Does PTSD Make A Person (Seem To Be) Uncaring?

[Marlene]

Do those individuals get the feeling that the suffferer is uncaring. What do you think??

Sometimes...yes. I know my husband loves me and has been my biggest supporter and help mate for the past 22 years. But when things are rough for me, sometimes it seems like he's just tired of dealing with my issues and has shut me out. When I've asked him about how he feels about these times, he's told me that he feels like I'm shutting him out and he doesn't like it.

'Seem' is a good word because the rough times change our perceptions about things. Things haven't changed, we have. I've found that the best way to deal with this is communications on both sides. As difficult as it is (and as much as I want to close in on myself when I'm symptomatic), I try to make myself talk to my husband and tell him what's going on with me and listen to what he tells me is going on with him.

Living with PTSD is tough on both sides of a relationship. For a lot of reasons.

Lisa

 

[FlameTachiku]

Tbam,

I want to offer some support to you from the perspective of someone with PTSD who has lost a child, too. The PTSD contributes to the grieving process making it difficult. It is hard to deal with the symptoms of both without love coming at you from your partner. My husband was able to love me out of the situation that seemed impossible to survive. As he was able to break through the nonsense I was able to be more supportive of him. He held me. We did not talk to much that is hard. But some in small doses. We went to the gym together, walked in silence, and when I yelled at him and walked away. He would come behind me and hold me tight until the emotions that can't be difined but demanded that I leave disapeared settled a bit. Then he offered me space. His approach to me kept me loving him and provided me with opportunities to give in pieces that I could handle. Those moment grew with time until we were very much able to love each other again. I was able to help him recover also but in a different way at a different time. It is possible.

I am truely sorry for your negative experiences and its affect on your family. This is a part of how one couple survived the loss of a child. No easy task for any couple.

Flame

 

[Tinyflame]

My heart breaks for you both, Tbam and Flame.

(-but- considering this thread- for what it is worth it might be a "distinct possibilty" that if someone else saw me they might not think so.)

I am so sorry.

Flame- "..opportunities to give in pieces that I could handle", that is oh so true.
Actually, I have to agree that your entire post; that's exactly accurate, from my experience of what works/ wouldn't/ hasn't / doesn't with my type, anyway.

 

[Tbam]

I think the selfish part comes in when the sufferer is walking away from responsibilities that they have (had) willingly taken on. Such as caring for the children. If you bring children into this world and then you don't feed them properly, wash their clothes, take them to school, etc. because you are in a withdraw mode then how could you expect the outside world to view that as anything but selfish. You are putting your need to withdrawl in front of meeting the basic needs of your children. If it reaches this point then intervention is needed.

 

[midi]

Yes, but many times, families cover up the illness from the outside, so that there is no intervention. The sufferer is then blamed and vilified for the inability to take care of the self or dependents. The home front becomes a war zone.

 

[patrick]

Tbam,

It sounds like you are getting very frustrated with the situation you are in, and from what you are describing I can certainly understand why. You rightly want to know that your children are getting what they need and deserve to thrive in life. I'm wondering if your wife is getting help for her PTSD...if there is anything happening that gives you hope for change or improvement in the situation. And I wonder when you say, "intervention is needed" if you are planning to do something different than you have been doing. I know it has to be hard to be in your situation. I lost a couple of marriages, partly due to my inability to care and pull my own weight. If you are planning to make some kind of intervention, I hope you will consult with somebody who has some knowledge of PTSD and it's impact on relationships first.

I wish you the best and hope you can find some relief for your frustrations.

 

[FlameTachiku]

Tbam,

You know the woman you married. You have had children with her not a child. She has to have a history worth adding to. She is very ill now. She does not have a choice. She is not choosing to withdrawl. It is not a choice at the point she is at. The woman you loved is still there. I promise you. She just cant touch life, now. No answer. Hang on to hope and do what you must do to care for the children. But don't hate her for what she is not able to do, she would not choose to give up on you or her children. Have hope.

Flame

 

[missy8888]

I agree with Flame.. The woman you love is still there... Just be patient and don't give up on her. Try (and i know it's not easy....i am in the same boat with my bf) not to take it personal. She isn't doing it to you on purpose.. She does care.. she is just having a hard time dealing with herself and cant handle adding more.. and i am sure she feels bad about not appearing to care more... Hang in there. xoxo

 

[Tbam]

thank you to all, i am not trying to chastise anyone of you. I was just drawn to this post by the original topic of seeming uncaring to the outside world. While I respect the "check the pity at the door" policy of the moderator, I also recognize that this is not the right place for a carer to jump and and start bashing global sufferers. I will just leave it by noting that the outside world, who clearly does not understand what is going on, can perceive it as being selfish behavior whether or not it actually is....

tbam

 

[FlameTachiku]

Tbam you are being real with where you are at this day. We all matter on this site "carer" "suffer" and we learn together. Soft gloves dont always help and you are dealing with life-your children's wellbeing. Don't hold back because being real makes us real and that is how we all work through it. Thank you for your imput-it forces me to remember and look in a mirror. Closeing my eyes to reality or wishing hurt away just make me suffer longer and harder in the long run. Hang in there, your perspective is valuable, appreciated and needed.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Tbam,

I agree with Flame, only you can speak of your experience and your personal situation.

As regards myself I have run the gammut of both ends of the spectrum- the worst person to live with and the easiest.
I have also lived with/loved others who have been the same as I; the worst-case scenario, the best case scenario, and sometimes changing from one to the other.

My hope is that here you can get extra strength, understanding and support you need for your own healing and journey.

The only thing I can say with assurance is one way or the other there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish you and your family the very, very best.

 

[Tbam]

i just wonder what is the point. What we had for the first six to seven years of our marriage was good, not perfect but good. really good to be honest. I can deal with hopeless for a while but after six years of sliding, man, it's killing me. figuratively and in reality. I am not sleeping well, I am always walking around with subsurface anger. I feel my life slipping away. I go into a trance when i drive and just ruminate about all the things that are supposed to be and now are not. I was over at the house today to pick up our 10 year and old and take him to his basketball game after school. The inside of the house is so messy my blood boils just walking in the door. She was on the sofa allllll day long today, watching t.v. man this is crazy. Even if she has made the decision that she has no future, why should i be punished? really, I am 42, in good shape, good job. Come on, I am not going to live like this and neither are my two kids. You guys tell me she is still in there, somewhere. where. where is she. what stops someone who has been diagnosed with PTSD from wanting to get help. It's like yeah i have cancer, so hey, i wont go to the doctor. Instead, I'll watch movies all day long. please , explain that......!!!!!