Hi Hope, I have the same issue about getting on here and trying to explain myself only to have to come back later and clarify because I just don't convey my thoughts (talk) correctly at times.
Hi Tammy, me too.
Likely, if I'm allowed to, I'll be peeling away at some internalized chaos, conflicts and fears upon this subject, and to one day have overcome at least some of the serious conflict now within myself for sometimes requiring and or for a period of time requiring medication.
I'd like to be able to know without continuing angtagonized doubt and fear that it really is ok to trust myself again; In addition to being allowed to trust myself regarding when and whether to allow, or not to allow, a doctor's prescription. I'd like to Not be continually challenged and set-up for outright down feelings (plus arousal symptoms) bc of others real-time beliefs and spreading dogma surrounding this topic.
It is nonsense that recovering alcoholic means all-around deluded or the exact-like condition of drug addiction and/or that of a non-recovering drug addicts illness, and so therefore I too shall have lost all rights to need or ever allow myself any mood or mind altering substances whatsoever. That's all complete crap!
What about the chemicals in those cigg's I see smoked by the same big mouthed, 'know-it-all's' and 'self-appointed doctors' and 'self-appointed authorities on their almost religious beliefs. Quite naturally it's fine to have such beliefs but then to have instilled such consistent and abundant fears, all the while imposing such beliefs as if they're the governing rules marking the beginning and the end of another's sobriety, is just about as unfair as it gets. Such has been absolutely unreasonable, and I still feel so hurt and angry each and every time such unreasonableness takes shape and form.
I must once again regain adamant acceptance of so much, as well as, continuing self-permission to take my medicine, now and if and when the need may arise in the future.
It's just that I get triggered once wkly for certain, and even more frequently most wks., by others words, and phrases and their impulses and actions and inactions such as passing judgement, directing, gossiping about and having before attacked, humiliated and excluded many, as well as my father, and now it's my turn to adjust to such controversy and conflict all over again.
I've been very ill and most seriously from daily experiencing far to much stress and triggers; Plus lately ill from writing about a trauma. Last night, I was near completely out of my mind with terrible symptoms. Symptoms that would or should have had me hospitalized.
My husband has asked me most recently a couple of times, Why do you abandon your understanding and beliefs for those of mine, or even others if you really believe in something, or something differently?
That's too long a story.
Again, about required medicine though and my terrible feelings of failure that repeatedly go, yet only to return:
I haven't wanted to take or continue medicine bc of my intense emotions that get triggered by things frequently said, much of which I am still regularly and unexpectedly exposed to. I once had such daily corrupt exposure to abudant pure ignorance, prejudice, meanness and even many a cruel attack I witnessed made upon others. This lasted over a 5+ yr. period of immeasurable despairing witness to such, and then those times of personal illness's, severe ptsd symptoms and struggles.
[I speak as a witness to and experience of
highly uncommon experiences, when considering the much wider positive world of such a support system. So much is very difficult for me to get past even wanting to ever mention it, bc it was so unusual and is next to impossible for most anyone to grasp or want to believe. Unless they were and are personally injured by such ruthless dogma and imposition, and able to come too from it all, then I've found that others simply will find a way to pretend it was(is) all unreal, is fabricated or was invited. So I haven't been able to get it out to overcome it, to forgive and move forward on this for good.]
I haven't wanted to take or continue medicine bc of a history of having allowed myself to become, and now still remain somewhat exposed to, more brainwashing within reg. growing groups.
Most especially from my past, those then sudden assaults of accusations, arrogance, egomania, gossip and disinfellowship of others and distance were destructive to others and has hurt, certainly them, as well as me deeply. That shaming, the threats and that scandalous gossip and withdrawal of support of us and likewise somewhat with my father as well all deeply hurt and has left scars.
So much bullsh't and all based upon others assumptions, now puts me in a state of hyper-arousal even when such intensity in threat and attack no longer exists anywhere near to the degree as once before. However, perhaps it does and I remain to have escaped and avoided such known places.
However, what remains is the now continuing pers. arrogant eval.'s, judgements, gossip and somewhat exclusion in the present. Also, and upon a differing stance, the experience of anothers look of pity of or for me, recently has turned my stomach. Just yesterday, the woman whom in the days before I found this forum and the negative force behind her, she'd verbally attacked and insulted me in the presences of others. Well yesterday, she turned back to look directly at me as if to remark, Poor, gal! As if I've failed at getting and staying sober.
I haven't wanted to take or continue medicine bc of that brainwashing which had long since now taken hold of my mind. I too was daily told, that I'd die a certain death, like all the others, if I trust(ed) my own thinking (as opposed to theirs) and/or if I went ahead and took any prescribed medications beyond aspirin or medicine for a necessary surgery. As well as, additional threats to me dying if I ever fell for my own and/or a doctors deception; Well then, I'd join all the others and become .....blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,....... this was all just absolutely terrorfying for me!
My knowledge that I'm far from alone in having experienced such brainwashing, is most horrorfying to me! Agonizing.
A long time ago, there was a time I chose the reality of seizures over taking the tegratol and dilantin that was prescribed me for a general diagnosis of epilepsy. And, why bc others told me that it was my alcoholism and the only way to ever get through it all was and remains to be: to feel all the pain, without ever any excuse of anything stronger than an asprin, or you're not sober.
These people certainly do not share my experience and knowledge of just what all the reality and that pain can really, really do. But, whether they share this insight or not, it doesn't matter bc really many don't f'n care: 'It's either all or nothing. ...You're either exactly one of us (a damn clone) or you're not. ...You either go along with us for the ride of your life into (IMO, self-destruction) and live, or follow the "masses of (...............others delusionally false shaming words................) others into the depths of alcoholism, death and destruction." -all bullsh't.
But when such numbers come to believe such, not only am I triggered and horribly scared, while feeling completely without any power whatsoever and hopeless, but I am excluded from ever feeling any sense of real belonging within such fellowship, and excluded from the very spiritual connection that's regularly claimed we must daily experience in order to survive.
It's certainly no spiritual remedy for me to place myself amongst the very same exact types of people that f'n traumatized me. It's one thing to come to know all of what one really has and quite another to discourage such. Also, to call every friggin' condition and disorder under the sun alcoholism and not only, Not do another thing about theirs, while nearly forbidding and rejecting others from existence or a move outside of such realm of dangerous denial.
I feel ashamed and afraid of breaking some sort of loyalty in sharing of my experience of all this here. (And, those then ongoing experiences that I experienced as deep re-traumatization and was additionally traumatic I dare to add. What I've said here is a sliver of the caldrons of pain and ongoing unneccessary sufferings of what really needs to be released and further spoken openly and in real-time by others and myself.
But at what cost?
So among numerous others, my most recent triggers were: Chewing your booze. And, "It's probably best for you (me) to do without such medicine. -family memb."
And, some very hurtful, destructive and judgemental presumptious made upon me, and all done without facts. I'm liable to think it's others mere sick and twisted jealousies. Gossip hurts bad.
....No need to say anything more right now, nor should I, it's time I stop, bc I've upset myself terribly.
