Does He Want Out?

[Oduso]

My love with combat PTSD has been acting so strange ever since I suggested couples therapy to help us move forward. At first he seemed all for it, but since then he's changed his mind several times about whether or not he wants to go (which I understand can be terrifying for him). Then he started acting really distant, barely getting in contact, and responding with very short replies whenever I did. Despite that, he still tells me he loves and cares for me here and there. He's simultaneously expressed worry that he won't ever be able to make me happy, and that's what I deserve, and that he can't be emotionally available to me. Then hours later he turns around and says he loves me and always will and wants nothing more than to make this work. Most recently he's been making date plans with me then finding odd reasons to back out of them at the last minute. I'm trying my best not to take any of this personally but can't help but feel like he just wants out and doesn't know how to go about it. I've tried giving him an out, as I would never want him to be with me out of a sense of obligation but because he truly wants to, but he never seems to fully take it. What the heck could really be going on?! And what should I do?!

Signed,
Utterly confused

 

[Esuzap]

Sorry, but he is at a complete and utter stage of f*cked up right now, and PTSD is controlling him. Anything that comes out of his mouth should not be trusted, as he highly unlikely even accepts what he says, and is just saying things based on his own PTSD turmoil and what he wants at a given moment.

He doesn't know what he wants, its that simple.

At the end of the day, you either accept his ongoing turmoil and remain as is, or you accept he doesn't know what the hell he wants, but he doesn't want to help himself, and if the relationship is in trouble, it is only going to get worse.

 

[Oduso]

Asker here: Is there anything I can do to help him? He's most recently landed on wanting counseling after all. Should I take that as a smidgen of hope and make us an appointment in the hopes that just getting him through the door could be a worthwhile start?

 

[Ewuso]

It's a week after Veterans Day -I just had to check the calendar, and damn, nearly a whole week has passed???- and I am only just beginning to pull my head out. To say I've been volatile the past few weeks is like calling the Grand Canyon a little bit of uneven ground. Volatile like lashing out? Nope. That much was under control. Although I'm getting some sparks now, it's mostly just aftershocks as I let go of the incredibly short leash I've kept myself on. Volatile like normal one moment, suicidally depressed the next, hopeful a minute later, hating myself before that minute is out. Drop kicked into cold and hard, then out of nowhere lose that, and just gutted. f*ck. Just fun times. And this year? Wasn't really that bad. Overall, one of my better years. I'm flat out refusing to find out who killed themselves this year. At least not yet. I just can't. This time of year always eats someone. If not someone I know, someone they know. I just don't have the energy for it. Nope. They're dead. They'll still be dead next week, next month, next year. I will find out later, dammit. Not right now.

So whenever anyone says CombatVet around VeteransDay is or has been acting weird? Yep. That's just Situation Normal. Take it with a grain of salt. Hell. Break out the limes and tequila, and coat your wrist in the stuff. Acting weird is good, though. Means they're still around. Cheers.

 

[Oduso]

That makes a lot of sense. It's easy to forget that Veteran's Day and this time of year in general can be so hard and churn up a whole host of emotions, and that some years are inherently easier than others.

Do you suggest giving him space and letting him contact me when he's ready, or reaching out and simply seeing how he's doing?

He's clearly confused and stressed, and I don't want to add to it despite my fear he's slipping away from me.

 

[Ifof]

I would not be inclined to focus this behaviour to veterans day if the behaviour was well prior to it, and even a fairly stable pattern. Veterans day is just a spike. Now if they were stable, loving, in counselling with you, so forth, then went to crap around veterans day only... sure, blame the day and immediate lead to it. Otherwise... don't try and excuse this to that day.

You have the answers to this, not me. Is the pattern an unstable one overall? Or is the instability just recent due to veterans day?

Your answer to that is whether the day is a reason to the problem, or not.

 

[Oduso]

@Ifof: Thanks for your insight. To your point, there were definitely times of extreme instability but those had overall gotten much, much better, with him learning to temper his misplaced anger and channel it into healthy outlets. However, he undeniably spikes around this time of year in general. He's just not usually this distant for this long, which is what has me concerned.