General Does Intimacy Return?

[lostboy]

Hi all,

I am fairly new to this. My wife was diagnosed first with depression and then with PTSD about a year ago. She went to therapy for about about 5 months or so, then stopped therapy and meds. She has been so so. I mean, not as bad as in past situations. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am now aware of what is going on and don't do things to escalate the situation. Anyway, like so many others I have been rejected sexually by my wife. I don't push her for intimacy, which is tough. On one hand I want her to know that I still desire her (very much), but I don't want her to feel like I'm "asking for it" or put pressure on her. She tells me that sometimes it just disgusts her to think about it. She says she loves me very much, but has no feelings of passion or desire for me. She says that when she was on the meds she tried to push herself to be with me and that afterwards felt aweful and had physical pain. The pain is what started this whole thing. When we were dating she was the one that initiated our sexual relationship, but after we moved in together and got married it seems like it all slowed. At least we were still having some quality time together though. Later when things began to spiral it seemed that intercourse was more painful to her and became less frequent.

Sorry to get off on a tangent, what I really want to know is if there is any hope of having an intimate marriage again? Most of the time we are more like roommates. I took today off from work, dropped our son at school, and returned home. I laid in the bed with my wife and she allowed me to simply hold her and carress her. It was wonderful. I want her back so much, I want to make love to my wife and feel like she wants me. Does that ever come back?

LB

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Lostboy

I'm hoping that a few sufferers pop their head down here and respond to your post to give you some insight from their points of view.

I am aware that PTSD and PTSD medication can affect the sexual desires of sufferers. I am also aware that a woman who has been abused can tend to have a disgust to sex especially if they are dealing with that trauma (which your wife may have suppressed previously?).

PTSD can also affect self-esteem and while you are still attracted to your wife she may not feel attractive.

I feel for you as it would be a difficult position to be in.

 

[fin]

I am sorry to read of what you are going through. It must be really difficult for you, I can appreciate what you have written here, and I would like to share that I maybe have some understanding about how your wife might be feeling. Well from my point of view anyway.

I initited sex with my husband before we married, we also lived together first. I was very much at ease I thought, with who I was at that time. The thing was, I had suppressed PTSD and a lot of trauma. And what I didn't know was that he was not the person I thought he was. He was a liar and a fantacist and I am in no way saying that you are please know that...this is just some of my situation..well as it was then-8years ago now.

The point I want to make is, that I had some things happen to me that were also physically very painful. And this also impacted into our sex life. The problem also for me was that because he was not the person I thought I was very vulnerable and did not realise this off the bat. When I did it unfolded into a horror story for me.

I would like to say that some of my responses now are because I am not sure HOW I should feel about sex. I would like to experience closeness and physical intimacy and be loved and make love. I just dont know how, very well anymore.

So maybe this will help you in some way with your wife. You seem to have a very loving and beautiful understanding for her...and I hope that you will be able to retain that , because I believe what she needs is consistency, to know that there is no pressure that you are there for her and love her no matter what, and that you will encourage her also. I am afraid and I would need to know thats oemone was there for me and could maybe cherish me as a person, for the woman I am (eek that hurts me saying that here, sorry there is some yuck factor in what I am writng here for me...sorry).

But Because she may also just be very afraid of herself and her needs and how she can achieve them, she may also feel afraid to express any of her needs. it is so difficult when you have been so badly hurt and or abused. I do not know her situation so I am not able to comment much better, I am speaking a little of my feelings and how I have found this for me. I just know if I could find someone I felt safe with and was able to somehow reconnect, then I would be able to trust not only the person I have given myself to but also myself....to know that I had made the right decision and that I was accepted and loved for myself rather than just a empty ro even not but a vessel to just be used.

It is so very difficult. I can maybe understand how you might be feeling. I really hope that things work out for you, because I do believe that love and physical intimacy can and are such beautiful things to be shared, when we meet someone we know we love and understand. We can hopefully long and maybe have more.

I do believe that if it is possible for your wife to perhaps see what it is you feel for her...you maybe have to let her know, and perhaps finding someway may also help you become closer, but I think she will maybe accept how things can be. How you can both work together for something that can be soo beautiful to you both to share.

anymore.

I hope this can help you some, I know it is difficult...please try ...I know you are ...just please dont loose sight of her in this. She must be in terrible pain and it is not your fault, but she has to come through some of this for herself. If you have found someone that you love and know, it is worth slowly trying to work through together, to find solutions together. Love each other, love her, try for something more but please do not put heavy pressure on her and try to learn to read the signs...she obviously must feel safe with you ..I would think, because if it was me I would have so much more trouble opening anything else up...and to be able to do what she is doing at the moment is a good thing. Respect her and love her and give her time and compassion, I believe it will help you both- I hope it does.


take care and tell her you love her, I hope this helps you some
~fin

 

[Marlene]

My traumas are sexually based and intimacy has become very difficult for me. It's been almost three years since my PTSD hit the fan. At one point my husband and I were pretty much like roommates, too. His understanding about how difficult something that used to be very enjoyable for both of us became helped tremendously.

Reading a book called 'Sexual Healing' also helped a lot, too. Talking with my therapist and my husband was some of the most difficult healing that I had to do. When something that was once such a beautiful part of my life became such a hurtful thing was so difficult. Feeling like I was failing my husband also hurt a lot, too.

This isn't something that's just going to *snap* go away. As much as I've healed in my life, I still have issues. It's better, but I know it will never be like it was before. Too much has happened for that.

I don't know if this helps at all.

Lisa

 

[Claire]

I'd like to know the answer to this too and I'm not a carer but I have PTSD. My PTSD is not anything to do with sexual abuse either.

PTSD heightens everything and for me I could not be with anyone as the feelings were over whelming. Pleasure was as bad as pain. It was total overload and I couldnt bear it. It didn't actually have anything to do with who I was with. It could have been my dream man!

PTSD caused me to feel extremes of everything. Imagine feeling cold and then totally freezing. Where as you might feel a bit cold, put an extra sweater on and be fine, I'd feel totally frozen with no way of getting warm.

The best advice I can give is try not to overload her. Lying in bed just cuddling will be a great start.

 

[fin]

The best advice I can give is try not to overload her. Lying in bed just cuddling will be a great start.

This is good advice

for me thankyou
~fin

 

[lostboy]

Thanks to everyone. I hope that our intimacy will return. I truly feel blessed each time we can share an intimiate moment. It seems for now to come in freak instances and then flashes away again.

I have been reading other posts and trying to understand at least some little part of what is going on. Sometimes my wife tells me I should leave and find a wife that can make me happy and give me a real life. That's when I remind her that I love her unconditionally (even though I may disapprove of her displays at times). I do love my wife, but I really wonder if we will really ever have a relationship again. Based on things she tells me now, I wonder if we really ever had a relationship. I wonder what price my son will pay. She swings between complete denial of having depression or PTSD to acknowleding "something" is wrong and it might be PTSD; however, she maintains that she didn't see a difference with the meds and therapy before so she must be destined to stay this way.

What truly saddens me is that now when I see her smile at me, or offer something kind I have to wonder which emotion is real... the disgust or the kindness. Or far worse, do I simply reside in the indifference zone. I acutally question if the kindness is put on as a show to simply get through. I catch myself, slap myself, and then remind myself that she loves me even if she has to fight to show it. The fact she is fighing to show some emotion should tell me that there is "something" and should renew my heart and faith that her love is true. It is just so easy to take these momentary slips and find myself wallowing. It isn't like me to be this way. I just miss her so much. I feel so lost. If I feel like this, how must she feel?

Peace and blessings,
Lostboy

 

[fin]

Perhaps if you could maybe embrace the freakiness of the instances you both share, these moments could perhaps be something very beautiful that something so much stronger might grow out from now.

She is I believe in pain when she tells you to find another, I am not 100% sure though and I think that only by communication will you both be able to really understand each other better.

I do not think for one minute she is destined to stay this way, I do not believe that destiny works like that.I dont know a whole laod about destiny but I would love to be proved right, and maybe this is too romantic for my usual way of thinking, it certainly is a new way for me to be looking at things.

But I have always believed that Love founded on a deeper honesty and a real and good and complete understanding will survive pretty much anything. And I think that if TRUST is involved and deceit is not a part of you; then to my mind you will be able to overcome and grow together through this.

It is a difficult diagnosis to accept PTSD and many people perhaps think that they can never have a relationship- I know I thought that, but I am softening to the idea and I think learning to hope for and find something real is perhaps maybe such a positive step forward. I hope it could be anyway.

Vent but try not to wallow, pity is not a helpful thing, and I believe it will hinder your growth. I know I thought I did this, until I realsied it was the pTSD talking in my ear and not reality, she will be able to manage her PTSD ...I am learning to ...and if I can I believe that anyone can, it takes work, but would it be anything if it was all that easy.

And as you have said yourself she is fighting for you, maybe she is trying with everything she is able and can find- to let you know somehow -that she cares and perhaps does love you so very much. The thing is I believe that you can begin to accept where she is at, and ALSO acknowledge your real feelings whatever they might be and express them to her, and then you BOTH can move forward together.

I think the disgust she has is maybe for herself, and the kindness she has is so very real for you. This is my opinion ok, it is just that this is my problem also, I wonder if anyone will ever be able to get over what they know about me. I wonder if anyone would ever be able to love me. I wonder if I will always be so very alone, because it is lonely like this. Your wife might think and possibly could be feeling this way also, because it can be lonely if you feel unworthy and vulnerable, and perhaps you need to tell her now how you feel.

Eveything I have read about PTSD says that it can be worked through, and we can manage it, everything here suggests to me perhaps that love can be found despite thinking there are odds against it.

There are people on this site that have come together despite trauma, and are working through so much TOGETHER, I believe it can begin for you, and I think if perhaps they can, then maybe I or anyone else here could also.

You have a beautiful way of writing lost one, I hope that you will find what you are looking for, I think you already have and maybe you need to tell her now. I hope that something I have written here may have helped you some, I hope that my earlier post's here did also.

PLease know that you are not alone, I really believe that you will find a way through this to try tell her and then she can maybe help you as well as herself in understanding better, and then I hope you can begin to make something quite beautiful stronger because it has or will have good foundations.

take care and peace to you kind heart

~fin

*TELL HER now




I am owning my own words I am fearless today...yeah...blushing now ...yikes!!

 

[Claire]

Lostboy, the best you can do is encourage your wife to seek further help with this. Its down to her at the end of the day to want to change. People get lost in PTSD and from what you say it sounds like she is. Depression is a major part of all this. You feel nothing and its easy to feel beaten. I believe everyone can live a full life with PTSD but it takes a long time and a very strong will to get better.

Can you suggest she reads the forum? there are lots of couples on here and also seperate areas for both carer and sufferer so it still gives you the freedom to ask questions in private.

A great start in healing PTSD is knowledge and there's so much information on here as well as personal experiences. Good luck, dont give up.

 

[Vickym]

Lostboy,

I know just how you feel. My bf is the same way. Lots of the meds cause the problem. Then sometimes its there own fears.

My bf doctor was going to adjust some of his med but then with that comes other side affects.

Like you I value any intimate moment we share whether its a kiss, a hug, a touch when passing anything. I take those little moments and hang on to them. Often if I want a kiss I have to be the one to make the move or ask for it. Its like he forgets that what you do.

My bf tells his doctors or people other people how much he loves me and values me, yet he ca seem to tell me unless he rights it in a card at the holidays.

I know what you mean about the whole you feel like a room mate thing. I have felt that myself. He doesnt understand why.

I do believe it can get better and you can have that in your relationship again. They just have to get to the root of what is causing this for them.

 

[Katja]

Hi lost boy,

When I read your post I almost thought my husband could have written something very similar to what you are going through. I am so sorry and it must feel really hard for you. Maybe you can talk to her about what she wants to feel even more safe when you are in bed together....does she want more lights in the room...does she only want non sexual touches...I know for myself that I have been able to open up more and more when I feel safe...and it is tricky since I think transference happens when we float away into disassociation...do you notice when she checks out? Is there sign you can have between you when it happens? Maybe you could talk to someone together about this because it is not fun to feel like a marriage is like living with a roomate and being sexual is a wonderful things in life yet tricky with PTSD. I wish you and your wife the best and knowing that it will get a little easier with time. That I have noticed.....sometimes it does not happen as fast as we want...maybe start with a 10 second kiss and let her lead...if you feel okay with that.
Best of luck

Katja

 

[amethist]

Hi lostboy

It's hard to loose something that is special like that, but unfortunatley it is one of the first things to go and some times it takes a long time to get back.

It has been so long since my husband has acted on his sugestions, ( he does a lot of sugesting but can never deliver ). But i do not let this bother me as i know it's not him thats stopping but the ptsd thats stopping him if you understand that, i do just lol.

We still hold hands when we go out and still cuddle up to watch tv in bed ( usually with ice cream or chocolate that is soooooooo fattening lol).

What i am saying is take away the ending for now and just stay close.

We have a small thing we do, we aways have 3 kisses, 1 for him, 1 for me and then 1 to share, it's daft but it's just a way of us both knowing that we are still connected.

After all is'nt just being together more important right now, everything else is a bonus. Take the emphasis away and start again when the time is better suited.

Best wishes and i hope this helps a bit.

Amethist.

Ps A note for fin, you can have a laugh at my expence, i had to do this posting twice because i knocked my mouse on the floor and it deleted everything lol.