am in the most pain I have ever been and yet I feel nub at the same time. I don't know what to do. I feel completely helpless.

Hi Jenn,

Falling in love, loving someone deeply, and allowing one's self to be loved by another person is IMO one of the most courageous things a person can do. Being in relationship with PTSD present (either one's own or the other person's) takes even more strength and courage.

I agree with what the other posters have said whole heartedly, and I'm so sorry things worked out as they did and you're feeling very down and hopeless right now. I think the fact that the two of you talked, and you were told that he "can't do it anymore" is a testament to him having feelings towards you - finding value and honoring the relationship enough to be willing to communicate.

You said, "You don't blame either us." IMHO that's the healthiest place to be right now, and since there is no blame, no big horrific (I assume) thing that either of you did to make the relationship go downhill and focus your attention on, you are luckily afforded the opportunity to look back, truly appreciate the good times, the goodness in the other person and yourself. Please realize although most people want love, not all are able to give it or accept it. If you're able to do both, that's a very beautiful and precious thing - it's you can feel proud about. :hug:

Drew

 

[JennJenn]

I still want to hold on to hope that we can continue to try and make our relationship work. Is that the wrong thing to do? He told me that he can't do this again in another few months (that is our cycle), but maybe a year from now he could try again. Do I wait? Do I try to hold on to hope? Do I try to encourage him to go to couple's therapy? I don't know where to go from here. I want to keep fighting for the man I love, but I don't want to push him away.

 

[DMerish]

You can retain some hopefulness, but it's unrealistic to go about your life based on what someone else might do or might want at a later time. Pick up your interests, friends, past times etc. again - jump back into your life as an independent person with both feet 100% - If you do that, in a year or so you'll be stronger, healthier and have more to offer - whether you offer it to him or anyone else

You may want to have a few therapy sessions yourself to help you move on - it probably wouldn't hurt.

 

[JennJenn]

I don't want to put my entire life on hold for him, but I do want remain hopeful. I just feel like by moving on with my life I am giving up on him, and I'm not.

I am going to call tomorrow and schedule an appointment with a counselor for this week.