Poll Does Your Family Neglect You Emotionally?

[saffy]

Ditto Ayasha :0

Any emotion was construed as trying to get attention and that I was wallowing in self pity or selfish.

you are not alone :):)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Philippa]

Sound like it is very conditional. You will never make them happy, no matter how perfect you can be to please them. What person do they want to condition you into. Is it really you, or is it what they want? And then comes the guilt about it.

What was worse is when I spoke to my father last, he told me he loves me unconditionally...but how can he when he doesn't even love himself, and all his projections onto me were all about him not accepting himself, his body, his own shadow aspects. I never felt that he loved me without condition. I always felt I had to be perfect. I was even so deluded once that I felt I had to save the world, just so he would see me as perfect, and love me.

I am more realistic now though. I am not interested in saving the world, only in saving MY world. I think that goes towards making the world a better place anyway. But I am no longer interested in gaining his approval as it will never be enough. He's a liar. He doesn't love me unconditionally, he doesn't even know what that means. He might be disappointed in me, but I'm pretty disappointed in him as well.

If I wasn't always happy, like my mother is so obsessed with being, even though she really isn't, but thinks that smiling all the time means that she is...(at least that's what everyone else will think, and that's what really matters.) then I wasn't worthy of their approval, and all I got was ridiculed for being so miserable, when it was their misery I had taken on in the first place.

 

[Britt.f7]

I never felt that he loved me without condition.

I don't believe my father love's me without condition. I know he surely doesn't respect me as an individual, though he says otherwise.

When my son turned a year, I put a little booklet together about his first year. In it I included little excerpts of what I wrote to him while I was carrying him. My dad actually read it, and, while on the phone with me one day, told me that how I felt towards my son was how he felt towards me. I told him I never felt it. I feel somewhat guilty for saying that during what was meant to be a heartwarming moment, but it was true.

My definition of unconditional must be different than his.

 

[Changing4Best]

My niece is adopted, she's not even my real family. Even my sister has/ had trouble with her, butting heads all the time throughout her childhood. She's a control freak. My sister is bossy. Neither of them is willing to compromise or negotiate, eveyone else in the family had to and has to supposedly. Well, guess what! I'm not always going to be the one to give in. My solution, limit my contact with her to a minimum. And if she gets bossy, find a reason to end the conversation right then and there, even if I have to make one up! As to my sister, I keep a minimal contact with her by phone and email. It is for the best.

 

[Philippa]

Britt, I think parents just say that stuff because it's what they are supposed to say, do, be...unconditional in their love. I don't believe many of them even know what it means though.

 

[Changing4Best]

I was thinking that as a tree ages, gets taller, more ancient, it is revered, looked up to and adored by those whose yard it is in. Too bad as we got older, that this couldn't be the case with us, instead of our being discarded and tossed asside as we age. The wisdom of age is supposed to be priceless, but who listens to us anyway? The Postman or the bank teller for a minute maybe? Surely not my family! They seem to turn a deaf ear to my needs, only selfishly thinking of their own. Ah well, God takes care of me, that is such a blessing! Thank You, Lord.

 

[Philippa]

I think that happens whether you are young or old sheila, but yes, older people are not venerated the way they used to be. I don't always think that age necessarily denotes wisdom though, and there have been some older people I can think of that did not deserve the respect they demanded. Respect is earned, whether young or old.

No one knows how to listen, and everyone is so self-centred and narcissistic these days. There is no sense of community left. Tribalism died a long time ago.

 

[Lucycat]

yes,yes, yes.

I am not saying it is their fault - I am not sure they understand - but they certainly do not support me emotionally!

 

[Changing4Best]

Respect is earned, whether young or old.

When I was a respectable business woman, as my own father described me, they all wanted a free room in my motel. Then they'd run off to Disneyworld and neglect me during the whole visit! Only my parents had respect for me enough to sit with me in the outdoor lobby and chat. And I had respect for them.

When my dad was in his 85s and above, I called him every day at the nursing home at 4PM. We talked until he seemed like he'd had his fill. The staff told me that he'd wait by that phone every day from lunch until I called. He also loved chatting with them as they came into the kitchen to get things for the other patients.

None of the other relatives called him. They lived close enough to visit even (I didn't) and they would visit only very occasionally. They knew I was the responsible one, so they assigned me the job of helping to exercise his memory. I was only too happy to do that and no one had to ask me to! It was a natural thing for me. I'd remind him of places we'd gone on vacations, happy times and ask him if he recalled these things which he did. I asked him what he'd had for lunch that day. He'd work at it and do the best he could to remember. My sister didn't even have a job, but she could not be bothered!I suppose I should expect no different treatment from her... ah well!

 

[Invisible-Guy]

I've had a hard time seeing the people I do like as well. They either worry when they see what a mess I am or they love the person I used to be, not the one I am now. I love them and I can manage 1 or 2 of them at a time as long as it's in small doses. As for the family members I don't like, I just don't answer the phone or the door. I can handle conflict anymore.

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't blame you, Invisable, I have made the decision this week to keep conversations with my niece to a short minimum, especially if she starts that crap about wanting me in a nursing home again. I told some folks that know me well what she wants me to do and they almost barfed! They all agreed I am WAY too alive and spunky to be in one of those places, sheeesh! I would drive the staff batty, and I know this, because I lived in these places for a year and a half and I did just that, not to metnion going nutz there myself!

Sure, they made sure I took my meds, which I have a plan now so I don't forget. A friend calls me every day at 8AM and then the rest of the day I am pretty good at remembering. It is just early in the morning when I am groggy that remembering is a bit tough sometimes. It sure is good to have friends, because my darling (yeh right) niece would never take the time to call me to tell me, oh no... but I should move into a nursing home instead so she does not have to worry about me, SHEEEEESH!!!

She did not get this bullsh*t attitude from MY side of the family!!!

 

[saffy]

I am not interested in saving the world, only in saving MY world. I think that goes towards making the world a better place anyway

That is what I think now Philippa :)

I realise now that my help and support and unconditional kindness and acceptance of people was me projecting how I wanted to be treated myself. I thought if I treated them like this or that they would treat me like that back, Wrong.

A lot of it was all about being told over and over again treat others like you want to be treated, even though they treated me like shit, I was not the person who could treat others like shit, it went against everything I stood for. They were saying it from their ego not from their truth.

But they also bullied me into believing that I had no rights as a person either. So I was expected to treat others well and if they treated me like shit I was to take that or it was all my fault if they did and I had no right standing up for myself.

Confusing when you are growing up and had no one to go to for support, protection or some actual good advice based on this.

I was just told, 'who do you think you f*ing are', 'you are no one', 'it was all your fault anyway'.
If I said I was upset I was told 'no you are not' they stripped me of my emotions, I got so confused I even questioned my emotions thinking that I was wrong. Or that if it was not hurt I was feeling then what was it. Normally I got 'you just want attention and are making this up to make them look bad' hence it was about their ego not about my feelings.

I know now that they were so egotistical they could do nothing wrong in their own eyes and used my downfall to make boost their egos, they manipulated, my mother was a terrible passive aggressive, and my stepdad was a control freak bully that always wanted it to go his way, whether he was wrong or not, although he would never admit it even if I could prove it. They were both also very selfish and materialistic.

I am glad you have said what you did about looking after your world because I have found it to improve things also, I do not put up with shit any more and just attract or allow into my life people who are genuine. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)